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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28198929">Never Coming Back</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/taylortheclown/pseuds/taylortheclown'>taylortheclown</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>15x18 spoilers, 15x19 spoilers, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Castiel and Dean Winchester Being Idiots, Castiel is Saved from the Empty (Supernatural), Castiel sketches, Character Death Fix, Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, Dean Winchester Uses Actual Words, Depressed Dean Winchester, F/M, Happy Ending, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Profound Bond, Sad, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Worried Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:13:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>54,375</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28198929</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/taylortheclown/pseuds/taylortheclown</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean pressed down on his phone and it started to ring. </p><p>Ring, ring ring. Ring, ring, ring. Ring, ring, ring.</p><p>“This is my voicemail. Make your voice… a mail.”</p><p>Beep.</p><p>Dean let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. As he let it out, the tears began to fall once again. He doesn’t even notice when they start or when they stop anymore, everything is a blur.</p><p> <br/>OR</p><p> <br/>After Cas was taken to the Empty, Dean was lost, he was broken, he felt guilty and he didn’t know what to do. He sought comfort in any piece of Cas that was left behind, which just so happened to include his voicemail. Dean just needed to hear his voice, just one more time...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>122</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Holding on to the Past</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is the first fic I’ve ever actually written and published, so hopefully it's not too bad.</p><p>Thanks to<br/><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_spn_trash/pseuds/just_spn_trash">just_spn_trash,</a> <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellyCrazyCoconut/pseuds/MellyCrazyCoconut">Melly,</a> Jess, Cammy and the rest of the clowns for putting up with me during this. I doubt I would've had the motivation to continue if it wasn't for them.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He can’t say his name.</p><p>He can’t talk about him, not with Jack, not with Sam. They don’t understand, not really, not the way that he feels. He knows Jack lost a father, and Sam lost one of his best friends, but to Dean, it was always more. He had always felt more, even if he chose not to admit it to himself.</p><p>He feels as if there’s nothing left, feels as if someone ripped him into two, throwing the other half away. There’s nothing, there’s nobody who can help him or lessen this pain that he feels, this pain that’s consuming him. The only one who could is dead. The only one who could rid him of this despair and longing is gone. </p><p>Dean knows that this is it. Cas is gone for good. He’s not coming back, there’s no way they could possibly bring him back. Chuck certainly wouldn’t do it and who even was left? There was no way for him to reach Cas, to save him.</p><p>In the past, when he lost Cas, he knew death wasn’t always the end and it still tore him apart, but now there’s nothing left. Nothing left without him. Nothing left without the hope of seeing his face or hearing his voice. Seeing that look he had in his eyes whenever he saw Dean, a look that Dean could never place, until now. </p><p>He knows now, what it was, what Cas was feeling, what he saw when he was looking at Dean. It was love. All of it was love. Love because he saw that Dean was so loving and selfless, love because, despite all his mistakes, Cas knew what really drove Dean to fight, love because this man that he saw wasn’t perfect, but he tried his best. </p><p>Castiel, this angel, had loved <em>him.</em> Out of all the people he could have loved in this world, he loved Dean Winchester and Dean didn’t know how to process that. He spent so much time avoiding his feelings, feeling hopeless and thinking that Cas could never truly fall in love with someone. He was an angel, they weren’t built for love, or so Dean had thought. This was just another thing that Dean had turned out to be wrong about. He was so very wrong.</p><p>Dean missed Cas. </p><p>There wasn’t much left behind by the angel this time. His whole being was gone. There was no body to burn this time, no trench coat for him to hold on to. He needed to focus on saving all the people Chuck hurt, but it was so hard. All he could think about was Cas. </p><p>Dean couldn’t cope. He needed his angel back, needed a piece of him to hold onto, to remember him by. He was terrified that he would forget him, not altogether, just pieces, like the sound of his voice, the fondness in his eyes when he was with Jack, the cute little head tilts, and the way that he hugged Dean so tight and made him feel whole again, even if just for a few moments. </p><p>Sure, he has a few pictures of Cas, but it’s not enough. Cas isn’t really there, he isn’t there for Dean to touch, to hold, or to feel his warmth. The room that belonged to the angel once was mostly bare, as if no one had ever even used it, so there wasn’t much comfort to be had there.</p><p>There was the place when Cas etched out the letters of his name on the table in the library. <em> Castiel. </em> His name, carved into the table with their other family members. Cas was part of their family, had been for a very long time, for what felt like forever to Dean. There was Sam, Mary, Jack, Dean and Cas. It wasn’t a perfect family, but that’s what they had.</p><p>These little pieces that Cas had left behind weren’t enough. Maybe all together it seemed like something, but it wasn’t much at all, not for Dean. The only thing that would be enough for Dean was having Cas there and getting to hold him in his arms.</p><p>Dean knew there was one more thing though, one thing that he tried not to think about because it would only hurt him more afterwards. He didn’t know why it took him so long to think of it, but he knew it probably wasn’t a good idea. It wouldn’t make him miss Cas any less, but he didn’t care, he needed to hear his angel's voice. </p><p>Dean had lost count of how many times he had called Cas. Just once more, he’d tell himself each time, but there was always another time.</p><p>Dean sucked in a shaky breath as his thumb hovered over the name. The name of the one he loved, the one he needed more than anything. Just seeing his name caused him to break just a little bit more, it made him want to double over in pain, but he couldn’t, not yet. He just needed to hear his voice, <em> just one more time</em>.</p><p>Dean’s thumb pressed down on his phone and it started to ring. </p><p>
  <em>Ring, ring ring. Ring, ring, ring. Ring, ring, ring,</em>
</p><p>“This is my voicemail. Make your voice… a mail.”</p><p>
  <em>Beep.</em>
</p><p>Dean let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. As he let it out, the tears began to fall once again. He doesn’t even notice when they start or when they stop anymore, everything is a blur.</p><p>Dean knows he should talk to someone about what happened. Anyone. He knows Sam would listen, that he probably wouldn’t be surprised by how they both felt. Sam knew him better than anyone, they had grown up together, knew things about each other that they’d probably rather not ever know.</p><p>Dean also knew that if anyone could understand what he was going through, Sam could come the closest. With Jess, and then Eileen, the poor guy has known what it’s like to lose someone you love. Someone you truly love. But Sam also wouldn’t understand fully. Who could understand? Dean lost the man that he’s been in love with for years. He doesn’t know when exactly he fell for this angel, but it’s felt like a lifetime. Dean’s long life, which has been far longer than it should have been, with all those years he spent in hell; those years themselves felt like forever ago, that was because it was before he met Cas, before he began to fall in love. </p><p>Nobody else could know this loss he felt because Cas wasn’t even his to lose. Not truly his. Dean didn’t know Cas could even feel love, like the kind of love where you fall so deeply and so hard that there’s nothing else. There’s only that person, that person who you would do anything for. You’d die for them, kill for them, risk everything in the world just for them. </p><p>Dean didn’t even have time to process that Cas could feel that kind of love. He thought maybe he could remember it from when he was human, the kind of love you feel for a friend or your family. He sometimes even thought that Cas was able to <em> feel </em> some form of love as an angel, but that it was still nothing compared to what humans felt or what Dean felt.</p><p>Dean had lost his chance for the hope of a future with Cas, before he could even begin to hope for it. Cas was gone before he had time to register that that’s what he meant, that that’s how he felt. He loved Dean. He was <em> in </em> love with Dean. </p><p>Dean Winchester. The man who broke everything he touched. Dean Winchester, the man who corrupted an angel. Dean Winchester, the broken shell of a man that everyone saw. The man who pushes people away instead of admitting that he’s wrong. The man who is driven by hate and anger and- </p><p>Dean has to stop himself. He needs to remember what Cas had said. He knows deep down that Cas was right. Cas saw who he truly was, he knew Dean completely and that scared Dean. Cas had seen every part of him for what it was, and he also loved the parts of Dean that might not have always been driven by good intentions or something other than love.</p><p>Cas saw past all of Dean's flaws and all of his scars. When he looked at Dean, he didn’t see a broken man, the broken man that Dean saw when looking in the mirror. Castiel saw a man full of love, driven by love. He saw a man that fought for his family, his friends, the whole world because of how deeply he loved, because of how selfless he was.</p><p>This love that made him reckless at times, made him close up and push away the people that he cared about, that he loved. Dean was a proud man and a man who would rather push people away when things got tough than deal with it, than share his most vulnerable thoughts and feelings, than admit his wrongdoings. He would rather ignore the pain or any possibility of not being loved in return.</p><p>Castiel truly knew who Dean Winchester was, even if Dean didn’t at most times. </p><p>How could Dean have pushed him away? How did Cas let Dean push him away? Did he know that Dean might come around or that something would bring them back together when he walked away from the bunker, from Dean? Or did Cas truly believe that this is what Dean wanted, that he would truly be happy if Cas was not in his life, if he left and never came back.</p><p>Dean doesn’t know what to think anymore. Everything plays over and over again in his head, the good times and the bad times, and fuck were some of them bad. Even the good was wrapped up and twisted with the bad so many times. </p><p>The memory that sticks with him the most though, well that was the last memory he had of Cas. Right before Cas had been taken from him, taken forever. Cas was taken because he sacrificed himself to save Dean. Dean. The righteous man. The man he loved. </p><p>Dean wished he hadn’t, he wished that Cas had just waited, let them try to fight off Billie, at least that way he wouldn’t have to live without Cas, he wouldn’t have to live with thinking about what could have been. He knows that he’s being selfish, thinking like that, but he can’t find it in himself to care. He doesn’t know how to care anymore, he doesn’t have the energy or the strength to care about that right now. All he can think about is Cas. His head is full of what if’s and what might have been, all of the things that could have been possible, if only he knew how Cas had felt sooner, had he known that Cas <em> could </em> feel these things.</p><p>Dean internally debates with himself over this, never coming to a conclusion. Would that end have been better, both of them dead? Or is it better to know that Cas got to say those words before he died, that he got to have this weight lifted from his shoulders, even if it meant that Dean had to live on with this guilt, with this despair.</p><p>
  <em>I love you. </em>
</p><p>Those words still ring in his head. They play on repeat. He should have said it back, should have said anything! Why didn’t he say it back? </p><p>He knows why. He was confused and afraid, there was so much happening. One minute he was fighting Death, thinking that he was going to die. He felt his heart literally being crushed. Funny isn’t it? Now he knows what that really feels like and how he would gladly take that pain in the place of this pain he was feeling now. </p><p>Dean was still confused by how fast everything had been moving then. He felt death coming for him, for Cas, and then Cas started talking. Started talking about experiencing a moment of true happiness. What was he even talking about? How did that have anything to do with them about to be killed by Death? How could that save them?</p><p>Dean’s brain was moving a mile a minute. He was lost in this memory. They were both about to die and then Cas tells him that only he would have to die. He would save Dean. He could save Dean, all because of some stupid deal he made with the Empty. Why didn’t he tell him about this deal sooner? Why did he keep it from both him and Sam? Dean didn’t know why Cas was choosing to tell him about this now. He didn’t know why exactly it mattered, why he chose this moment to tell him about this stupid deal.</p><p>When it dawned on Dean what Cas was saying, what he had never even let himself hope for, it was too late. He didn’t think Cas would say it, say those three words. He didn’t completely think that he would say those words, thought that maybe he’d leave it up to Dean to interpret so as not to scare him. But anyone could see that that’s how he felt after a speech like that. Speeches like that aren’t meant for platonic brotherly love, they’re meant for the love of your life, a soulmate. The one who you’ve seen every part of, the good and the bad, and you still love them, you love them even more because of all of that. That’s what Cas was telling him. Those three words, they weren’t needed to get the point across, but they were needed for Dean to hear, they were needed for Cas to feel free. They were needed because Dean would never hear them from that angel again.</p><p>Hearing those words meant that Dean couldn’t allow himself to deny that he was loved, even on his darkest days. He had heard them from Cas, he had felt every bit of love that Cas had felt, had felt it from his words, the meaning he put into those words, and in that moment there was no kidding himself with who they were meant for. Him. Only him. It wasn’t like those other times when Dean believed or tried to tell himself that Cas was speaking to everyone, Sam, Mary and Dean. But now Dean saw it, he really saw it. He knew what Cas meant back then. It was always meant for Dean, it was always directed at Dean, but Dean was too stupid and doubtful to see it.</p><p>Dean should have said it back. Even in the past, even when he could convince himself it was because he was family, but he never did. He never once told Cas that he was loved. He could never get the words out, because if he did, he was scared of what they might mean, what he would have to admit they meant. He was scared that someone else might see what he was feeling and he was scared that he would be judged or rejected. Once he said those words, there would be no taking them back, they would be out there and there would be no denying it. But now all he feels is regret over this decision.</p><p>If only he had just a little bit more time, maybe he could have processed what was happening and told his angel that those feelings weren’t unrequited like he thought. Dean loved him just as much, even if he never fully let himself go there until now. </p><p>Dean didn’t know how to move on from this loss. He just wanted to hold on to Cas, any small bit of Cas that he could, so he did it again. </p><p>He turned on his phone, and there was his name. Still there from the last time he did this, he was still sitting in the same spot, sitting on the floor of his room, back leaning against his bed. There was nothing else for him to do besides this. How long had it even been since he last called? A few minutes, a few hours? He didn’t know. All he knew was that it had been too long since he heard the angel’s voice, so he pressed the call button again.</p><p>
  <em>Ring, ring ring. Ring, ring, ring. Ring, ring, ring,</em>
</p><p>“This is my voicemail. Make your voice… a mail.”</p><p>
  <em>Beep.</em>
</p><p>Fuck. There it was. His angel's voice, that voice that he missed so much, that voice that he needed to hear. He needed that voice to tell him that everything would be alright, that he would be okay, that it wasn’t forever, but Dean knew that wouldn’t happen. That it couldn’t happen, Cas was gone<em>. </em> He was never coming back.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Dean Learns to Use His Words</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Well... SURPRISE.</p>
<p>I wasn't sure if I wanted to post today because this may not be the happiest fic of all time, but I thought why not. It's Christmas so here's a little gift in the form of an extra post!</p>
<p>Happy Holidays!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean had been sitting on the kitchen steps with Sam, just thinking and talking about what had happened, still trying to figure out their next move with Chuck. It had felt so hopeless. What did they even have left to give, what options did they have? They had his death book, but they had no way of getting it open to see the ending, to see how he was going to die. They were completely and utterly screwed. It seemed as if all hope had left the building, all hope of defeating Chuck and saving everyone that he hurt. Everyone that they lost.</p>
<p>Suddenly, Dean’s phone rang. He looked at the screen and he couldn’t believe what he was seeing, it couldn’t be him, could it?</p>
<p>He pressed the answer button, still unsure about what was going to greet him on the other end of the line.</p>
<p>“Cas..?”</p>
<p>Dean was holding his breath, he mind was moving a mile a minute, trying to come up with any explanation. </p>
<p>“Dean,” the voice said.</p>
<p>Dean’s heart stopped, he couldn’t breathe. It couldn’t be, Dean thought, his angel was dead.</p>
<p>“I’m here… I’m hurt, can you let me in?”</p>
<p>Immediately, Dean was on his feet. He didn’t even know that he could move this fast anymore. All he was thinking was that Cas was there, Cas was so close, and if he didn’t hurry the angel might just disappear into thin air. He needed to hurry, needed to see his angel right damn now. Dean needed to see his angel with his own two eyes, he had to help him, find a way to help him, no matter how badly he was hurt, he was going to help him.</p>
<p>As he rushed out of the kitchen and to the stairs leading to the bunker’s door, he felt hopeful for just a few moments, because maybe if Cas was back, everything could be okay. As long as Cas was back, everything would be okay. They might not have had an actual plan for defeating Chuck, but with Cas back, that almost didn’t matter to Dean, not right now anyways, they’d figure it out, together. </p>
<p>But before that, and maybe a little bit afterwards, words needed to be spoken and Dean was more than ready to say them. It had been one of the only things he had been able to think about these past few weeks. Dean needed to tell Cas, he needed to tell him everything before it was too late, before something happened that tore him away from the angel again.</p>
<p>Dean didn’t know what he would do if his angel was taken away again, he didn’t have time to think about it. In a matter of seconds, which frankly took too damn long because it felt like hours to Dean, he was taking the steps up to the bunker’s door, two at a time. </p>
<p>He slowed for a brief moment, just to prepare himself before he opened the door.</p>
<p>The amount of utter shock and fear he felt when he opened that door was completely unexpected. Dean was devastated, it wasn’t Cas. Cas was still dead. He felt his heart shatter once again, but it was worse this time, so much worse. This time he had dared to hope, to dream. He dreamt of that moment that he saw Cas in the doorway, how badly he needed to hold him, he dreamt of saying those words back to him, hoped that Cas still felt the same way, still meant what he said. He had hoped for a future, one with Cas. This was the biggest mistake Dean could have made.</p>
<p>Dean didn’t have long to dwell on these thoughts though, he didn’t have the time. When he saw the face of who was really greeting him, the face of another angel who he presumed was long dead, who he thought was going to stay dead. </p>
<p>Lucifer.</p>
<p><em>It couldn’t be, could it? How did he get here, how did he escape the empty? What was he doing here?</em> Panic spread throughout him as it all sunk in. </p>
<p>He slammed the door shut even faster than he had opened it. When he turned around he noticed Sam staring at him in confusion, and then there he was. Lucifer was there, he was in the bunker. What the hell had Dean just done. How were they doing to get out of this? He had no weapons on him and neither did Sam, they were completely unprepared.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So much had happened in the past few days. Dean didn’t know how to process it all fully yet. Lucifer and Michael were dead, they beat Chuck, and now their kinda-sorta son, who was literally 3 years old, was the new God.</p>
<p>They saved the whole world again, but it still didn’t feel right. Dean knew he should feel happy. He was free, and everyone else was free from Chuck too. Everyone was safe, yet Dean couldn’t be happy, not nearly as happy and relieved as he should have been and he knew why.</p>
<p>Cas.</p>
<p>It was all because of Cas. He may have saved the world again because that’s what he does, he cares about it, cares about all the people there, but he also did it because of Cas, <em>for</em> Cas. He did it so Cas didn’t die for nothing, he knew Cas would have wanted him to continue living, to keep doing what was right and for him to be happy and alive. </p>
<p>Dean didn’t know how to be happy though, so he tried to do something, <em>anything</em> that would have made Cas proud, would have made Cas happy, would have honoured the sacrifice that he made.</p>
<p>He didn’t know what else to do, Dean couldn’t feel anything but loss and pain and longing. Longing for Castiel, his angel. So, he did what he thought he should do, he tried to think about what he would have normally done. He tried to make those around him happy, because if he couldn’t be, then at least the ones he loved could be happy, they could be free. Sam, Jack, Jody, Donna, Garth, and all the rest of them could be happy. They could be alive.</p>
<p>Dean tried to hold onto that, he tried not to sink down into despair over the loss he had experienced, but it didn’t work. He coped in the only way he knew how. He drank. He drank a lot. Most of the time Sam would find him passed out on the floor or face down on a table drunk. He didn’t want to put Sam through that, he didn’t want him to worry about him. </p>
<p>Sam had gotten Eileen back and he could finally see a future for himself with her, could maybe even see them settling down and having a kid. Eileen had moved back into the bunker to be with Sam, and Dean wanted Sam to be happy, he wanted both of them to be happy. They deserved it and they had been through so much already that Dean didn’t want to burden him or Eileen with his issues, with his pain, but he couldn’t help his actions or his feelings.</p>
<p>Dean was drowning and he had forgotten how to swim. He was drowning in his sorrows, in the pain of not having Cas, not saying more. The only thing that he thought to say was <em>don’t do this, Cas.</em> That was the only thing he could do. It was his way of telling him not to go, telling him to stay. After all the times Dean let him walk out the door and didn’t stop him, he needed to say it this time because if he didn’t, he feared he would never be able to say it again. He’d have to hold onto that again, not telling him to stay, that he wanted, <em>needed,</em> Cas to stay. </p>
<p>He didn’t know if Cas understood what he had meant when he said that, but he wanted to believe that he did, even just a little bit. That Dean didn’t want him to leave this time, he never wanted him to leave. He was trying his best, he didn’t want to shut Cas out anymore, he didn’t want to hold it inside, he wanted Cas to stay. Dean didn’t want him to leave without getting the chance to tell him not to go.</p>
<p>Dean hoped that Cas knew what he meant, he hoped Cas didn’t die thinking that he wasn’t wanted. He knew Cas didn’t know the full extent of his feelings for him, but at the very least he deserved to know that he was cared for, that he was wanted, that he’d be missed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Once again, Dean starts to drink. It seems like this was becoming a regular occurrence. This is how most nights seemed to go now.</p>
<p>Dean would pick at a meal that Sam had brought him, he hardly ate anything anymore and Sam stopped pestering him about it. He knows Sam knows that there’s more to the story, that there are things that Dean isn’t telling him. Sam’s not stupid, and Dean also knows that Sam is worried.</p>
<p>Sam tries his best to help Dean. He tries to bring him food during the day, in hopes that if it’s there, he’ll eat it. Sometimes he does, but it’s a rare occurrence if he finishes it. He encourages him to get out of the bunker, go for a walk or for a drive, just to get him out. He needs fresh air, and not to be holed up for days on end in the bunker.</p>
<p>Dean still, despite Sam’s efforts, spends a lot of time sleeping or at least trying to sleep. It’s hard some nights when his mind won’t shut off. A lot of the time he’ll just drink until he passes out or until he feels numb inside. He spends the majority of his time drinking now, it doesn’t matter what time it is. He just needs to lessen the pain.</p>
<p>Dean tries to not shut himself off from Sam and Eileen completely, he knows that they’re worried and he knows that Sam was grieving too. Sam lost Cas and Jack too. He tried to be there, just be present, just so Sam still knows he has Dean, that he didn’t lose his whole family. But this is still hard for Dean and sometimes it’s too much for him to be around them when they’re together. </p>
<p>He’s glad that they’re happy, he really is, but it hurts to see them like this, see that they’re happy, when he knows that it’s something that he can’t have. They try not to overdo it when Dean is around, but they just got each other back, Dean knows they can’t help it and they shouldn’t have to hide how they feel just because Dean is mourning and in pain. </p>
<p>The small touches and glances at each other, the way they make breakfast together most mornings as they bump into each other in the kitchen, or the way one of them lights up when the other walks into a room. The inside jokes that have and the way they’ll just start laughing for seemingly no apparent reason, an inside joke probably. They’re in love, they’re happy, and they’re free to make their own choices and live the lives that they want.</p>
<p>This love that they share, this life that they’re sharing, it’s something that Dean isn’t even sure he wants anymore. He doesn’t want it if it’s not with Cas, so Dean tries to give them some space, he tries to avoid them when they’re being all couply or when he knows both of them are together or both are even in the bunker at the same time. He spends a lot of his time in his room or the ‘Dean Cave,’ sometimes he’ll take Baby out for a drive, to nowhere in particular, but just to get away, to clear his head.</p>
<p>He spends his time trying to find ways to drown out the noise in his head and lessen the pain. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tonight was a particularly bad night for Dean. Sam had tried talking to him about what was happening with him, he only wanted to understand why Dean was so affected this time around, he had never been like this after Cas had died before. Sam just wanted to know if there was something that had happened between them before Cas had died. He wasn’t trying to push for details, he just wanted to know if there was a reason why this time seemed to affect him so much more than the others. </p>
<p>Dean doesn’t know why, but he just snapped.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to talk about it Sam!”</p>
<p>Dean can’t help himself, he doesn’t want to yell at Sam, but he just doesn’t know what else to do.</p>
<p>“Dean, please, I’m just trying to understand what happened, what made this time so different. Something had to have happened.” </p>
<p>Sam looked at him with pleading eyes, Dean could tell he was just trying to help. Dean tried to take a few breaths to calm himself down.</p>
<p>“Sam, I-” he paused, trying to hold himself together, he didn’t want to lose himself, not right now, not with Sam right there.</p>
<p>“It’s okay… Take your time, Dean, I… I just want you to know that I’m here, just to listen if that’s what you need. I just want to help.”</p>
<p>Dean sighed, <em>okay he could do this, he could do this. Right?</em> He’d spent too long shutting Sam out, Sam didn’t deserve that.</p>
<p>“Sammy, he… before he uh… <em>left,</em> he told me something. I was just so shocked and confused and everything had happened so quickly, I didn’t have time to process what he was saying-”</p>
<p>“Dean, slow down, it’s okay,” Sam said in a gentle voice, as if he was afraid at any moment Dean would turn around and run and never come back.</p>
<p>He took a breath and tried to collect his thoughts. <em>Okay, it’s going to be okay, Sam is right.</em></p>
<p>“Well, Jack told you about the deal he made with the Empty, right?”</p>
<p>Dean already knows that Jack told Sam about the deal, Dean had mentioned something about the Empty at one point, and the look Jack had on his face told Sam that he knew something about it. Sam wouldn’t let it go until Jack had spilled everything.</p>
<p>Sam nods, “Yeah, he did it to save Jack, and he said that the Empty would come for him only when he felt a moment of happiness or something... right?”</p>
<p>It was Dean’s turn to nod his head. It felt like there was a lump in this throat, and he didn’t know what to say next.</p>
<p>“Well yes, he- he told me that once he experienced a moment of... of true happiness, it would come for him, that it’d take him away, forever. I didn’t understand why he was telling me this at that point, I was still so caught up in thinking we were both going to die- that <em>everyone</em> was going to die.”</p>
<p>Dean pauses, and eyes Sam to make sure he was following.</p>
<p>“Then he uh, he started talking about how he never saw a time where he could be truly happy, because he- the one thing he wanted, he knew he couldn’t have.”</p>
<p>Dean felt the tears starting to swell in his eyes as he looked down at the floor, anywhere but at Sam.</p>
<p>“He started to talk about me, then... about… about how- how he saw me. I didn’t- I never saw myself in that way… I never saw myself to be driven by… by love.”</p>
<p>Dean had to pause. He needed to take another breath or else he wouldn’t get through what he was trying to say.</p>
<p>“He uh, he told me how I- I changed him, about how he- his whole outlook was changed...because of me...”</p>
<p>By this point, tears are streaming down Dean’s face, but he doesn’t care anymore, he just needs to get this out.</p>
<p>“He uh... He told me he <em>loved</em> me, Sammy...” </p>
<p>This last part came out in almost a whisper, he wasn’t sure if Sam had really heard him, but he hoped he did. Dean wasn’t sure if he would be able to repeat it. It felt so good to tell someone, but it also hurt to get the words out. </p>
<p>He glanced up at Sam and noticed him wipe away a few tears of his own. Dean wasn’t sure what he expected to see on Sam’s face when he looked up, but he was surprised by the look of understanding and the lack of surprise.</p>
<p>They stood in silence for a few moments after that, both of them going over everything in their heads, what Dean had just said out loud, and how Dean had been acting since all this happened.</p>
<p>Sam seemed to realize that he should say something, that the silence couldn’t last.</p>
<p>“And you...  You didn’t say it back…?”</p>
<p>“Wha- no why would I-” Dean was surprised, and it must have shown on his face because of what Sam said next.</p>
<p>“Come on, Dean,” Sam said, cutting him off, “I’m not an idiot. I know that you two felt something for each other… do you forget how many times I had to sit there with you two making googly eyes at each other?”</p>
<p>Sam seemed to be giving him one of his classic bitch faces, staring Dean dead in the eyes.</p>
<p>Dean was speechless, he didn’t think Sam knew <em>that.</em> Was it really that obvious all this time? He wouldn’t say it out loud, but he had been slightly nervous about what Sam would think about all of this. He also didn’t think Sam would be so quick to process this, but here he was, his younger brother was getting it all. He understood, and he knew this whole time.</p>
<p>Dean was slightly embarrassed, his face flushing slightly, but at least the tears had stopped.</p>
<p>“How you feel about him… even if I hadn't noticed it before all of this, it would have been pretty obvious with the way you’ve been acting since he… left.”</p>
<p>Sam didn’t say what really happened, they both knew that Dean wasn’t ready to hear it yet and Sam didn’t want to push him any further than he already had. </p>
<p>Sam sighed, “Dean I’m not here to judge you, I know that I don’t fully get what you’re going through, but I’m here to listen whenever you need me, anytime. Okay?”</p>
<p>It was then that Sam walked over to Dean and pulled him into a hug. Dean didn’t know it, but that’s exactly what he needed. He just needed to feel like everything might be okay again, he needed to feel something that wasn’t this emptiness and for a few minutes he did. He felt loved and he felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ha well, who would've thought Dean could actually use his words, I certainly did not, but here we go.</p>
<p>The next update will probably be on Sunday unless I'm feeling up to posting tomorrow.</p>
<p>I hope everyone is staying safe right now and Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!</p>
<p>Thanks for any kudos and comments, I appreciate them all!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Hello, Dean.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello again! Who's ready for a little bit of smut?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After Dean had talked to Sam about what had happened, things started to become slightly better. He was able to manage it all a bit better and he felt comfortable talking to Sam again if he needed to. He even managed to stop himself from calling Cas’ phone again. </p><p>A few days went by and Dean didn’t feel so alone anymore, he was starting to show signs of his old self again, and then something happened, something always seems to happen.</p><p>Dean had been lying on his bed in his room. He was on his phone, looking at pictures. Photos of Cas. This night had been a good night, he was able to remember the fond memories of Cas without all of the regret and shame he had normally felt when thinking about Cas.  </p><p>He didn’t have many photos of Cas, but he had a few. A couple of them were with their family, Jack, Sam, Dean, and Cas, there were also a few that included Mary as well. Dean’s favourite he had by far was one he took of Cas sort of as a joke. Cas had only noticed at the last second that Dean was even taking a picture of him. He had made him wear that stupid cowboy hat on a case once, the first case that they had worked once Cas had come back from the Empty, when he managed to annoy a cosmic being so much that it let him live. That was a story. </p><p>But this picture, Dean remembered his moment fondly. He had made Cas wear that hat because Dean loved cowboys...maybe loved them a little too much. Cas seemed very unimpressed about Dean dressing him up like that, he was maybe even a bit embarrassed when he first saw himself in the hat, but then he saw the smile Dean had on his face in that moment, and maybe that smile was enough to make him okay with it. Maybe even made him enjoy wearing the hat a little bit. In the photo, Cas had a bit of an annoyed face on him, but Dean could see the hints of a smile forming. Just as Dean took the photo, he remembers Cas trying to swat away his phone and Dean burst out laughing, managing to get the picture in time. This was a good memory, hell it was a good day! They got Cas back and Dean couldn’t imagine ever letting him go again.</p><p>Dean was lost in this memory of Cas, when he heard a noise. A noise that he had heard probably hundreds of times before. </p><p>
  <em>Whoosh</em>
</p><p>To a normal person, all it would have sounded like was a rush of air or someone shaking out a bedsheet, but Dean was not normal. However, he was very confused, that was until he heard that voice. God, he would recognize it anywhere.</p><p>"Hello, Dean."</p><p>Dean froze. He dropped his phone in the process out of pure shock. There stood at the foot of his bed was his angel. Dean couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t move.</p><p>"Cas I-" he said, stumbling over the words, not knowing what he was even going to say.</p><p>Cas looked just as confused as Dean thought he must’ve looked himself, although he wasn’t sure why. He also looked a little freaked out, which was rare for Cas to show.</p><p>"Okay, well... goodbye Dean."</p><p>Another <em>whoosh</em> and he was gone. It was like he was never even there, Dean could hardly believe what he had seen. He wasn’t sure if that really happened, but he did the only thing that felt natural, for the first time in months, for the first time since Purgatory, he closed his eyes and prayed. He prayed to his angel, with some hope that he could hear him.</p><p>“Cas, please, what… was that really you...?”</p><p>He peaked his eyes open and waited a few minutes, but nothing happened so he continued.</p><p>“Cas, please. I-I have something I need to say. Cas, I-“ </p><p>He stopped and took a shaky breath. </p><p>“I- I love you too. I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner. Please don’t leave me again...”</p><p>Dean waited. He felt like he had been waiting for hours when in reality it had probably only been under thirty minutes. He had gotten up at some point and was pacing around the room.</p><p>Dean got tired of waiting, anger started to boil in his veins, he couldn’t believe Cas had just left him there. AGAIN, without any explanation.</p><p>“Dammit, Cas! Where the hell are you! What’s going on? I can’t take this anymore. Get your feathery ass back here right. The hell. Now.”</p><p>Dean practically growled out the last part.</p><p>Dean paused again and that’s when it happened, before he even processed the sound of a <em>whoosh</em> he was being pressed against a wall. Cas was there, face inches away, he could feel his breath on his lips. His earlier anger melted away as he looked into those ocean blue eyes. They both just stood there quietly for a minute, just staring into each other’s eyes, getting lost in each other's gaze. </p><p>Dean was the first to break the eye contact as he pulled Cas into a hug, nuzzling his head into the crook of his neck. Dean breathed him in, felt his warmth, and smiled. This is what he had been needing, this was the only thing he needed. Cas, just Cas. He had been longing for this angel for months now, needing to look at his face, stare into those eyes, hear his laugh, just hold him. Dean just needed to hold him, it’s the one thing he knew he needed, the thing he had been craving for months.</p><p>Finally, he pulled back slowly, cupping Cas’ face and looking into his eyes again, those beautiful blue eyes. Dean wanted to make sure Cas knew what he was going to do next. His gaze shifted down towards his lips, then back up again. Then he leaned in slowly and brushed his lips against Cas’. It was soft and tender and full of love.</p><p>They were both nervous, but after a few minutes, it became more heated, more desperate. All that Dean had been feeling over these past few months, the desperation, the need he had been feeling to just hold Cas, to touch him, it all went into that kiss. </p><p>Dean broke away to take a breath, he couldn’t breathe.</p><p>“Cas..” he gasped, “what- what’s happening?”</p><p>“Dean,” he said, his voice sounding lower and more rough than normal, “Stop talking.”</p><p>Cas had this look in his eye, a dark look. It sent a shiver down his spine. Dean had never seen this side of Cas before, but damn did it turn him on. One of Cas’ hands found its way into Dean’s hair, and he pulled. Not hard enough to seriously hurt the man, but hard enough that he really felt it, felt his head being tugged back, which exposed his neck. Cas took full advantage of this opportunity and positioned his lips on Dean’s neck. Dean bit back a gasp, something that Cas had taken notice of, so he continued his work, exploring every inch of his neck and his collarbones with his lips, coaxing small gasps out of Dean’s mouth. </p><p>Cas had decided he had enough of this. He removed his mouth from Dean and smirked a little when Dean made a noise of disapproval. Dean would not be disappointed for long though as Castiel had plans for him.</p><p>Cas tugged at the other man’s shirt, “Off. Now,” He commanded.</p><p>Dean obliged immediately, though there didn’t seem to be room for argument and even if there was, he didn’t have the strength to resist Cas right now. His shirt had quickly been thrown to the floor, which was followed soon after by Cas’ trenchcoat, coat jacket, tie, and shirt. There they both stood, still breathless, eyeing the other. They had both seen each other like this before, although not in this context, there was certainly no time for admiring the other's body in those moments.</p><p>Cas came back to press his body flush against Dean’s and attacked his mouth with his own. There was no space left between them as they started to rut against each other.</p><p>Soon, Cas had them both turning around and was leading Dean backwards towards his bed. When the backs of his legs hit it, Cas pushed him down before crawling down on top of Dean himself. By this point, they both had very noticeable bulges in their pants. Dean wasn’t completely sure what to do here, sure he had plenty of experience in bed, but never with another man, he never let himself go there. He never even admitted it to himself that maybe, he might have wanted that. It wasn’t until after he had met Cas that he realized something might be different, and by that point, the angel had been plaguing his dreams, there was no one else he could think about besides the angel.</p><p>It seemed like Dean didn’t need to know what exactly to do here though because Cas knew what he wanted, and he was going to take it, he was going to take control of the situation and Dean was all for it.</p><p>Suddenly, Dean felt Cas line their dicks up with each other lightly. Dean tried to buck up for more pressure, more friction, but that’s when Cas pulled away again.</p><p>“No. You are going to stay there and do as you’re told. Don’t move.” </p><p>Cas had practically growled this at Dean. </p><p>Dean swears he could have come right then and there, just from the sound of the angel’s voice, but he tried to hold back. Cas had hardly touched him, and there he was, already on edge. He really wanted this to last. This was something he needed to last, so he tried not to think about how gravelly and deep the angel's voice had gotten, tried not to think about the seemingly endless span of tan skin on top of him, how he could feel the heat radiating off the other man. </p><p>Needless to say, this was extremely difficult for Dean, almost impossible.</p><p>Without saying a word, Dean nodded his head, because he didn’t know what would come out if he did speak, he wasn’t sure if he was capable of it at the moment.</p><p>“Dean…Use your words..” Cas warned.</p><p>“Yea- Yeah, Cas. I-I’ll listen, l’ll be good.” </p><p>Dean stumbled over his words, his voice sounding absolutely wrecked, but Cas seemed satisfied with his response, if the smirk on his face was anything to go by. </p><p>“Good boy.” </p><p>Dean whimpered at that, the words going straight down to his dick. </p><p>What was Cas doing to him… sure he had been dominated in bed before, but not like this, it had never had this strong of an effect on him. But it had never been with Cas before either. Dean didn’t know a single person could even have this much of an effect on another. Oh, he was completely, and utterly screwed.</p><p>Cas rewarded him with the friction that Dean had been yearning for. He brought his hips back down, and slowly, but forcefully, grinded down against Dean. </p><p>The man moaned out in pleasure, breathing out Cas’ name, followed by a series of curses. Dammit, he needed <em>more.</em></p><p>“Please...Cas please,” Dean whined out, “more, please…”</p><p>“Well… since you asked so nicely.”</p><p>Cas started kissing his way down Dean’s neck, making his way slowly across his chest, then his chin bumped Dean’s erection through his sweatpants. Dean couldn’t hold in the gasp he made.</p><p>Cas placed hot, open mouth kisses over the bulge of Dean’s pants, while Dean writhed beneath him, pleading Cas to stop teasing and just touch him.</p><p>The sounds coming from Dean were almost too much for Cas, all this pleasure it was causing him, was trapped inside his own, too-tight pants. Cas needed to release the pressure, it was becoming unbearable, and he needed to focus his attention on Dean. Cas released his mouth from his pants, much to Dean’s disapproval, and got up, going as fast as he could to get his pants off.</p><p>Dean just watched him from the bed, eyes glued to the other’s chest, watching him fumble with his belt, before unzipping his pants and shoving everything down to his ankles, and removing the last of his clothing, his dick bouncing as he moved. </p><p>Dean’s eyes went wide as he took in the sight of the other man. It was breathtaking. He couldn’t believe this man was standing in front of him like this, it was almost too good to be true.</p><p>Cas started to make his way back over to the bed, while Dean continued to watch, he didn’t want to forget any moment of this, any part of that body. Cas stopped briefly and reached into a drawer on his way to Dean. When he found his way back to the bed, he knelt down beside the hunter, slowly tugging his sweatpants down, along with his boxers. Out popped Dean’s dick, hitting his stomach, finally releasing him from the trapped heat of his pants.</p><p>Cas crawled back on top of Dean, leaning down. Dean felt a hand slowly make its way around his neck at that point, curling around, squeezing slightly, just enough to disrupt his breathing. The noises that came out of Dean, the half-broken moans and whimpers, never before had Cas heard a sound so sinful, so full of pleasure. He didn’t know how to deal with that, but it turned him on even more and he couldn’t take it. He kissed Dean once before reaching out with his other hand, to find the lube he had dropped on the bed, moments ago. Single-handedly he opened the lid, with a <em>click.</em></p><p>He looked Dean in the eyes and then back down to the lube.</p><p>“Do you mind?” </p><p>He asked as he handed it to Dean to squirt some on his fingers. Dean did this without thinking. He didn’t have a chance to think about what Cas was going to do next, because as soon as he was done, Cas leaned down, and put his mouth right next to Dean’s ear.</p><p>“I’m going to ride you, but first, I’m going to stretch myself open while you watch,” he whispered.</p><p>Dean started to nod, before remembering that Cas had told him to use his words, so he choked out a broken “fu-ck..oh-okay.”</p><p>“No touching, Dean.”</p><p>Dean trembled at the thought, inhaling sharply, as Cas’ lips brushed against his ear as he spoke. </p><p>Before Cas had even pulled his head away from Dean’s ear, he had already slipped a finger inside himself. Dean could tell that this is what he was doing from the noise Cas made, and the way his grip tightened on his neck slightly. </p><p>Dean choked out a noise of surprise, as he was reminded of where Cas’ hand was placed on him. All Dean could do was lay there and watch as this angel knelt above him, with one hand disappearing behind his back. He saw the waves of pleasure on Cas’ face as he stretched himself out on his own.</p><p>In no time it seemed that Cas had already managed to get 3 fingers inside himself, judging by his facial expressions and this one sound that Cas had made when he first started. He had only made it a few times since. It was a low, gasping whine of sorts and Dean couldn’t imagine how he would sound when he finally decided to take Dean inside of him. Dean wasn’t sure if he could handle that, feeling Cas around him, hearing the noises that he would make, seeing the pleasure spread across his face.</p><p>Seeing Cas like this, riding his own fingers, it was tearing Dean apart. Dean hadn’t been touching himself while this was happening, Cas had said no touching, and Dean was pretty sure that applied to both Cas and himself. Dean couldn’t take it any longer, he needed to feel him right now.</p><p>“Cas.. please. Need to feel you…”</p><p>Dean pleaded with Cas, unable to contain it anymore.</p><p>He saw Cas slow his motions and open his eyes that had fallen closed at some point. He looked Dean right in the eyes then, fingers still inside himself.</p><p>“Cas...please” he let out a broken plea.</p><p>“Dean… it’s okay…” Cas said as he removed his fingers and leaned down, putting his forehead against Dean’s, and kissing him softly. </p><p>Dean melted into the kiss. When Cas pulled away, he put his mouth against Dean’s ear again.</p><p>“Giddy up, cowboy,” he says in the deepest voice.</p><p>Dean almost doesn’t believe what he heard. Did Cas just- he did, he really did say that. Dean needs to remember this for later…</p><p>A <em>click</em> breaks Dean out of his train of thought and he looks down at Cas to see what the sound was. He froze. There Cas was, staring Dean right in the eyes as he lowered his hand onto Dean’s dick. Dean shuddered when he finally made contact, closing his eyes.</p><p>Once Cas was done slicking Dean up, which he sure took his damn time with, he shifted so he was right above the other man. Dean’s eyes had opened once more, wanting to look Cas in the eyes for this, he wanted to see him, he didn’t want to miss any part of this.</p><p>Slowly, he lowered himself down, not breaking eye contact. It was a struggle, for both of them. The waves of pleasure they felt, it was almost unbearable. Dean knew he wasn’t going to last long, feeling the tight heat of Cas surrounding him was too much, especially when Cas started to move.</p><p>“C-as” he choked out.</p><p>He didn’t know what to say, he was too close already and Cas was speeding up, it was becoming more and more intense. Cas’ movements becoming rougher and more chaotic. Dean was having a hard time not just flipping them over and taking that angel, but he knew Cas would not be very happy about that. He didn’t want to risk Cas becoming unhappy and subsequently, punishing Dean for his actions. Dean couldn’t handle it if Cas decided not to let him come, or if he decided to make Dean wait. Dean could not wait, not this time at least. He needed Cas, he needed this and he was not going to screw it up for himself.</p><p>A noise broke Dean from this train of thought. It was Cas. He saw his face scrunch up in pleasure and the sounds he was making, whimpering Dean’s name, Dean never wanted to hear Cas say his name in any other way.</p><p>“D-Dean…ah fuck-k.”</p><p>Cas looked absolutely wrecked and Dean had contributed to that. He had helped make the angel look like that, helped him feel this much pleasure.</p><p>Cas’ movements were getting quicker and more sporadic, on top of him and Dean could tell that he was close.</p><p>Seeing Cas like this, hearing Cas like this, it was too much for Dean. He couldn’t hold on any longer.</p><p>“Fu-ck...Cas, I’m gonna- fuck” Dean didn’t have a chance to finish speaking before he came undone. Dean couldn’t hold back, his vision went white as he came hard. He didn’t know the last time he had felt such pleasure, if ever.</p><p>Cas was not far behind him, all it took for him to finish was a strangled noise that came out of Dean’s throat and he was gone. The wave of pleasure hit him and flooded through his body. Cas rode out his orgasm on Dean as he grabbed hold of his dick to help him through it.</p><p>Afterwards, he removed himself from on top of Dean and collapsed onto Dean’s chest for a few moments as they both were still breathing heavily. Eventually, he rolled off to the side, to lay next to Dean. They didn’t say anything for a few moments, both still thinking about what had just happened. Cas didn’t want to be the first to speak, he didn’t want to startle Dean or scare him away.</p><p>Dean noticed how quiet Cas was being, how still he was. He seemed worried almost.</p><p>“Hey…” Dean said as he leaned over into Cas, brushing their lips together, “What’s going on?”</p><p>Cas let out a sigh of relief, “I just- I didn’t- I thought maybe you might have some regrets over this, it all just happened so fast and I-”</p><p>Dean cut him off with a kiss.</p><p>“I’m not going anywhere, angel. You’re mine now and I’m never letting you go, not again.”</p><p>Cas starts to say something, but it gets all fuzzy and blurry and- <em>what was happening.</em></p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p> </p><p>Suddenly Dean found himself alone in his bed. <em>What? What just happened?</em></p><p>He was covered in sweat, his pants...oh fuck… they were all sticky and warm on the inside. It all came flooding back.</p><p>Dean felt numb. He was devastated. He had gotten his angel back, he got to say those three words to him, he got to hold him. He was happy, finally happy again, there was hope and excitement and lust in his life again, but now that was gone. All of the pain, the suffering, the guilt...it all came flooding back. Dean felt like he was drowning, he was being torn apart from the inside from the anguish.</p><p>This was so much worse than the last time. Dean had felt hope, he was hopeful about having a future with his angel, but that was gone now. He was never coming back, it was just his mind playing some sort of sick joke.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Okay, I'm really sorry about this, but it's kinda necessary for what's gonna happen in the next few chapters. Things will start to look a bit more hopeful within the next two chapters so hopefully, you can bear with me until then!</p><p>Thanks for reading and thank you to anyone who's left a kudos or a comment! Feel free to yell at me there, I don't mind.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Praying for a Miracle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>We’re gonna take a little step back from Dean for a little bit I think, maybe get some other people in here. Could be fun, could be horrible, only one way to find out! Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After the dream, Dean was different. Sam hadn’t seen him in a week, and he was growing even more concerned. The only way he knew Dean was still alive in his room, was when he heard those sobs, usually late at night, but they were happening more and more frequently. </p><p>Sam was up once again, for the fifth night that week, just standing in his doorway listening to his brother's cries. He thought back to the first night this happened, all those weeks ago.</p><p>***</p><p>It was late, just after 3:00am when Sam had woken up to use the bathroom. He stumbled out of bed and was heading for the door when he heard a noise. It seemed to be muffled slightly by his door, so he slowly reached his hand out to turn the door handle, his door opening with a creek. </p><p>When it was fully opened, the noise became loud and clear. It rang throughout the bunker’s hallway, bouncing off the walls. It was deafening. That was the first time he heard the broken sobs, completely unfiltered and it made him pause. He just stood there for a long time leaning against the doorway, not moving. He was too taken aback to move, to even think about anything except his brother and the pain he must be in. He wanted to go to him, to try to calm him down, to tell him everything would be alright, but he didn’t. Something was stopping him. Partly shock, yes, but he also knew this was a private moment for Dean. He had never done this while Sam was awake or around him, he didn’t want him to hear or to know the pain that he was really in. He didn’t want Sam to truly know the extent of it because it would only cause him to worry even more.</p><p>Another noise startled him out of his thoughts then, the creaking of a door. His head snapped around towards the new sound. </p><p>It was Jack, slowly emerging from his room, glancing at Sam with soft eyes as he noticed him standing in the doorway. He walked closer.</p><p>“He does this a lot. Most nights I wake up and I hear him,” Jack said quietly.</p><p>Sam didn’t know what to say. Why didn’t Jack tell him this? He must’ve seen the puzzled look on his face because he continued.</p><p>“Sam, there’s not really anything either of us could do about it. We both know why he’s hurting and we can’t do anything to fix it, there’s no way to bring him back, not this time. I’m certainly no help anymore...”</p><p>Jack had a sad look in his eyes as he looked down the hallway, towards the source of the sound.</p><p>“Hey, Jack, don’t do that. It’ll be okay, we’ll figure something out. We just gotta keep trying.”</p><p>“I know…”</p><p>They were both silent for a few minutes, just standing there together, listening to the whimpers that echoed throughout the bunker. </p><p>“Why’re you up now anyways? You should be sleeping,” Sam said, breaking their silence.</p><p>“I was sleeping, but now I’m awake. I can’t sleep anymore. I used to spend this time with Cas sometimes, while you were both asleep, but now I’m not really sure what to do. Everything is just so different now.”</p><p>Jack looked so lost.</p><p>“Why don’t I stay up with you for a bit then, we could put a movie on?”</p><p>Sam offered up a hopeful smile, he knew losing Cas was hard for Jack too and he just wanted to be there for him.</p><p>“Sure, I’d like that.”</p><p>“Okay, just give me a few minutes, then I’ll be right back.”</p><p>Sam slipped away, finally heading to the bathroom, before heading back to Jack. They watched the movie in Sam’s room and at some point, Sam dozed off. </p><p>When he woke back up, Jack was gone.</p><p>***</p><p>A lot had changed since then, now, instead of having Jack to talk to, he had Elieen. One thing remained the same though, on the nights when Sam woke, he still heard Dean, it was just happening more and more frequently now.</p><p>Sam was starting to see further changes in Dean. He thought that it had pained him when he had started to get used to finding Dean passed out drunk, sometimes having to help him up when he couldn’t even stand without assistance, and half carry him to his bed. </p><p>Sam could see that he was in pain, but he didn’t know how to help or how to make Dean better, so he did little things, hoping that they might make Dean’s life even just a little bit easier or a bit less lonely. </p><p>He cleaned up Dean’s messes, he collected all the empty bottles that had begun to litter the bunker. He did a round of it almost daily, just to try and keep some order. He tried to bring Dean food, in hopes that maybe if it was just there that he’d eat it. </p><p>He started to find that it didn’t even matter what he brought him or how much he loved the food, he’d still hardly touch it. Sam even went as far as to bring him pie once, and still, Dean had only taken a few small bites, before it was forgotten.</p><p>This was all before Dean had finally opened up to Sam, before he shared with him why he had been affected so strongly by Cas’ death this time. When he told Sam what Cas had said, and how Dean had said nothing in return. This was before Dean had started to eat just a bit more of the food when it was brought to him, before he started to spend more time out of his room and around Sam, before he actually started to leave the bunker a few times when it wasn’t for a liquor run or due to Sam pestering him to get some fresh air. All of this was when Sam had finally become hopeful that his brother was clawing his way out of the dark pit of despair he had dug himself. </p><p>But then all of that changed, it happened overnight and then all signs of the brother he knew were gone. It was almost like his brother really was gone. It had been days since he’d seen his face, his door always locked when Sam tried it after Dean refused to let him into the room. Untouched plates would be left sitting outside his room for hours until Sam gave up and finally disposed of them. He didn’t know if Dean had been eating anything at all, if he had, it was only when Sam and Eileen were fast asleep and weren't around to notice.</p><p>The changes that he saw were starting to scare him. This behaviour was anything but healthy. He was worried for Dean, he’d never acted like this before. He also never used to cry like this, at least not this often, maybe it had happened a few times in his life, but this? This was different. Sam knew something had happened, something had to have happened for Dean to become this different and this shut off from him and Eileen. He didn’t know what to do, so he tried discussing it with her. </p><p>His sign language had gotten much better and it was rare for him to struggle with it at this point, but now, he didn’t know what to do. Maybe it was because he didn’t even know what words to use, he wasn’t sure if Elieen could help, he wasn’t sure if anyone could help, but Sam had to try. If anyone else could understand what Sam was feeling, it would be Eileen. She had been living with them since Jack brought her back. She cared about Sam and also cared about Dean, so she was becoming increasingly worried as well.</p><p>“Maybe you could try reaching out to Jack?” Eileen said.</p><p>“I don’t know… I’ve tried before and nothing, he never answered.”</p><p>“Well, do you think he knows how bad Dean has gotten? I’m sure Jack still loves you both, you’re his family.”</p><p>“Yeah but-”</p><p>“No but’s Sam, you need to try harder, make him understand. He needs to know that this is killing Dean. I’m worried, not just about him, but about you too.”</p><p>Eileen looked at him, a stern look in her eyes. He could tell that she was not going to waver.</p><p>“Okay, okay… I’m worried too. I-I’ll try again. I’ll keep trying until he comes. He is still family, so maybe he’ll make an exception to his new way of doing things.”</p><p>He tried to put a hopeful look on his face, but it felt forced and it probably wasn’t very convincing.</p><p>“Come here,” Eileen said, embracing Sam and trying to comfort him. It’s been hard on both of them seeing Dean like this. Sam misses his brother, but he also lost a friend, he lost family. Cas had died, and yes he had felt the loss but he also didn’t have time to worry about it too much, not at first. He was still heartbroken from losing Eileen and he was so focused on finding a way to take down Chuck and to bring her back. He feels guilty… he knew Dean needed him, but Sam was also mourning someone else and he wasn’t there for Dean as much as he always should have been. </p><p>***</p><p>After they had beaten Chuck, they saved everyone and Sam got Eileen back, but then Jack had left them. It seemed that they couldn’t catch a break. Just when they seem to get a win, something happens, they lose someone. He knows that Jack wasn’t dead, that he was still alive and he was at peace, but it still hurt him, he couldn’t help but feel like he had lost a son because in a way he had. Jack had chosen to leave them, he thought that it would be for the best, but Sam still misses him.</p><p>Sometimes Sam would pray to him, just so he knew that if he ever decided to come home, that they would be there. They would always be there ready to welcome him back. Jack was family and they loved him.</p><p>He told Jack about how they were doing, the little things, maybe some funny story that had happened that day or how he was thinking about settling down with Eileen. He wanted Jack to know what was happening in their lives. Sam also spoke about the bad times and how much they needed and missed him. He talked about Cas and how he’s sure something had happened with him and Dean before he died, but Dean still wouldn’t talk about it.</p><p>Sam didn’t go into too much detail about how bad Dean really was. Jack had witnessed it when he was still around and besides, Sam didn’t want Jack to feel guilty about leaving them. He knew he left for a reason, and he was proud of Jack, but he was still hurting. It was difficult for Sam to see his brother in this much pain and it was even more difficult to talk about it. But now Sam knew that he needed to tell Jack everything. He needed to stop holding back, he needed to tell Jack how it only seemed to be getting worse. He knew this was going to be hard, but he didn’t have any other ideas, there was no one else he could turn to for help and besides, even if Jack wasn’t an all-powerful god now, Jack should still know. Jack knew Dean and he still cared about him. He needed to understand that this was not going to end, that Dean was not going to get better, so he prayed to Jack again.</p><p>He went outside the bunker, wanting some privacy, he didn’t want to be overheard. It was a cool night, there was a slight breeze blowing through the air, brushing a few strands of hair into his eyes. He brushed them away as he walked a bit away from the bunker, into the trees. He paused when he reached a tall oak tree, sitting on the ground beneath it, with his back supported by the trunk. He closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths and tried to collect his thoughts before he began.</p><p>This time, he told Jack everything. He told him about how miserable Dean was and how he would hardly eat anymore, how he would spend less and less time with Sam and Eileen as time went on, how Sam would, more often than not, find Dean passed out drunk on the floor. He also told Jack what Dean had told him, he knew he might not have wanted him to, but he knew that Dean would come around and probably understand why he did it. He told Jack about what Cas told Dean, that he loved him and that it was killing Dean that he wasn’t able to say it back, that he never got the chance to say it. </p><p>Sam went on to say how he thought they were making progress though, when Sam got Dean to actually open up about all of this, how Dean was starting to seem like his old self just a little, but then all of a sudden Dean shut down. He wouldn’t leave his room, or at least Sam or Eileen had not seen him leave. He told Jack that the only way Sam knew he was even alive in his room was when he heard the sobs, which had become even more frequent. How Dean didn’t even have the energy to filter them during the day now. He and Jack both knew that Dean never did that before, he would always at least try to hide it when he knew they were awake.</p><p>Sam told him how he wasn’t even sure if Dean had been eating anymore and that he was terrified to lose his brother. He had already lost so many people, too many to count, and now with Cas dead and Jack leaving them, Sam didn’t think he would survive it if Dean was gone too.</p><p>Sam begged Jack to come back, he begged until his voice had gone hoarse and he couldn’t speak any longer. Tears were streaming down his face and Sam felt utterly helpless. After some time had passed, Sam gave up. Jack wasn’t coming. Sam didn’t know what to do anymore, there was nothing left, no other options. He could only try to hope that maybe Dean would get better on his own or he’d have to pray for a miracle.</p><p>Sam sat there in the silence of the night for a few more minutes, he didn’t want to go back inside yet. Then he heard a rustle coming from one of the bushes. Instantly he was on high alert, it could be just a deer, but then again, how often was it ‘just a deer’. He rose to his feet, trying to be as silent as he could, squinting his eyes to see if he could catch a glimpse of whatever it was in the moonlight.</p><p>He heard another noise, a whimper of sorts. Maybe it was just an animal that was injured, maybe he should find out. He started to take a few careful steps towards the bush when out popped… a dog?</p><p>It wasn’t just any dog though, it looked familiar, very familiar. Then the dog came rushing towards him and it hit him. Miracle. It looked just like that dog that Dean had found at the gas station… it couldn’t be could it? Maybe Jack had heard him after all, maybe it’s all he could do to help. Maybe he was trying to tell Sam to not give up hope.</p><p>So many maybes, but he didn’t have any answers. This dog brought up so many new questions, but it also gave him one thing. Hope.</p><p>He scooped up Miracle in his arms and headed back into the bunker, taking Miracle with him as he searched for Eileen, wanting to talk to her about what to do and if they should tell Dean.</p><p>***</p><p>In the end, they decided they would have to tell Dean and make him see this little dog. It was, after all, the dog that he found at first, he was the one who had wanted to keep it, and if anyone needed a miracle right now, it was Dean.</p><p>Sam walked Miracle towards Dean’s door. Stopping outside and knocking gently.</p><p>“Hey, Dean?”</p><p>No answer.</p><p>“Dean, come on,” Sam sighed, “I know you’re there and I know you can hear me.”</p><p>He heard some shuffling in the room and the clink of a bottle.</p><p>“Go away, Sam.”</p><p>Dean’s voice sounded rough and slurred slightly, he was probably drinking again.</p><p>“No, I have something to show you, or I guess for you.”</p><p>“Sam,” he said, his voice low, almost like a warning.</p><p>“Dean, come on just open the damn door, okay? Then I’ll leave right after, I promise.”</p><p>More silence. He stood there in silence for a few minutes, looking down at the dog who was looking up curiously at him.</p><p>“I’m not going away until you open the door.”</p><p>“Just- just leave whatever it is outside and go.”</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>Sam knelt down to the dog then, petting him gently on the head.</p><p>“Okay stay. Got it?”</p><p>He rose slowly, his hand out as a sign to tell the dog to stay there, while he walked away slowly. </p><p>“Okay, I’m leaving, alright?”</p><p>He backed away until he was just around the corner, poking his head around, just to keep an eye on the dog until Dean opened the door. He was still sitting there happily wagging his tail.</p><p>***</p><p>Dean was getting annoyed with Sam. Why the hell couldn’t he just leave him alone, he just wanted to be left alone. </p><p>With a huff, he got up from his bed, setting down the bottle of whiskey on his bedside table and walking to the door. He opened it cautiously, just in case Sam was waiting for him or something.</p><p>When he opened it, Sam wasn’t there. He let out a sigh of relief, but then a little whimper caught his attention. He looked down at the ground and his breath caught in his throat. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Was that? It couldn’t be, could it?</p><p>He knelt down, watching as the dog got to his feet, bouncing up happily at Dean.</p><p>“Hey there buddy. What’re you doing here,” he said, reaching out to pat his head.</p><p>Miracle closed his eyes, leaning into Dean’s hand.</p><p>“Alright, come here.”</p><p>Dean wrapped his arms around the dog and scooped him up, carrying him into his room, and plopping him down on his bed with him. A small smile had managed to work its way onto his face at some point. He couldn’t help it, he was happy to see this dog again, once again showing up just when he needed him.</p><p>Dean sat there on the bed, nuzzling his face into Miracle as he held onto him tightly for just a few moments before letting him go.</p><p>He watched as Miracle got up and walked around in a few circles before lying down on the end of his bed, closing his eyes.</p><p>A buzz startled Dean then. It was his phone. He pulled it out and turned it on, clicking on his messages. There was a new message from Sam.</p><p>
  <em>You can thank Jack for that. I guess he hasn’t forgotten us after all.</em>
</p><p>Dean typed out a quick reply.</p><p>
  <em>Thanks</em>
</p><p>He shut off his phone, not bothering to wait for a reply. He spent the rest of his night laying there in his bed, just thinking. He was starting to drift off after a while and before he did, he sent out one little prayer, not much, maybe it wasn’t even enough to be heard, but he did it anyway.</p><p>
  <em>Thank you, Jack.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I just had to slip a little bit of dad Sam in there, I love the dad moments that we get with Jack from all of them, so this’ll have to satisfy me for now.<br/>I hope everyone’s enjoying the fic, if you’re still sticking with me!<br/>I hope this little Miracle bit has made up for any pain I've caused you.<br/>Thanks for reading and thank you so much for all the kudos and comments! See you next weekend!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Can Anyone Hear Me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello again! I hope 2021 is treating everyone well so far! This chapter has yet another little POV change and I am VERY excited about it because it's about damn time for this. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A whisper. That’s all he heard. Just a constant stream of whispers. They were calling to him, calling his name.</p>
<p>
  <em>Cas</em>
</p>
<p>He knew that voice, he’d recognize that voice anywhere. It was a voice he could never forget, even if he tried.</p>
<p>
  <em>Cas, please</em>
</p>
<p>There it was again. It was Dean, his Dean. Why was he hearing Dean? What was going on? Why did he sound so broken?</p>
<p>
  <em>Cass</em>
</p>
<p>Was that pleasure that he heard in Dean’s voice? <em>Oh.</em> Cas realized why he sounded like that, he could <em>feel</em> it. Cas could feel everything that Dean was feeling in that moment, but he wasn’t completely sure why or how this was even happening. All he could feel was intense pleasure surging throughout his body, he could feel Dean, could hear him inside his head, moaning his name.</p>
<p>If Cas was shocked by these feelings from Dean, he was absolutely shaken by what he felt next. Almost immediately the feelings of intense desire and bliss were turned into something so broken that Cas felt in his core. He was overcome with a sense of longing and heartbreak that he had never felt before. </p>
<p>What confused him next were the tears he felt forming in his eyes, they weren’t his tears because this wasn’t his pain, but at the same time, they were. They were Dean’s tears, they were there because of Dean‘s pain, the pain that Cas was now feeling, the utter brokenness Castiel felt inside of him, the emptiness. Cas couldn’t tell where Dean’s pain ended and his own started, it was all a blur.</p>
<p>Cas couldn’t feel anything else, he couldn’t think about anything else, just Dean. All he could think about was this absolute agony from Dean and that he needed to make it stop, he needed to help him. Now.</p>
<p>Cas needed to make him feel something, anything, but this. He couldn’t stand the thought of knowing that Dean was in this much pain and he was almost completely certain that it was his fault. He left Dean, he left him all alone. Cas knew that Dean never coped well with his death before, but he thought that Dean would be able to get over it with time, but this? This was not getting over it. This was just worse, it was worse than anything he had ever imagined Dean would feel. </p>
<p>Cas needed to find a way to help him, he needed to find a way out. He didn’t know how exactly he would do it, but he had to try and he had an idea of how to at least start.</p>
<p>He didn’t have a plan, all he knew was that there was no way he was getting out alone this time, he didn’t think it was enough for him to just annoy a cosmic being until it let him go like last time. He would need something bigger than just him. Cas knew he needed help so he did the only thing he could think of, something he had done once before when he was here, he called out. He would call out to the other residents of the empty, call out to his brothers and sisters, he would call out to any being there that could hear him or until he made himself heard.</p>
<p>Cas knew there probably weren’t many there who would even want to help him, but he had to try, he had to try for Dean. </p>
<p>“H-hello?”</p>
<p>Cas’ voice shook, it sounded raw. He could still feel the tears pooling in his eyes and spilling down his cheeks.</p>
<p>He vigorously wiped them away, trying to make them stop. He could do this, he had to do this. He needed to be strong, for Dean. It’s always for Dean. Everything he had ever done, always for that man, the man that he loved.</p>
<p>Cas didn’t know when exactly he fell in love with Dean, he thinks there was always some part of him that did ever since he pulled him from hell, even if he didn’t realize it back then, he had always held a special interest in him. Cas paid him special attention, he listened and came to him when he called, he valued what Dean had to say and wanted to listen to him because he knew what kind of man the older Winchester was. He knew what drove him, he knew he wouldn’t be doing something if he didn’t believe it to be right. Castiel had seen even back then, how much Dean truly cared about the world and the people in it.</p>
<p>Castiel had put him together piece by piece, body and soul. He knew Dean better than Dean knew himself in some aspects and he trusted him. Cas grew to care for him in a relatively short period of time, at first he was just a mission, but then it grew into something more, a friendship, one that definitely wasn’t perfect, but their hearts were in the right place. Those feelings that he held became more powerful, however, as the years went by, as their relationship continued to grow.</p>
<p>Cas didn’t know back then what would continue to develop between them, how strong their bond really was or how it would only become stronger with time. He didn’t know the unconditional love he would feel for that man. He didn’t even know he was capable of feeling love or just feelings in general.</p>
<p>This love that he felt, it snuck up on him until one day, it consumed him completely. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to say when exactly he fell in love, or pinpoint a certain moment because he fell in love with this hunter more and more each day. Even now, being stuck in the Empty, he found himself falling even more. </p>
<p>Through every little thing, every day he had known or spent with the hunter, he could feel this love growing.</p>
<p>It wasn’t just from the big things, like Dean saving the world over and over again or how he also saved Cas and Sam and his family countless times. It wasn’t just because from the moment Cas saw him, saw his beauty, he was in awe. It was from the meaning behind these actions. The way that Dean cared so much about his family, his friends and people he had never even met, never even knew existed. </p>
<p>The way Dean loved so strongly and deeply, the way he actually cared about the people around him and fought for those people, fought for the whole world, in fact, because of how strongly he believed it to be right. Even when all seemed impossible, Dean kept fighting. He didn’t give up, he wouldn’t sacrifice the whole world for his own happiness or personal gain, quite the opposite actually. Dean would give everything he had for the sake of other people, people he didn’t even know. He would sacrifice his own happiness or even his life.</p>
<p>Cas knew Dean wasn’t perfect though, but that’s also why he loved him, he loved how human he was with all of his flaws. With the way he was too afraid to admit he was wrong, when he was too scared to be hurt or to open up to those he loved. Even when he pushed Cas away and put up all his walls, Cas still loved him. He couldn’t help but love him, even if it hurt.</p>
<p>All of the time he had spent with Dean, all of the memories he had of him, they were the best memories he had.</p>
<p>The way Dean would stuff his face with food and sometimes start laughing halfway through the mouthful, even if it was kind of gross. His awkward little laughs or his jokes that only he seemed to laugh at. His obsession with pie and how he wouldn’t let it go if someone forgot to buy it, and when he did get it, he didn’t care where he was or who was around, it seemed as if it was the first meal he’d eaten in months, making noises of his approval that were audible to anyone near by.</p>
<p>Dean also had this interesting obsession with anything to do with the old west, specifically old western movies, the ones with cowboys.</p>
<p>On Cas’ first case back from the Empty, when Dean made him wear that absurd hat. Cas had felt so ridiculous and embarrassed at first, but then when he looked at Dean when he saw that look on his face, he couldn’t help but smile. He couldn’t refuse Dean, so he cracked a joke about it, hoping to get some kind of reaction. <em>I’m your Huckleberry.</em></p>
<p>Dean’s love of old Western movies was no secret. That whole case Dean was so excited, so full of joy, he was like a kid on Christmas morning, and Cas found it endearing. </p>
<p>Dean had made him watch so many of those movies. He would ramble on and on about the next movie he was going to make Cas watch as he fumbled around the kitchen making popcorn and grabbing a few beers, before dragging Cas to the den. Cas remembers these nights fondly. The nights where he and Dean would both curl up on the two recliner chairs, Dean with this huge childlike grin on his face, still rambling on about how much Cas would love this next movie. </p>
<p>Cas didn’t need to be convinced though. He didn’t need Dean to drag him into the den. Cas would have followed him willingly. He was just happy to spend this time with Dean, just the two of them. Throughout the movie, Dean would be mouthing the words, sometimes shouting them out when he got too excited. Cas would just smile. He liked watching Dean while he watched the movies. He loved seeing Dean this excited about something, all the problems in their lives at the time, seemingly forgotten. All traces of worry were gone.</p>
<p>Cas wished Dean could be like that all the time. Just happy. Not having to feel the weight of the world on his shoulders.</p>
<p>He missed Dean, he missed seeing him happy, seeing the joy on his face when he’d belt out a song from one of his few albums in the impala. </p>
<p>Once, Dean had been singing softly, a small smile on his face, with Cas in the passenger seat and without thinking too much about it, Cas started singing along with him. Dean halted his singing at first, completely taken aback. He was probably shocked that Cas even knew the words to the song, but it passed once Cas shot him a questioning look. Then Dean started up again, both of them growing louder and louder until they were practically shouting the words out. One probably couldn’t call it singing at that point, but that moment, that moment was something they both needed. It was as if nothing else in the world mattered, it was just them, in the impala with huge goofy grins on their faces, trying to keep from being consumed by the laughter they both tried to contain.</p>
<p>That song, that was the first song Dean had put on the mixtape he gave to Cas.</p>
<p>When Cas first listened to the tape Dean made for him, he didn’t expect to hear that song. He didn’t think Dean would have remembered that time in the impala, or that he might even treasure this memory in the way Cas had. </p>
<p>He listened to the rest of the tape with a smile on his face, thinking about how much time and effort Dean must’ve put into this one thing for Cas. Why did he even think to do this for Cas? Was there a reason? Did he spend hours thinking about which songs he wanted on it or did he just know?</p>
<p>Cas didn’t know how to thank Dean for this, but he also didn’t know if this tape was really made specifically for him. Maybe Dean had just had it laying around or maybe he had just thrown together some songs and as an afterthought, thought maybe Cas would enjoy them. </p>
<p>He was able to dismiss these thoughts though when he tried to give it back to him, and Dean told him it was meant for him to keep. It was a gift. It was only meant for him.</p>
<p>Cas felt a mix of happiness and guilt at this moment. All he wanted was for his hunter here with him, he wanted to hold him, he wanted to tell him everything was going to be okay, that they’d be okay. He needed Dean to feel something other than this emptiness that Cas felt within him. Dean deserved the world, he deserved to be happy, he deserved to be able to live a free life, but he couldn’t. Cas had broken something inside him and it caused him to lose hope.</p>
<p>Cas had to do this for Dean. Dean deserved so much more than this and he had to do this one thing for Dean, he needed to show Dean that there was hope.</p>
<p>Cas took another deep breath and he called out once again.</p>
<p>“Hello?”</p>
<p>This time his voice did not falter. It was loud and clear. He shouted at the top of his lungs, praying someone would hear him.</p>
<p>“Can anyone hear me? Please! I need your help, I need- someone please!”</p>
<p>He continued shouting for a while, his throat starting to hurt, but he couldn’t stop. He knew it was possible. He had done it before with Ruby.</p>
<p>Oh.</p>
<p>Maybe he was approaching this the wrong way. Maybe he needed to focus his attention on a single being. Maybe if he focused entirely on a single angel, he could reach them. He wasn’t certain if it would work, but still, he closed his eyes and took a breath, trying his best to focus.</p>
<p>“Balthazar, are you there? Please, please wake up. I need you to wake up! I need your help. Bal, please. I know I may not deserve your help, but it’s not for me. I know you may not want to see me or even think about helping me, but I swear, I’m trying to do the right thing.”</p>
<p>Cas felt like he had been screaming for hours until he heard a noise.</p>
<p>It was a weird gurgling noise, one that he had heard a few times before.</p>
<p>“Hello, Cassie. What a funny surprise,” Balthazar said, sarcasm thick in his voice.</p>
<p>“Balthazar.”</p>
<p>Castiel turned around to face the other angel. He wasn’t sure how to play this, he wasn’t sure if Balthazar held a grudge against him. At one point, they’d have considered one another good friends, but that was years ago and before Castiel had gone mad with power and stabbed him in the back. He had been too far gone to realize that Balthazar was only trying to help because he cared, he wanted to save his brother, his friend.</p>
<p>“I-I’m sorry about what happened, if there were any way for me to change what I did-”</p>
<p>Balthazar put his hand up, stopping Castiel’s rambling.</p>
<p>“Water under the bridge, now is that the only reason that you woke me from eternal sleep?”</p>
<p>“No, I umm, I need your help. It-It’s about Dean.”</p>
<p>“Ahh is your boyfriend in some sort of trouble?’</p>
<p>Cas knew Balthazar just meant it as a sort of joke, but he couldn’t help but feel guilty about how he left Dean. </p>
<p>“He’s not my boyfriend, never will be…”</p>
<p>Balthazar’s chuckles faded out.</p>
<p>“Wait, Cassie. Did something happen?”</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck, how did he know?</em>
</p>
<p>“Come on, what’s going on?”</p>
<p>Balthazar looked a little confused now, with some concern showing on his face.</p>
<p>“Dean, he uh- I- I made a choice, back when I was alive to save someone that I loved and that choice, it came at a cost. I thought that it was only a cost that I would have to pay, but it ended up hurting Dean, as well…” Cas wasn’t really sure how to explain it to his brother, he wasn’t sure if he would actually understand it if he went into the details.</p>
<p>“Hurt Dean how? </p>
<p>Cas did his best to explain everything to Balthazar, starting with the deal he made to save Jack. He was hoping that he might understand and that he would help.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>“So...what you’re telling me is that you only told him that you loved him to save him? And then he watched you die. You left the man who’s been in love with you for years and didn’t- you didn’t give him a chance to say anything back?”</p>
<p>“He’s not-”</p>
<p>“Okay, I’m saying this in the nicest way possible, but shut up. You’re an even bigger idiot than I thought you were if you’re about to tell me that he hasn’t been in love with you since he met you. Cas, I hardly even knew the man, and even I could see it.”</p>
<p>Cas was about to argue with Balthazar about that when he saw the look he gave him. Balthazar was not taking any of his shit.</p>
<p>“So what’s the plan then? I don’t understand what you need little old me for, unless it was just for a therapy session.”</p>
<p>“No, I need your help to get back to him, I need a lot of help, actually. We need to wake up the others, as many as we can. I’ve escaped from here once before because I annoyed the Empty, but I don’t think that’ll work again. We need more noise. If we can get enough noise, then I think it’ll have no choice but to let us out.”</p>
<p>“Really, why do you say that…?”</p>
<p>“Because it needs sleep, and it needs total silence to sleep. It basically loses its mind if it becomes too loud in here, so I think if there were enough of us, we could make it loud enough, and there would be too many of us for it to deal with. It’d have no choice but to send us all back.”</p>
<p>“Wait, did you say all of us? Send all of us back?”</p>
<p>Balthazar looked dumbfounded like he didn’t quite believe what Castiel was saying.</p>
<p>“Yes. Every last one of us.”</p>
<p>“Well that’s certainly one hell of a plan now isn’t it. Sounds almost a little too simple.”</p>
<p>“Yes, well, it may be difficult to start waking the others up. It took me hours just to get to you, but hopefully, some of the others will be willing to help, if not for my benefit, then maybe at least for the chance to be sent back.”</p>
<p>“Certainly sounds like quite a tempting proposal. It could work very well, but I feel we might need to be careful about who we bring back, I may have been gone for a while, but I’m sure there are certain angels and demons that the Earth would be better off not having back due to our mistakes.”</p>
<p>“I’ve been thinking about that and yes, we’ll have to be careful, we need to make sure that we can trust them, we don’t want them calling someone unnecessary and be stuck with dealing with them on Earth again. For starters, we don’t want Raphael or Lucifer coming back… That could be, well... that could be a huge problem once again.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, but did you say Raphael and Lucifer? They’re both dead? How?”</p>
<p>“Well, after you… I killed Raphael. The new power I had gained from consuming all the souls in purgatory allowed me to kill him. And as for Lucifer… let’s just say you missed a lot while you were gone, I’ll fill you in on the details at some point, but long story short, he escaped from the cage a few times and at one point he had a son, which is nothing like him, might I add. His name is Jack and… well he’s quite sweet actually, takes after his mother.”</p>
<p>“Cas…?” Balthazar said quietly, trying to get his attention. </p>
<p>“Sorry, it’s just that he was the one I mentioned earlier, the one I made the deal for.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I see.”</p>
<p>Balthazar paused, not really knowing what else to say.</p>
<p>“Anyways, maybe we should just get to work.”</p>
<p>“Alright, sounds like a good idea, let’s get started.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well, that was fun. I love Balthazar so there was no way I wasn’t going to bring him back. He 100% deserved more screen time. Also, I'm sorry but no I could not resist slipping a little Cowboy Cas is here again because reasons.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for reading! All the kudos and comments really brighten my day, I love hearing from you guys!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. We Are Your Family</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! I hope everyone enjoyed the last chapter! Que the rest of the breakout! Let’s get Cas back to his hunter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It felt like it took them days to gather a large enough group of angels, but time seemed to pass differently here and it was hard to keep track so he couldn’t be certain of how long it really took. Each angel they chose, they had to think about and consider carefully. They needed to be smart about this if it was going to work, and if it did work and they made it back to Earth, then they couldn’t have just any angel running around. Cas knows he was playing God here yet again, but after all the damage he has caused to heaven and Earth already, he had no other choice. He needed to be careful and if this was the only way to find his way back to Dean, he had to do it while trying to play it as safe as possible. </p><p>Castiel was happy to see some of his brothers and sisters, some that he had not seen in a very long time, and others he had only parted ways with more recently.</p><p>Balthazar, Gabriel, Samandriel and Hannah were among Cas’ most trusted of the bunch, but they were not alone in being in his good graces. He knew these angels, they tried their best to do what was right.</p><p>Some had tried to stay out of the conflict between angels on Earth, like Rebecca and Elijah, and some of the other penitent angels. Amongst the others were Joshua, Ezekiel, Akobel, Benjamin, Ambriel, Kelvin, Sophia and Azriel. All angel’s that Castiel had learned to trust or he knew to be good and decent. Together they discussed the plan and even called on a few more angels that they had discussed as a group. They knew that if this plan was going to work, then they needed to work together, they needed to come together and put any past differences or disagreements behind them.</p><p>Castiel also made sure that he took this chance to apologize to certain siblings that had been hurt by his actions in the past, whether it was directly or indirectly. He may have been doing what he was told at the time or doing what he believed right, but he knew that either way, many of his brothers and sisters had suffered because of that.</p><p>He pulled Akobel aside when he first woke up, he needed to explain what happened and why it happened. Castiel, like the others, had been fooled by Ishim, he had deceived them and used his rank to fabricate a story, which they all blindly believed. This death was one that Castiel felt a great deal of guilt over. It had caused several deaths, one most notably, of an innocent child, as well as the deaths of Benjamin, Mirabel and the other members of the garrison. It also contributed to the loss of a woman's soul, Lily Sunder, the woman whose life was destroyed and who became consumed by revenge. Castiel also tried to reassure him that in the end, Ishim hadn’t gotten away with it, it may have taken years, but eventually, he got what he deserved.</p><p>Castiel also tried to make amends with those who were affected by his ignorant actions when helping Metatron. At the time he thought he was doing what was best, but it was all a lie. He didn’t wait for Kevin to finish translating the angel tablet or for Sam and Dean’s help, he had wanted to do this without them and he paid for it dearly, but he was not the only one who paid the price. Sophia, Azriel, Ezekiel, they were all killed in the fall, they were all killed because of his recklessness.</p><p>Cas felt that he had, in one way or another, contributed to all of these angels' deaths, even if it wasn’t by his hands. Joshua, Kelvin, Muriel and Ambriel too, he had been present for all of their deaths, they were put in those positions because of him, because he agreed to an offer they made him, or he worked with them or tricked them into helping him, or he just let it happen.</p><p>He hoped that there would be no grudges against him, after all, not all of them would blame him for their deaths, but he still felt the need to try and set things right and he hoped that maybe he could help them, that he could help them get a second chance.</p><p>These angels, his brothers and sisters, didn’t necessarily choose to die, it might have happened because it was just part of the mission or they died for a cause or because they were just doing what needed or had to be done at the time, but now they might get a second chance.</p><p>Castiel also knew that heaven could use every last angel it could find, but he didn’t want to put it in harm's way again because he made another mistake, because he chose someone who could cause an even greater problem than before, someone who could do so much harm. He had to be careful, after all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and that seemed to be his life. Always with good intentions and most of the time, something went wrong because of it or because he was too blind to see other outcomes.</p><p>They didn’t only gather angels though, there were a few demons too, not many, and to be more specific there were only two, but hell if those two didn’t matter. Crowley and Meg, he couldn’t forget about them, both had sacrificed themselves for him and the Winchesters, they weren’t completely consumed with hate or evil like most other demons, they had some good parts to them too. They did look slightly out of place though amongst the hoards of angels and Castiel had to be careful. He tried to keep them away from the majority of angels, in fear that some would not agree with this one choice, but they had done much for him, how could he not try to repay them. He also knew that he could count on them to help, even if Crowley may have only done it for selfish reasons, or at least, that’s all he would admit to. Meg, on the other hand, had shown such kindness and care for him on Earth, and he would never forget it.</p><p>***</p><p>Slowly, the amount of noise they had been making grew as their numbers increased. They tried to be as quiet as possible, trying not to all be calling out or talking at once, but still, they weren’t very subtle. They weren’t sure when exactly the Empty would show itself to them because of this, but they had to be on high alert the whole time.</p><p>When they were ready, all aware that they couldn’t really know for sure what would happen, they all called out together, all at once. They yelled and screamed and shrieked until their throats were hoarse, and even then they kept on going, they weren’t sure how long it would take, as this plan wasn’t very specific, so they had decided on different groups taking breaks at different times.</p><p>It felt like they had been screaming for ages when finally they heard another noise, a slurping, gurgling sound and then they saw the morphing of a black gooey liquid. It screamed at them, pleading for them to stop, begging them to stop. It couldn’t handle all this noise. They were torturing the ancient cosmic being, causing it to writhe in pain. Then, they halted, each one of them becoming silent as Castiel took a few steps toward the being, breaking away from the group.</p><p>“We are not going to stop. We will never stop. You may keep us here forever, but we will never stop, we will just keep screaming, just keep waking more of us up and it’ll just keep getting louder and louder. We will not stop until you let us out. That is something that I can promise.”</p><p>And then they continued. Time kept passing by, but they didn’t stop again, they just kept on making as much noise as they could.</p><p>Castiel couldn’t imagine the pain they were causing and he was beginning to wonder why it hadn’t given in yet, how it had held on for this long and then he saw white.</p><p>***</p><p>Everything around him was white, he was surrounded by it, consumed by it. He had to shut his eyes. Then it was quiet, not a single scream was heard. It took him a few moments before the sharpness dulled down enough for him to be able to see once again. </p><p>He blinked his eyes, looking down, he saw grass, he was laying on a field of grass, and then he looked around. There surrounding him were the rest of them, they were all there with him. They were all looking around, amazed. Smiles broke out across their faces as they took in the sight before them and realized that their plan had actually worked. They had done it, he had done it. He could save Dean, but he knew he needed to wait. He couldn’t just abandon everyone here, not like this. Some had been gone for far too long and so much had changed, most of which was only in the past few years. Now that they had time, he needed to finish explaining everything. The angels needed to know just how bad heaven had gotten, how needed they were, he also needed to fill them in on why that was and all the things that had happened since. He knew that once they got to heaven, they could probably fill in these angels, but it didn’t feel right just leaving them like that and unaware of everything. He needed to be there, to do things right for once. He owed them at least this much after everything.</p><p>Crowley and Meg didn’t stick around any longer than was necessary. They listened to what Cas had to say and then left with a quick goodbye, not wanting to be around a group of angels this large any longer than they needed to.</p><p>The second Castiel was alone, however, he pulled out his phone, thankful to see that it was right where he had left it. He unlocked the screen, gazing down at it, wanting to call Dean. He just wanted to hear his voice, to make sure that he was okay, but then he felt a presence appear behind him.</p><p>He turned around, sighing tiredly, “I’ll be there in a minute, Balthazar, okay?”</p><p>But then he froze as his eyes reached who was really standing before him. </p><p>“Jack,” he breathed out.</p><p>“C-Cas… is that, is that really you?”</p><p>Jack looked like he was close to tears, and now Cas felt guilty. He didn’t just leave Dean behind, but he left Sam and Jack too. </p><p>“Yes, it’s really me, Jack.” </p><p>He took a few slow steps towards Jack, holding his gaze.</p><p>“I-I’m sorry that I left, I didn’t think-”</p><p>“I thought you were dead, Dean told us that you were gone, that you sacrificed yourself.”</p><p>Anything that Castiel was going to say was cut short before he could even get it out as Jack came rushing at him, enveloping him in a hug. It was so tight. It felt as if Jack was worried that if he let go, that Cas would just disappear and in that moment, he knew how much pain he must’ve caused Jack. He was the closest thing he had to a real father, and he just left him. Sure he had Sam and Dean, but he knew that it wasn’t the same. He and Jack had a bond that was different than what he had with Sam or Dean. He understood Jack in ways they could not, he knew what it was like to be an angel and the things that came with that. Sam and Dean couldn’t understand what it was like to have that kind of power, they also weren’t always the best at using their words so Cas had to try his best to explain this to Jack and why sometimes, Dean especially, got so angry about something Jack didn’t understand.</p><p>His thoughts were interrupted, however, when he realized something.</p><p>“Jack, how did you find me? How did you even know I was back?”</p><p>“I didn’t. I- felt something, a change of sorts, within the Earth. Like a surge of angelic energy. I needed to come investigate, to find out what was happening.”</p><p>Cas took a step back then, finally noticing something different about Jack. He was radiating power, he could feel it even a few steps away. This was definitely not normal, he was getting a bit concerned. What had happened while he was gone?</p><p>“But-but why did you have to investigate? It’s not your responsibility.”</p><p>Cas studied Jack, his eyes filled with confusion.</p><p>“Actually, it is now,” he mumbled as he looked away from Cas nervously.</p><p>“Jack… what’s going on, what are you talking about? Is something wrong?”</p><p>“Nothing’s wrong, Cas,” he insisted, his eyes returning to Cas’. “There was just a lot that you missed while you were gone. For starters, Lucifer came back-“</p><p>“Lucifer? He’s back? Where is he?”</p><p>Cas was certainly panicking now, worried about the safety of them both and of the Winchesters. Nothing good ever happened when he was around.</p><p>“It’s okay, he’s not here anymore. Michael killed him and then, well, Chuck killed Michael…”</p><p>“Wait, Chuck <em>killed</em> Michael?”</p><p>Cas’ head was spinning now. <em>What the hell had happened while he was gone?</em> This was too much, but still, Jack hadn’t told him why he was so different. His concern was growing more and more out of control by the second.</p><p>Jack tried to reassure Cas, but he ended up just going into a very long, detailed story about all that had happened. Which did, thankfully, clear many things up. </p><p>He told him about what happened while him and Dean had gone to confront Billie, he told him what happened when Dean came back alone, and how he struggled to say anything about it. He told him about how everyone disappeared and how Jack tried to pray to Cas because he was so confused and how Chuck wouldn’t put everything back, even if Sam and Dean sacrificed themselves. How he thought his new “story” was more entertaining. He told him about when Dean found a dog and how they came to find Michael in a church and how Lucifer tricked Dean with a phone call once Chuck brought him back and how Lucifer tried to stab the rest of them in the back before Michael killed him.</p><p>He continued on to tell him about their whole secret plan that they created once they realized something was wrong with Jack, how he was sucking the power out of everything and how they kept this plan a secret, even from Michael, who in the end tried to betray them, but it didn’t work. Jack told Cas about how they finally beat Chuck. And he told him how he took Chuck’s power, and how he now had it all, leaving Chuck alone and powerless, and how he left Sam and Dean, his family, to do the job right this time, to do it the way it should have been done in the first place, something that his dad’s had taught him.</p><p>Castiel had a hard time processing all this information. He felt guilt, sadness, anger, and confusion, but he also felt proud. He was so proud of them all and so happy that they managed to free the world from the clutches of Chuck. He was so happy that they were free, but he was still confused, if Dean was finally free, then why was he still so broken? There were moments where he would have sacrificed everything just for his freedom, just to be free from Chuck, so now that he was free, why was he still in such a great amount of pain? </p><p>Cas didn’t think he could answer that, but even now he could still feel the pain and the suffering that was burning inside of Dean and he couldn’t stop it, he couldn’t help him. Not yet. He still had a job to do here, at first it was just with the angels, but now he also had a job to do as a dad, because even though Jack was now the new God, he was still only a child and he was still Castiel’s responsibility, he still needed to take care of him and make sure he was okay.</p><p>“Jack, I am so very proud of you, but you just left Sam and Dean after that? Have you checked in on them since you left? Do you know about all the pain that Dean is going through right now, and Sam I would assume as well if he had to watch Dean go through this...”</p><p>Jack looked away again, guilt flashing across his face, he knew Cas was right, he had to make it up to Sam and Dean somehow. He had just abandoned them there, even if he had told them he was never really gone, it still wouldn’t be the same for them. They lost half of their family in those past few weeks, first Cas and then him. He knew that he would need to try and make it up to them, one way or another, but he also knew that he couldn’t do it alone. He needed help. He needed Cas’ help.</p><p>“I know. Sam prayed to me. He prays to me a lot, actually. I think he just needs to talk sometimes, I think it calms him. It’s been a few days since he last prayed though.”</p><p>“Jack.”</p><p>“Cas, I’m sorry, I know that it’s not what you want, but I thought it would be the best thing for everybody. I thought- I still think that it’s best if I’m not involved with things.”</p><p>“You may be right, but they are your family, Jack. <em>We</em> are your family. And why are you here then, if you don’t want to get involved?”</p><p>Jack sighed, “There’s still a few things that I need to take care of before I can really remove myself. I’m glad you’re back, Cas. I really am, I wanted to get you out, I swear I was trying but I wasn’t able to yet, I- I didn’t know how…”</p><p>“It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for that, it’s not your fault and it wasn’t your job to do that.”</p><p>“But-”</p><p> </p><p>“Jack, no. I’m here now, that’s all that matters.” Cas tried to offer him a reassuring smile. He didn’t want Jack to feel bad about this. Him dying, him not coming back sooner, it wasn’t Jack’s fault. Cas had made his own choices, his own decisions that led him to that point. It was no one's fault but his own.</p><p>Cas reached out a hand to Jack’s shoulder, catching his gaze, “I’m here now. It’s okay.”</p><p>Jack tried to offer Cas a smile, one that felt a bit forced because even though Cas may have been right, he still felt guilty. Cas would have never made the deal that led him to death if it hadn’t been for Jack and when the time came for the Empty to collect on that deal, Jack had just left. He didn’t consider how it would feel, not entirely, to his family, to Sam and Dean. But now he needed to make it right, he needed to fix things.</p><p> “Do you think you could help me with something then, since you’re here?”</p><p>Castiel nods his head.</p><p>“Of course, I’ll always be here to help you when you need me.”</p><p>“Okay I uh, I had an idea... about heaven. We can talk more about it when we all get back and get everyone settled and caught up on what’s going on. We should tell the others that it’s time for them to come home.”</p><p>Cas went to turn away back to his brothers and sisters when Jack spoke up once more.</p><p>“Oh, and before I forget…”</p><p>Jack snapped his fingers, and Cas felt this surge of energy course throughout his being, and then he felt whole again. He felt complete.</p><p>“Jack, what did you just-”</p><p>“Your wings, Cas. Let’s call it one last gift, to you and all the others. You all deserve to be free as well, to be able to fly, the way you were meant to.” Jack was beaming at Cas as he spoke.</p><p>Cas was speechless. He hadn’t even imagined that one day he’d be able to… that one day he’d be able to fly again. Oh, how he missed it, feeling the wind rush past his feathers and the rest of his being, the true freedom that he had felt, the weightlessness. He hadn’t really appreciated it though until it was gone, until he had no chance of feeling that again.</p><p>Cas was overcome with emotion then; he could feel the tears pooling in his eyes and his heart was pounding in his chest. This was something far more than he deserved, how could he even begin to repay Jack for this?</p><p>“This is the least I could do for you after all that you gave me. You never gave up on me, Cas. Even when the world was screaming at you to do just that, you never did. You always believed in me and I’m so grateful that you did.”</p><p>“Jack, I-”</p><p>Jack cut him off before he could get the words out. </p><p>“Let’s go get the other’s now, alright?” </p><p>Just like that, Jack started to walk over to the other angels, Cas following not too far behind. Jack was meeting most of them for the very first time, maybe some were a bit skeptical at first, him being Lucifer’s son and all, but it was hard for them not to like him or be intrigued by his presence. He had no trace of his father in him, his biological father at least. His adoptive father, well, that was an entirely different story. Maybe that’s what some of them saw or maybe it was the gift he had given them or the power that they could feel that he held, but either way, they listened to him, they wanted to listen to him. </p><p>Over in the corner of it all, Castiel saw Balthazar looking at him with a proud, knowing smile as he watched the commotion and the hoard of angels start to gather around Jack and Castiel.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I wasn’t too sure about how to get that breakout done but I wanted it in a way that we got back some of my old favourites so there we go.<br/>I actually did a bit of research for this chapter. I hope it was worth it! All the angels that I mentioned by name were actually in the show, I had to go search for a few of them though because I wanted to be able to mention some by name. I really enjoyed it actually and yes I’m sorry Gabriel and Crowley and a few others were only briefly mentioned. Oops. But don’t worry! There will be time for that and I’m very much looking forward to it!</p><p>As always thank you for the kudos and the comments! I love hearing from you guys!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. One Problem at a Time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everyone! I'm posting a bit earlier than I thought I would. I was worried I would be late this week since I got busy with the next chapter before finishing this one... oops. I'm just very excited about it, but first, let's get some shit done!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jack felt bad after Cas came back, after what he said about him abandoning his family, especially at a time when they needed him most. He left them when they were so vulnerable and broken; when they had already lost a huge piece of their family and then he just walked away. </p>
<p>Jack didn’t know what exactly to do, but he knew he had to do something and do it right away. So much time had already passed since he’d left them. It had been a few weeks and not a word or sign or anything from him.</p>
<p>He had been so busy. At first, he had wanted to focus on heaven, to try and help there. Heaven needed him the most at the moment. It was dying and he needed to fix it. He knew that his presence in heaven was helping a lot, it was keeping things up and running, but he couldn’t stay there forever, so he needed to come up with a solution, and to him, there was really only one. They needed more angels. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, he knew it would take so much time and energy to do it right, to do it well. It couldn’t be like the last time when he tried angelically converting those human souls while he was being manipulated by Duma. It wasn’t a good way, it was wrong. Not all humans survived the process and it wasn’t fair to them to do this. No, he needed to start from scratch, just like Chuck had done in the beginning.</p>
<p>With Chuck’s power, came some knowledge, but he didn’t know exactly how he had done it. None of the other angel’s knew, because it was before their time, they hadn’t witnessed it and Chuck had never told any of them. He had very few options and even then, almost zero of them were promising, but he knew one person, one option could work out. He knew there was at least one person who knew for sure how it had been done. Chuck. It wasn’t a great option, probably the worst one, but at least here there was a reasonable chance. What better way to get answers than from the previous all-knowing God himself? Plus, Chuck was pretty harmless now. He was broken and powerless and Jack was sure that he could easily manipulate him since he really had nothing left. It could be easy to give him something in return for his help or he could maybe even force him to tell him if the need arose.</p>
<p>No matter the way, he needed to know, he needed to save heaven. He could let it die, he couldn’t let all the billions of souls there be forced out and thrown back down to Earth where they would roam for eternity, never finding peace.</p>
<p>It didn’t take him long to find Chuck, it was relatively easy, especially considering he hadn’t even tried to ward himself, but even if he had, Jack was now God. it wouldn’t have made much of a difference.</p>
<p>When Jack found him, he was certainly not doing well. He was living on the streets, somewhere in Delaware, a bottle in hand, drinking the rest of his life away.</p>
<p>It was dark, rain drizzling from up above. There was no one else around, it was quiet apart from the sound of the rain hitting the ground or the occasional sound of a car driving nearby or a dog barking in the distance. Jack couldn’t help but pity the sight he saw before him now. Chuck was crouched down on the ground, pulling at his thin jacket to try and find some warmth. He was leaning against a dumpster and a brick wall, trying to get cover from the rain. He jumped slightly when he noticed a presence. He didn’t lift his eyes at first, trying to ignore this stranger that had appeared, but when Jack didn’t move after a few minutes, he turned his gaze upwards, meeting Jack’s eye. It took a moment for him to register the familiar face, but when he did, his facial expression changed and he looked away swiftly, clearly not wanting to talk to him.</p>
<p>“Hello, Chuck,” Jack spoke, his voice remaining neutral.</p>
<p>“What the hell do you want, “ he sneered, clearly annoyed as he took another drink from the bottle in his hands.</p>
<p>“I need your help.”</p>
<p>Chuck scoffed, “why would you ever think I would want to help you?”</p>
<p>“Well, maybe not want, but I think with the right offer, we could come to an agreement.”</p>
<p>Chuck just shook his head but didn’t say anything.</p>
<p>“You’re human now, Chuck, something you’ve never had to consider before, and it’s hard, being human. There are so many things that they need to survive, to live. I could assist you if you help me. Make this new human life a bit easier for you. I could find you a home, maybe something for you to do or a way to earn money. Judging by your life now, you clearly could use all the help you could get.”</p>
<p>“Really, and how do you know I didn’t choose this? That I’m not perfectly fine like this?”</p>
<p>“Well, you might be, but normally, humans enjoy having a proper place to sleep that isn’t five feet away from a puddle of pee and a dumpster full of rotting garbage.”</p>
<p>Jack had a good point there and he knew Chuck knew it.</p>
<p>“Okay, I’m not saying that I need your help, but if I were to... require something, what would you need me for? You’re the new “all-powerful” God now. What could you possibly need me to do for you?”</p>
<p>“It’s not really something I need you to do… more like information. It’s about heaven.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I see,” Chuck smirked. “It’s about the rapidly declining angel problem, huh? What makes you think that I’d care about any of that? Go bother someone else.”</p>
<p>“Well, even if you don’t want my help, you are human now, meaning that you will die one day. One would probably assume that your soul would be going to hell when that happens, but if not, and heaven falls, then your soul will just be left wondering the Earth for all eternity. You would never find peace.”</p>
<p>Chuck's interest seemed to be sparked by this, so Jack continued.</p>
<p>“Maybe, hell could be taken off the table. The eternal suffering never becoming an option. Being God does have its perks, after all. Maybe your soul could be sent somewhere else, somewhere better, but if heaven falls... then there’s really no point, is there? So, if you don’t help me create more angels, then, either way, you will never be at rest. Do you really want that? To spend eternity in pain?”</p>
<p>Jack paused, letting Chuck consider his options now before he replied to Jack’s offer.</p>
<p>“Fine. But I want a better life than this, a place to live, proper food, maybe some money too.”</p>
<p>Jack nodded his head.</p>
<p>“Sure, we wouldn’t want you to die early from some disease here or from being malnourished.”</p>
<p>They came to an agreement, binding it with a spell so neither would be able to go back on their word. Sure, Jack probably could have broken it without penalty because of his power, but he didn’t really want to risk it and try, he also didn’t see any reason why he should go back on his word.</p>
<p>Chuck helped Jack, told him what to do, how long the process would take. </p>
<p>Jack knew that in any other circumstance he wouldn’t be able to trust Chuck, but because of the spell, Chuck couldn’t betray him.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>The process had been long and extremely taxing on Jack. The first one was the hardest. He needed to get it just right, he couldn’t make a mistake, this was too important. He went over everything Chuck had taught him dozens of times before he even thought about actually attempting it.</p>
<p>Finally, when he was ready, he did it. It wasn’t quick though. It required him to build the angel, their grace, piece by piece. It was meticulous work. </p>
<p>When his first creation stood before him, he smiled, so proud of himself. He did it. It took a few minutes for the new angel to become conscious, he was a bit worried at first, but then he reminded himself that Chuck told him it was normal.</p>
<p>He waited patiently until he saw the slow movements of the angel. Their true form, the light of it floating around in front of his eyes. It was breathtaking. This first angel, they glowed, it was so bright. He watched as the new angel familiarized themself with this form, until all at once they merged into a new form, one looking more human, like a vessel. It blinked at him, it’s brows furrowed.</p>
<p>Jack smiled warmly at the angel.</p>
<p>“Hello, Jasmin,” he welcomed, “I’m Jack.”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>He had to take breaks between each angel, feeling the power draining from him each time. The process had taken over a month, and that didn’t even include what Chuck had taught him before all of this. Once he was done, however, he returned to Chuck, wanting to check-in, and hoping he could maybe get one last thing from him in return.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>“One more thing. I need to know how to get to the empty and bring someone back.”</p>
<p>“Why? Trying to bring back dear old dad?”</p>
<p>He chuckled for a moment.</p>
<p>“That wasn’t part of the deal. I’m sure Amara could help you. How’s she doing by the way? Has she spoken to you yet?”</p>
<p>“No. She’s been silent. Tucked herself far away.”</p>
<p>“Ahh oops. Probably my fault.” Chuck grinned at him, raising his hands in the air in fake innocence. </p>
<p>“What did you do to her,” Jack demanded to know.</p>
<p>“Oh, nothing. Nothing you can fix anyway…”</p>
<p>“There’s no point in fighting it, the deal’s been made. You can’t force me to help you again. With either.”</p>
<p>With that, Cas disappeared, returning to heaven, to try and figure out a way to save Castiel knowing that nothing could be done about Chuck at the moment.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Jack was dreading the moment where he would finally have to tell Cas about the deal he made. He knew he wouldn’t be happy about it, simply because it was with Chuck, and anything to do with Chuck seemed to be a bad idea. Cas hadn’t exactly asked him how he had done it at first, too in awe by it all. He wanted to get to know as many angels as he could, to get to know his son's creations. He also wanted to try and help any of the angels he had brought back with him to make this adjustment as smooth as possible.</p>
<p>This seemed to work in Jack’s favour and it gave him time to think about what he would say to Cas. He decided to take a bit of time to himself, to do that. He also needed to think about further plans for heaven, knowing that there were still changes he needed to make.</p>
<p>He needed to think about what exactly he was going to do, what exactly he needed Cas’ help with. He knew the way heaven was run was a problem and the way it had been set up, in the beginning, was one as well. He wanted to create a heaven that would be worthy of his family, that they could truly be at peace in when the time came. He knew that he would need Castiel’s help with this, his input. He knew the Winchester’s better than Jack did and that knowledge would be of great help.</p>
<p>He still wasn’t exactly sure what he would say when Cas asked about the angels, but he couldn’t lie. He would just have to tell him the long, hard truth.</p>
<p>He was about to go back and find Cas when a familiar murmur dug its way into his mind. <em>Sam.</em> He was praying to him again. It was different though, he sounded different than normal, he <em>felt</em> different. Jack wasn’t quite sure why, so he just stood there, listening to Sam, hearing every word of his prayer.</p>
<p>The longer he listened, the more he knew that Cas was right about him leaving. That he shouldn’t have left, or at least not yet, and not like that. He abandoned his only real family and they were suffering. Sam and Dean both. Jack heard everything Sam said, some things he knew already, but others were quite shocking to him. He had no idea that Cas had felt that way about Dean, or even Dean about Cas. He wasn’t sure what to do with this information, should he say something to Cas? Maybe not… It probably wouldn’t be best to meddle, they would need to figure it out on their own.</p>
<p>He wanted to go to Sam, to tell him that Cas was back, that it would be okay, that they shouldn’t give up hope, but he didn’t, he <em>couldn’t.</em> Cas didn’t want to go back yet, he knew that. Cas had wanted to wait until the situation in heaven was figured out. He didn’t want to have to see the Winchester’s, only to leave so soon afterwards, to be gone in heaven for days, maybe even weeks. Jack could also sense that Cas was nervous about something, he couldn’t quite figure it out before, but now he knew why. It was about how he left Dean, about what he had said to Dean before the Empty took him away. He must’ve been nervous about seeing him after that, probably thinking he would never see him again after that kind of confession. He probably thought that Dean didn’t reciprocate, didn’t love him in the same way, but oh was he so very wrong.</p>
<p>Everything seemed to fall into place now as Jack kept thinking about it. The fights they had that seemed to explode, the way that Cas wouldn’t just stop caring about Dean even when that happened, how he always came back. Cas was always so understanding with Dean, always putting him before himself, even when he shouldn’t have. That’s what he did until he died. Cas died not knowing how Dean felt, he died before Dean had the chance to say anything. All those years that they had known one another, they kept it quiet, neither one saying how they truly felt, always dancing around it.</p>
<p>Jack knew he couldn’t fix that, but he could try and give Sam and Dean just a little piece of hope, some sign that he had been listening, that he still cared. So, he focused for a moment, remembering that dog that Dean had found at the gas station. It was a miracle really, finding that dog that Chuck missed. He hoped they would understand the message that he was trying to convey to them, but if not, then at least it could offer them some form of comfort. </p>
<p>Jack snapped his fingers, feeling the power of his being swell up and focus onto this one thing. This one action. He focused his mind on that dog, that specific dog that Dean had found and sent it to where Sam was outside the bunker.</p>
<p>Once it was done, he headed back to heaven and searched for Cas, they had work to do. He caught sight of him after a bit of searching. He was conversing with some of the new angels, Dara and Jasmin, probably trying to get to know them a bit better. It was interesting to watch. Cas looked so fascinated, probably by the fact that they were among the first two of Jack’s creations.</p>
<p>As he walked closer to them in the brightly lit halls of heaven, Cas noticed him over the shoulder of Dara, smiling softly at him, pride shining in his eyes. Jack began to smile back at him as he heard another murmur. A voice he hadn’t heard in months, it was soft and quiet, but he could hear it clearly. <em>Thank you, Jack.</em>. It was Dean. The smile on his face faltered when he heard him. There was something so broken and raw to that little prayer, but Jack also felt something else. He felt a warmth inside it, very deep down, but it was there.</p>
<p>Jack must have stopped walking because now Cas was approaching him, his eyebrows furrowed as he placed a hand on Jack’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“Is everything alright?”</p>
<p>Jack looked back at him, the smile coming back to his face.</p>
<p>“Everything is fine. More than fine, I think.”</p>
<p>Cas looked at him skeptically but didn’t question him any further. He slipped his hand off Jack’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“I met some of the other angels while you were gone. You did a good job, Jack. They were wonderful.”</p>
<p>“I was just doing what needed to be done, to save heaven.”</p>
<p>“I know, but uh, I can’t help but wonder… How did you manage to do all this? To do this all by yourself? Where did you even know where to start?”</p>
<p>“Well...um, I didn’t exactly do it all by myself,” Jack’s gaze shifted down to the ground, too nervous to look Cas in the eye. “I had some help…”</p>
<p>“Help? From who?”</p>
<p>“You have to promise not to be mad, alright? Just let me explain first. Let me explain it all.”</p>
<p>Cas looked wearily at him but agreed nonetheless.</p>
<p>Jack brought them somewhere more private, not wanting to be overheard by the others, and then he explained everything. He didn’t leave out a single detail. Cas stayed eerily silent throughout the story, watching Jack the whole time. It made Jack even more nervous, having Cas not saying a word like that.</p>
<p>When Jack was done, it was quiet for a few minutes. You could have heard the sound of a pin drop, but then the silence was broken.</p>
<p>“So, you’re done now, right?”</p>
<p>Jack only nodded, watching as Castiel took a deep breath, trying to contain himself.</p>
<p>“You know, I could yell at you right now for being so stupid, but what help would that be… You’ve only done the one thing we all taught you back on Earth. You only did the thing we all did countless times. You were faced with an impossible task and you tried your best to find answers, probably not even the worst thing we’ve all done.”</p>
<p>“So...You’re not mad?”</p>
<p>“Oh no, I’m mad. At least a little bit mad because that plan you had, it could have gone wrong in so many different ways, at so many times. Even now, something could go wrong that we haven’t even thought about. You went to Chuck for help, of all people. But- But being angry, it’s not something that will help. Everything has already happened, it’s done. We can only hope that things turn out alright in the long run.”</p>
<p>Cas paused for a second, trying to collect his thoughts and calm down a little bit.</p>
<p>“I know Chuck probably seems harmless now, but it wouldn’t be wise to underestimate him and I guess I’m just a bit disappointed that you didn’t learn from our past mistakes.”</p>
<p>“But were they really mistakes, Cas? I mean sure, things got bad, really bad sometimes because of our decisions, but in the end, we figured it out. We always figured it out, we found a way. I know it was never perfect, but sometimes… it just seemed to work out. Some of the things that happened, the experiences we had, the people we met or saved because of it, I think could have made it worth it.”</p>
<p>Cas sighed, he knew Jack was at least partly right. Some good things did come out of the bad, some things he wouldn’t trade for the world, but he was still worried. Chuck had been such a big enemy and problem for so long and something just felt off about it all. He hoped that maybe it was just nerves, that maybe it was just about helping Jack with his plan for heaven, trying to make everything perfect or maybe it was just about Dean. He couldn’t be certain though, things never seemed to be this easy for them, never.</p>
<p>As he and Jack spent more time together, planning extensively, and then finally starting with the rebuilding or “remodelling” as some had liked to call it, his feelings about the situation seemed to ease, but not disappear completely.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading everyone! The next chapter is gonna be a bit longer than all the others and I'm almost done so that chapter should be up on time. Hope everyone has a great week!</p>
<p>Thanks for any kudos or comments!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. You Never Deserved What He Put on You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everyone! Sorry I’m a little later than I wanted to be with this chapter BUT I’m hoping my lateness paid off here because I wanted to get this just right. It’s not perfect, but I’m happy with this.</p>
<p>On another note, midterms are starting up for me this week so I won’t be posting this weekend and my next update will be on Valentine’s day weekend (and instead of chocolate you all get a very therapeutic chapter). I wanna say that this will be the only 2 week gap, but if it’s not then I’m sorry but it would only be like 4 updates max at a rate like this before I resume my weekly updates. Uni is kicking my ass right now and I need to stop falling behind because of my writing. Oops.</p>
<p>Now let’s just move onto the chapter, I hope you enjoy it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things had been going well so far with heaven. They had made a great deal of progress. They had built most of the “new” heaven, needing to start with that first, before they even thought of moving all the billions of souls to it. Slowly, they had alerted a few residents of what was to come, Mary Winchester being one of them. Castiel hadn’t been to see her yet, only Jack had once or twice before. With Mary though, that also meant John. They had been sharing a heaven together since she died.</p>
<p>Things had been good for them then, not perfect, because is anything ever really perfect? They were both happy though. They had so much to catch up on, so much time that was lost between them.</p>
<p>They were in their own little bubble until Jack had disturbed them. It was almost as if Mary had woken up from a dream when that happened, remembering her life, her whole life, not just the good parts, but the bad parts too. She had almost forgotten them while being here. It was a bit confusing at first, but she managed. She was doing quite well with it all and that’s what Jack told Cas when he asked about her. </p>
<p>He and Jack had been trying to work out a few more things with the residents. Details, about who would go where and which people would be near them. They could obviously change where they went, but they decided it was best to have those who were close on earth and alive during the same time near one another. It would be nice for them and be a comfort to them with all these changes that were now happening.</p>
<p>Cas was worried though. He knew John was in heaven, he knew how Dean would feel about this when he came here. He knew Jack might not understand it all, he probably wouldn’t, after all, Dean had never really talked to him about it and neither had Sam. He didn’t know much about John other than he was their father and that he wasn’t necessarily the greatest dad ever.</p>
<p>Cas knew it wasn’t his place to tell Jack the details, but he couldn’t let him keep John here, not when he knew what he knew.</p>
<p>“But it’s his father and Mary would-”</p>
<p>“Jack. You wanted my help to build a heaven that they could be at peace in, so I’m telling you this. If John Winchester is here, then this will never be heaven for Dean or even for Sam.”</p>
<p>“How do you know that though?” Jack questioned. </p>
<p>“I just- Look. I know Dean never really told you about his father or their relationship, but you need to trust me when I say that when he finally told me about it, the first and probably the last time that he would ever speak about it in that way, I knew then that Dean could never be at peace when his father was in his life. So please don’t do this to him.” </p>
<p>Jack still didn’t look fully convinced, still quite curious and skeptical about this, but then Cas gave him a pleading look.</p>
<p>“Please, Jack,” he whispered out. His eyes were filled with concern and love. Jack faltered for a moment. He knew that Cas wouldn’t ask this if it wasn’t important and for a good reason. He needed to trust him.</p>
<p>“Okay, Cas…”</p>
<p>Jack dropped it, still looking a bit confused, but this wasn’t something that he was willing to fight Cas on. </p>
<p>“I was thinking of going to visit Mary for a bit, there was something I wanted to speak with her about.”</p>
<p>“Sounds like a good idea. I’m sure she’d be happy to see you too. I’ll drop by later to see her. Maybe let me talk to her about John, okay?”</p>
<p>Jack offered Cas a small nod as he left. Once Cas was alone, his mind couldn’t help but wander to the night he spent with Dean, the night he told him everything.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Cas had been walking down the hallway of the bunker one night, it was late and everyone else had gone to bed already, so he was trying to find something to do.</p>
<p>He was walking past Dean’s door when he heard a noise. He halted his steps, pausing near the door, just listening for a moment to make sure nothing was wrong. Then he heard the noise again, it was a whimper of sorts. He thought Dean must have been having a nightmare.</p>
<p>Hesitantly, Cas placed his hand around the doorknob, he wanted to knock, but he didn’t want to wake Dean if he was still sleeping. Slowly the door creaked open, spilling a sliver of light from the hallway into the dark room. He opened it just enough for him to slip through the doorway and into the room so the light wouldn’t quite hit Dean. He heard a quiet sniffle as he slowly shut the door willing it not to creak as he did so. Thankfully, it went smoothly without a sound, seemingly listening to his prayer. With a sigh of relief, Cas shuffled closer to Dean’s bed, heading over to the right side, trying to keep his feet light on the floor.</p>
<p>He stood there for a few seconds, outstretching his hand in the air, hovering above the hunter. He held his breath, unsure of if he should disturb Dean or not. Without over-analyzing the situation, he lowered his hand to the hunter’s shoulder, feeling him jump beneath his touch. Dean’s face was turned away from Cas, but he could see as his hands flew to his face, rubbing it furiously as he rolled his body around to face the intruder. It took him a moment before recognition hit him and his expression calmed once he noticed it was only Cas. Dean pushed his way up into a sitting position with his knees bent and his feet planted firmly on the mattress.</p>
<p>“Sorry, Dean, I didn’t mean to wake you. I just… I heard a noise, I thought you might be having a nightmare.”</p>
<p>It was hard to see Dean’s face in the dark room, especially since he had just walked in from a brightly lit hallway.</p>
<p>“‘s alright, wasn’t sleeping,” Dean replied hoarsely, turning to the other side to switch on the lamp residing on his bedside table.</p>
<p>“Is everything alright?” he questioned, wearily glancing at Dean’s face.</p>
<p>Now that the lamp was on, Cas was able to see Dean’s features more clearly. He noticed his eyes were a bit puffy and shiny, and his lip was trembling.</p>
<p>“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”</p>
<p>Dean tried to laugh it off a little, but it just came out sounding broken. </p>
<p>Cas sat down on the edge of Dean’s bed then, his body turned so he could face Dean.</p>
<p>“Because you don’t look alright,” he replied, not wanting to let this go.</p>
<p>“‘m fine, Cas. Don’t worry about it,” he muttered, avoiding Cas’ gaze by looking down at his hands which were now fiddling with the edge of his blanket.</p>
<p>Cas placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder turning his body towards him, not letting Dean slip away so easily. He studied the other man’s face more closely, a softer look appearing on his own face as he watched him.</p>
<p>“Dean, what's going on? I know something’s bothering you. I just want to help.”</p>
<p>Dean let out a heavy sigh, dropping his head back against his bed frame, tilting it away from Cas. He ran a hand over it, before leaning down and resting his face into his hands, his arms kept up by the support of his bent legs. He stayed like that for a bit, breathing deeply. Cas was beginning to think that that was the end of their conversation when he heard a whisper.</p>
<p>“Cas, I-I can’t keep doing this.”</p>
<p>Cas paused, a bit surprised at the sound of Dean’s voice.</p>
<p>“Doing what?”</p>
<p>There was a softness to Cas’ voice that wasn’t normally there, but every so often he found himself speaking in that way, often when it happened, it was with Dean.</p>
<p>“I- There’s uh… there’s so much that you don’t know, Cas. About me...about my life… about how I grew up. I just- It’s just all too much sometimes.” He could hear how Dean’s voice broke on the last word as he lifted his head up a bit. It pained him to hear Dean like this. All he wanted was to fix it and make sure he never sounded like this again.</p>
<p>“And is this one of those times where it’s just too much?”</p>
<p>Cas was staring at Dean intently, he didn’t want to miss a single word or expression from the other man. He watched Dean nod his head, just once, a small slow nod. He might have missed it if he hadn’t been watching. </p>
<p>“Dean… you know you can talk to me, right?”</p>
<p>“I know, I just- If I talk about it, then it becomes real, then it becomes something that I have to truly accept.”</p>
<p>“Well, talking about something can also start the process of healing, plus I’ve also been told I’m a good listener.”</p>
<p>He was met with silence again.</p>
<p>“Dean, I’m not here to judge you, I would- I could never do that.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, but you don’t know-”</p>
<p>“I don’t have to know whatever this is about to know that I care about you, Dean, and nothing could ever change that. And either way, am I really one to judge? After all I’ve done, all the mistakes I’ve made in my very long life, how could I possibly judge or think ill of you?”</p>
<p>Dean sighed before speaking.</p>
<p>“Don’t say that man, you say it like you’re a bad person or something, but you’re not. You’ve always just cared too much…”</p>
<p>This time, both of them were silent, both trying to think of what exactly to say next.</p>
<p>“I uh, I’ve never told you about how I grew up. I know that you must have some idea, over the years you probably learned some things, but like I mean what it was actually like.”</p>
<p>“Well, I’m aware that after your mother died, you and Sam spent your childhood jumping from town to town as your father searched for Azazel and that you took on a father-figure role to Sam. Then eventually you both started to hunt as well.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, you’re not wrong, but that’s also not the full story. Lot of details left out...”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” Cas tilted his head, an eyebrow raising as he did so. He didn’t want to push Dean, but he was curious, what more could there be to it? Was this why Dean seemed upset?</p>
<p>“I-I never got a childhood, not a normal one anyway. Sammy and I, we were both still kids, but dad would leave us for weeks at a time. Drop us off in one town in some crappy motel room with some cash and then he’d be gone. We never really knew how long he’d be gone for and it could be days before he checked in. I had to grow up so fast, I had to be there to take care of Sam. It was my job, he was my responsibility.”</p>
<p>“Dean…”</p>
<p>“I had to feed him, take him to school, put him to bed, tell him a story at night. Everything. It was my job. I was his brother, but that wasn’t all. I had to be a mother and a father to him too. I had to be everything to him because he was everything to me, he was all that I had, the only real family that I had left.”</p>
<p>“That should’ve never been put on you, Dean. You didn’t deserve to grow up like that.”</p>
<p>“But I did, Cas, and there’s no changing it.”</p>
<p>“You wanna know something else?” Dean asked. “The worst part of it all… it wasn’t even that he was gone. The worst part was when dad was there, when he was there with us. Either the hunt was there in the town we were in or there was nothing. There was nothing for him to do.”</p>
<p>“He spent a lot of the time drinking and he wasn’t the fun kind of drunk. He got so angry, he got mean. Any little thing could set him off. I mean, that was already pretty normal, he’d always get mad so easily, so when he was drunk… it was just so much worse.” Dean paused, closing his eyes as if remembering a particularly painful memory that he had been trying to forget.</p>
<p>“I was always walking on eggshells around him, always so worried that I’d say or do the wrong thing. I always had to watch everything I did. Sometimes one thing would set him off and another time it wouldn’t. It was exhausting, I couldn’t monitor myself all the time, I was young and I was stupid sometimes. It was hard for me to control my emotions.”</p>
<p>“Sometimes it didn’t even matter if I did something or if I deserved it… sometimes he’d just… he’d take his frustration out on me, just because I was there, just because I was around and I couldn’t- I wouldn’t do anything about it. I’d just let him hurt me, daddy’s blunt little instrument I guess…” he whispered out.</p>
<p>“For years, he’d do that, he’d take it out on me, take everything out on me… Usually, he just used his fists, it was the easiest for him I guess. But sometimes… sometimes it was the cigarettes or a broken bottle. I had so many scars that I had to hide from everyone. I had to lie about them too if someone saw them, I had to lie to Sam, to Bobby... I couldn’t hide them from myself though, I couldn't lie to myself. When I looked in the mirror I could see them, the burns, the scars. I think- I think that’s one thing I was so grateful for when you raised me from hell, when you rebuilt my body. You did it and you left all that behind. You got rid of the constant reminder that I never could escape, even when I was alone, especially when I was alone. You gave me the power to not be reminded of it all every time I looked in the mirror.”</p>
<p>Dean looked Cas in the eyes then, two pairs of glassy orbs meeting, he felt frozen. He had never thought about it too much when he was rebuilding Dean’s body and soul. He never imagined the impact that this would have had on the hunter, it never crossed his mind. Even now, he hadn’t considered it, but he could hear it in Dean’s voice how much he appreciated that one thing, it was written all over his face as well. </p>
<p>“I-I’ve never thanked you for that, Cas, but I should have because I’m so grateful. You can’t know how much that one thing meant to me. The freedom you gave me without even knowing it. It meant everything.”</p>
<p>Cas wasn’t sure what to say to Dean right now. Anything he thought of just didn’t feel right, so he decided not to speak. Instead, he reached out a hand, placing it on Dean’s right knee which was still partially bent. He stroked it gently with his thumb, trying to provide him with a sense of comfort as he did so. He kept his gaze locked on Dean as he did this, offering him a small smile. Dean’s hand started to slide up towards his knee then, towards Cas’ hand, but then he stopped, dropping it back down a little so his hand rested on his thigh. They stayed like that for a moment, both of them frozen until Dean decided to continue.</p>
<p>“Part of the reason why I didn’t fight him was because I knew I probably deserved it for whatever reason, but it wasn’t just that... It was also to protect Sam, better me than Sammy. I couldn’t let him hurt Sam, couldn’t let him do that to him too. Sam was my responsibility to protect. I had to protect him from that, I had to protect him from <em>knowing</em> about that.”</p>
<p>The tears were flowing freely again, “It was so hard. And I couldn’t tell Sam, I still could never tell him. When he was young, it shouldn’t have been something for him to worry about. And then when we got older, the way that the two of them would butt heads… it would have only caused a bigger rift between them. Sam would have gotten angry and then he would have left. I just- I just wanted to have a family, I didn’t want to be alone, but then he left anyways. He left dad, but he also left me and when dad found out… he was so mad, Cas.”</p>
<p>Cas shifted on the bed, bringing his right leg up onto it, keeping his knee bent as he scooted ever so slightly closer to Dean, his leg now brushing against Dean.</p>
<p>“To Sam, those two weeks were some of the best of his life, but to me they were hell. Dad blamed me for it. Sam left on my watch, he left when I went out, when I went out to see someone… a- a friend... Dad just lost it when he found out about why I left… I didn’t even tell him who I saw but- but I think he knew. Then I was alone with him, I was the only one around and he was- he was so upset about it all. I ended up in the hospital that time, usually, it didn’t get that bad or even if I should have gone I didn’t. But that time was bad, one of the worst I think and I just- I wanted to get away from him.”</p>
<p>Dean breathed in a shaky breath and his left hand went to rub against his side. He saw how Dean’s face changed, the tension leaving it, almost looking emotionless. </p>
<p>“Four cracked ribs, a concussion, 20 stitches on my face and then 34 around my body. I was bloodied and bruised. Doctor’s thought I got hit by a car when I walked in.”</p>
<p>Dean’s voice sounded far away, like he was reliving it, like he was stuck inside the memory, so far away from Cas. He needed to bring him back, he didn’t want him reliving that. Cas moved his hand that had still been on Dean’s knee, moved it down so it could grab hold of Dean’s hand. It was tentative at first, but then he held on tight, wrapping Dean’s hand in his own. The touch startled Dean out of his thoughts, his gaze darting down to where their hands were joined. Cas thought he was going to pull away, that maybe he went too far, but then a fond smile came to Dean’s face and he tightened his grip around Cas as well.</p>
<p>“Those two weeks were some of the worst of my life, and I know I can’t blame Sam for thinking they were some of the best for him. He got away from dad and even from me.”</p>
<p>Dean’s eyes stayed focused on their hands as he spoke, almost as if that one touch was keeping him grounded in this moment, keeping him from getting lost in the memories again.</p>
<p>“And I-I know that growing up he didn’t want that life and I was always so scared that he’d leave and go to college and find a new family. That he’d forget about me. He’d have a normal life. I knew that’s what he wanted, just to be normal, but I couldn’t be, and I couldn’t leave the life behind. This- hunting… that’s all I was good for, all I’ve ever been good for. But Sammy… he was different. He was smart, he wanted to get out, to have a real life and go to college, and you know what I did, I fucking dragged him back into this. This life that he never even wanted, all because I couldn’t do it alone, because I was so weak. All I was good for was taking orders and following them. Maybe that’s all dad saw too, just a good little soldier.”</p>
<p>“Dean… you know that’s not true. You’re worth so much more than that.”</p>
<p>“Am I though?”</p>
<p>Dean didn’t give Cas a chance to answer before he was speaking again.</p>
<p>“You know he was possessed once, it took me some time to realize it, but I did. You wanna know why I knew it wasn’t him? Because he never would have been proud of me. He never would have- He would have yelled at me, he would have been furious, all because I wasted a bullet when we were trying to kill that demon. There wouldn’t have been any understanding there or an ‘it’s okay, you boys tried’. Nope, not from him.”</p>
<p>Dean let out a dry chuckle. Cas could see how pained he was.</p>
<p>“You know, maybe he would have been right to be furious, to yell at me, to hit me… Maybe I deserved it. I always messed up, I couldn’t seem to do anything right. Maybe it was just because I was there, because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but I don’t know… A lot of the time it felt as if he was… angry or something with me, disappointed, disgusted at times, even if nothing had happened, even if I hadn’t done anything. I didn’t know why, I didn’t understand why he would do that, why he would hurt me, but I thought I deserved it, I must have. Why would he have done that if I didn’t?”</p>
<p>“Why would you think that you deserved any of that?” Cas questioned, genuinely curious about how John could have hurt him so badly that he thought he deserved to suffer like that.</p>
<p>“Things were different back then, Cas. I was different. There were things I felt, things I shouldn’t have been feeling and I think dad knew. He knew everything… he didn’t have to say anything to me, not directly, but the things he did, I knew how he felt about it, even if he might not have known for sure. I disgusted him. I was damaged to him.”</p>
<p>Dean pulled his hand away from Cas’ then, running it down his face.</p>
<p>“Maybe that’s why he was always gone for so long, why he sent me on that first case with the nuns all by myself… I don’t know, I just knew back then that I had to do what he said. If he said something was evil and needed to be killed, then it had to be done, I had to do it, no questions asked, even if I didn’t want to, even if I didn’t understand why it was so bad.”</p>
<p>Cas felt the loss of Dean’s warm hand, but he didn’t have time to dwell on it, not with what Dean was telling him. What exactly <em>was</em> Dean telling him?</p>
<p>“I could never be myself back then, it was never an option. My whole life I had to pretend that this whole other side of me just didn’t exist, that it still doesn't, and it- I can’t do it anymore, Cas. I can’t keep pretending like this. Every day I look in the mirror and I- I hate what I see.”</p>
<p>Cas could feel his heart breaking inside. He never knew… he didn’t know things had been this bad for Dean, that he felt so broken, so undeserving of anything remotely good, remotely close to being loved.</p>
<p>“Cas I-” He said in a shaky, quiet voice before he was cut off by a sob.</p>
<p>“Hey… it’s okay,” Cas pulled him into a hug then, holding onto the hunter tightly as he felt the sobs wracking his body. </p>
<p>“You never deserved what he put on you, Dean. What he did to you… No father should ever put his child through that, especially not you. There was nothing wrong with you, Dean, there still isn’t.”</p>
<p>“You don’t know that, you can’t know that. You weren’t there. You didn’t see-”</p>
<p>“I didn’t have to be there. We are all so fortunate to have you in our lives. The whole world is lucky for that. You made this world better and saved it in so many ways. Ways that your father could never have dreamed of.”</p>
<p>Dean sniffled then, holding on tighter to Cas.</p>
<p>“You don’t need his approval. You don’t need to try to please him anymore. He isn’t your family. Family cares about you, they support you, they don’t put you down or hurt you for who you are.”</p>
<p>Cas pulled back from Dean then, one hand on his shoulder now. He could feel the tears wetting his cheeks, but he didn’t care if Dean saw them. It wasn't a weakness to show emotion. He looked Dean in the eyes again as he spoke.</p>
<p>“You have a family now, Dean. A real family that loves you for who you are, not for what we think you could do for us or what we want you to do for us. I- We love you. All of us.”</p>
<p>Dean tried to look away from the angel then, but Cas wasn’t having it. The hand that Cas had on Dean’s shoulder slid up to his neck then and then continued, coming to rest on the hunter's cheek. He brought Dean’s face back, catching his gaze again. His thumb brushing away the tears against his cheek as they just sat there like that for a few moments.</p>
<p>“It’s okay to feel like this sometimes, but you need to remember that. You need to remember who your real family is, that we don’t care about your flaws, we care about <em>you</em>.”</p>
<p>“I-I’m not good for you, Cas,” he breathed out. “I’m not good for any of you. I’ll let you down, I’ll let you all down. It’s just what I do, I let down the people I love. Then they get hurt and it’s my fault.”</p>
<p>“We’re stronger than you think we are. It’s not that easy to get rid of us, even if you tried. I promise I’m not going anywhere, Dean.”</p>
<p>“Promise?” he asked, with hopeful eyes.</p>
<p>“I promise,” Cas reassured him. “Now, it’s getting late, you should really get some sleep.”</p>
<p>“I know… I’m just not sure if I can right now…” Dean looked down, Cas let him this time.</p>
<p>“Maybe I- would it help if I stayed for a bit?”</p>
<p>Dean looked up again, a little surprised by Cas’ offer. He hadn’t stayed with Dean like this in a long time. It felt like a lifetime ago when Dean would wake up, startled to see the angel hovering above him, watching as he slept. He found it a bit weird back then, but in a strange way, he also found it calming, reassuring even. He felt safe.</p>
<p>He nodded timidly, feeling vulnerable now. After all that he said, now he felt vulnerable. He was letting Cas in once again, letting him know that he needed him, just how much he really needed him and it was terrifying. </p>
<p>Dean scooted around, tucking himself back under the blankets as he laid down again, this time on his side and facing Cas. He was comfortable. </p>
<p>“I’ll just go sit over there then,” Cas spoke softly, as he was moving to get up. He was completely off the bed when one of Dean’s hands shot out, grabbing the angel's wrist in a tight hold.</p>
<p>“Cas, please. Stay.” Dean whispered out.</p>
<p>A look of understanding washed over Cas’ face as he got what Dean had meant.</p>
<p>“Alright. You’ll have to move over a bit then.”</p>
<p>Dean let go of Cas’ wrist, scooting over even more to the left side of the bed, making room for Cas to sit down fully on the bed now.</p>
<p>Cas hesitantly toed off his shoes, leaving them on the floor and pulled back the covers. He climbed into Dean’s bed, sitting down, with his back resting against the headboard as he brought the covers back over his legs.</p>
<p>He looked down at Dean, who he noticed had been watching him the whole time as he lay there.</p>
<p>“This better?”</p>
<p>“Mhmm, a little.” </p>
<p>Dean gave Cas a shy smile.</p>
<p>“Dean, it’s alright. I’m not going anywhere if you don’t want me to.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” he breathed out. Dean turned over then, reaching out to turn off the lamp, before moving back to his starting position, but he was tucked even closer to Cas now. He could feel the warmth radiating off the other man.</p>
<p>As Dean’s eyes closed, Cas could hear his breathing was still a bit ragged so he slowly and gently placed a hand on Dean’s back, stroking it with his fingers and he felt Dean relax into the touch. His breath began to even as he drifted off, Cas’s hand not leaving him once as Dean slept tucked into his side.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter was originally meant to have some other heaven stuff in it as well, but I accidentally made Dean’s little opening up to Cas scene really long because I just apparently love making characters suffer so that’ll have to be saved for my next update. I think most of my chapters now will be longer than they’ve previously been, so hopefully, y’all can forgive me for the wait.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone still following along! I’ll see you all in 2 weeks for another update!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Please Don't Leave Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everyone!! I hope everyone had a lovely 100 days since Nov. 5 the other day that wasn't filled with sad Destiel videos at all... I for one totally did not spend my day doing that... not at all... Okay, maybe A LITTLE (or a lot but shhh)</p>
<p>But on a more happy note, I hope everyone enjoyed the wedding yesterday. I really would've updated yesterday but somehow I just kept ending up on Twitter and becoming consumed by the wedding which was beautiful by the way and the PIE oh damn that was good.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I've edited most of this chapter fairly well, but I also really wanted to get it posted so I rushed it a bit and I'd apologize for it being a little long but like I have a feeling that nobody's gonna be complaining about that, especially when you get to the end and see what I've done. Anyway... ENJOY (I really did enjoy this chapter)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cas knew that if this was going to go smoothly, then he would have to talk to Mary. He knew her and John had been happily sharing their own heaven together since Mary died. He was assuming she was happy at least, since he hadn’t actually seen her yet, but there was no time like the present and this wasn’t something he could just put off. He had to do this and now, because the sooner he could send John’s ass back to hell, the better. Cas hadn’t seen John in heaven either, in fact, he had never even met the man, he’d only ever seen him in pictures, but he knew that the moment he saw his face, he would be struggling extremely hard not to just punch him square in the jaw and beat the shit out of him for all that he ever did to Dean. The man was a monster, he was a disgrace, he didn’t understand how someone like that could have ever made it into heaven, but he was going to correct that mistake.</p>
<p>He headed to Mary’s heaven hoping that Jack was finished there, he needed to speak with Mary alone. He knocked on the door to the house when he got there, waiting for an answer. The door swung open only a few seconds later. A warm smile greeting him when she saw that it was him.</p>
<p>“Hello, Mary.”</p>
<p>“Hello, Castiel,” she said, pulling him in for a hug. Cas was unusually still at the contact. Mary could feel it, sensing that something was off.</p>
<p>“What’s wrong?” She asked, slightly worried. “Did something happen?”</p>
<p>“No, no, everything is fine, or at least it will be soon,” Cas said as she ushered him into the house.</p>
<p>“Oh, does this have anything to do with why Jack was here...?”</p>
<p>She looked up at Cas innocently.</p>
<p>“Umm maybe… depending on what he said. What did he say?”</p>
<p>“Oh, nothing. Just uh, that you were going to come see me, that it was about Dean I think?”</p>
<p>“Well, yes… I guess it really is about Dean. Seems that’s what it’s always about.”</p>
<p>“Mhmm,” Mary agreed, with a knowing smile.</p>
<p>“And he may have mentioned that you just came back from the dead… again.”</p>
<p>“Yes, that was uh, a bit complicated.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, always is. Why don’t you walk me through it? It’s not like I don’t have the time, right?” She chuckled.</p>
<p>“Right, yes, good point,” Cas replied, fidgeting with the edges of his trench coat sleeves while he thought about where to begin.</p>
<p>“Well, uh, when angels die we go to this other place, not heaven, not hell, not purgatory. It’s called the Empty. Us angels and demons are sent there for an eternal sleep to relive our biggest regrets in life, our worst memories. There’s no escaping the past there.”</p>
<p>Cas shivered at the memories, his greatest failures in life, most seeming to circle around the older Winchester brother, all the times he let him down, he failed him, the rage, the disappointment he saw in his eyes when he looked at him. It haunted him.</p>
<p>He broke himself from the thought, met with Mary’s half-concerned, half-curious gaze.</p>
<p>“Well, I was able to wake up from that, because of Dean. I think he woke me up, unintentionally of course. All I know is that I could hear him calling my name, over and over again. He sounded as if he was in pain, pain that I caused and I- I knew I needed to help him.”</p>
<p>Mary nodded her head, encouraging him to keep going.</p>
<p>“After that, I managed to wake up some of my brothers and sisters, and long-story-short, we managed to work together to torture the ancient cosmic being holding us there, which resulted in our escape back to Earth... back to Dean. Then Jack managed to find us, and escorted us to heaven.”</p>
<p>“That didn’t sound too complicated.”</p>
<p>“I guess in retrospect it wasn’t really.”</p>
<p>“So, uh, <em>Dean</em> woke you up then?” Mary inquired.</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>Cas’ reply was short. He really didn’t want to explain what specifically woke him up, the things he was feeling when he woke up, the things he could feel from Dean.</p>
<p>“And you came back because of him?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Cas replied once again.</p>
<p>“Castiel, are you in love with my son?” </p>
<p>This question took Cas off guard. He thought maybe he had just imagined it.</p>
<p>“W-what?” he stuttered out.</p>
<p>“You heard me.”</p>
<p>“What- I’m not- why would you think that?”</p>
<p>“Castiel, I’m not stupid or blind. I saw the way you were with him when I was alive. I saw how you looked at him, how you looked at him the first time we met when you thought he was dead. I saw how tightly you held onto him. At first, I thought maybe it was nothing, but over time… well, it was not very subtle, so, don’t try denying it.”</p>
<p>“I-”</p>
<p>Mary gave him a stern look.</p>
<p>“Okay fine, maybe I do have feelings for Dean, but that doesn’t matter right now.”</p>
<p>“I knew it!” </p>
<p>“Yes, but Mary, you have to promise me that you won’t tell your husband.”</p>
<p>“Why not?”</p>
<p>“Well, because of his opinions of people like me…”</p>
<p>“What do you mean, ‘people like you’?”</p>
<p>“From what Dean has told me, he is extremely homophobic and quite vocal about it too. Always has been and I don’t think he’d understand that I really don’t have a gender, he’d only see me as my vessel, the way I choose to look here for your sake.” </p>
<p>Cas looks at Mary with pleading eyes.</p>
<p>“Wait- he’s what?”</p>
<p>“You didn’t know…?” Cas furrowed a brow, looking at Mary. “Dean never told you? He was always very strict about those things while Sam and Dean were growing up, apparently, he made a point about it a few times, about how he would never tolerate them being something so repulsive and impure. Scared the hell out of them. I don’t think he would appreciate me falling for his son or approve of me spending time with them because of this.”</p>
<p>“He-” Mary was cut off by the sound of the front door opening.</p>
<p>“Hey, Mary! I’m back!” A deep voice called into the house, a few moments later, the figure that it belonged to came into view with another not far behind.</p>
<p>The second figure spoke then, a note of surprise in his voice. </p>
<p>“Cas? What’re you doing here?” Bobby questioned.</p>
<p>Cas only ignored him, however. All his attention was on John. His eyes narrowed at the sight of him, trying to hold himself back from attacking him, but he kept walking closer and closer until he was right in front of them. </p>
<p>“John Winchester,” Cas growled out.</p>
<p>“Yeah, and who’re y-”</p>
<p>He couldn’t even finish his question as Cas had taken three quick steps forward, punching John right in the face, causing him to fall back on his ass from the force of it.</p>
<p>“What the fuck?” John groaned out from the floor, clutching his face, feeling the blood from his now split cheek leak onto his hand.</p>
<p>The wound wasn’t massive, but the rate of the flow would’ve been quite worrying if he had still been alive and on Earth.</p>
<p>It wasn’t enough to quell his rage though, he went in for a swift kick to John’s ribs, then was about to lean down and pick the man off the floor by his collar when a hand grabbed his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Cas, calm down,” </p>
<p>It was Bobby. Cas hadn’t noticed he was even here until now, but it didn’t matter. Nothing else mattered right now. He just tried shrugging Bobby’s hand off of him.</p>
<p>“Cas,” Bobby warned, placing an arm around the angel to pull him away from John who was still crumpled on the ground in pain.</p>
<p>“Bobby, let go of me.” Cas’ eyes were dark, his voice low with warning, but Bobby wasn’t one to back down.</p>
<p>“Come on, Cas. What the hell’s gotten into you?”</p>
<p>“I-” Cas started to say.</p>
<p>“Who the hell is this?” John yelled out then, interrupting the two of them. He was looking back and forth between the three of them as he held the side of his face in pain. </p>
<p>“Someone who actually gives a shit about our sons, unlike you apparently.”</p>
<p>“What the hell are you talking about?” </p>
<p>“I’m talking about how you raised them, what you did after I was gone. What you said to them, to Dean! Oh, we both know who he is and you-”</p>
<p>John got up from the ground, ready to explain himself.</p>
<p>“Hold on, okay! I never hit Sam, I don’t know what you heard, but I never laid a hand on that boy at least.”</p>
<p>“You didn’t- you mean you <em>hit Dean</em>?”</p>
<p>Mary wasn’t the only one surprised by this revelation it seemed, as Bobby had now fully let go of Cas, his body turning towards John, his eyes narrowing as he did so.</p>
<p>John seemed to realize his mistake, but it was too late now and Mary was furious. If looks could kill, John would’ve disintegrated.</p>
<p>“So, you not only made my children think it was shameful for them to love whoever they wanted, <em>Dean especially,</em> but you also abused him? You broke him, you beat him down, for what? Because you were afraid that he might be happy? That maybe he might love someone who you don’t approve of, someone, who I might add, actually loves him back? And then you abused him? A child.”</p>
<p>Mary was quite terrifying like this, rendering John speechless.</p>
<p>“You know what, I’m done. Get the hell out of my house.”</p>
<p>“Mary, wait-”</p>
<p>“Just shut up, John. You heard her,” Bobby snapped out.</p>
<p>Mary did not need Bobby’s help though as she walked over to John, pushing him towards the door.</p>
<p>John refused to budge very far at first but then she punched him in the face, right where Cas had only minutes earlier, causing John to lose his balance long enough for her to actually push him out the door. Mary was a lot stronger than she looked.</p>
<p>“Don’t you dare come back.”</p>
<p>Mary slammed the door in John’s face, not wanting to hear another word out of him. She stormed back over to where Cas and Bobby were standing, Cas’ eyes wide in shock at her reaction.</p>
<p>“What? You gonna tell me he didn’t deserve that?”</p>
<p>Cas shook his head, “No, I was actually going to say he got off easy for all that he’s done.”</p>
<p>A chuckle escaped both Mary and Bobby at that comment before Cas continued.</p>
<p>“But I think we can fix that… if you’d like to? And I also think there’s still more you should know. That both of you should know.”</p>
<p>“I’m all ears,” Bobby responded, walking over to the armchair a few meters away and sitting down, waiting for Cas and Mary to join him.</p>
<p>Mary followed suit, choosing the sofa adjacent to Bobby and Cas sitting down on the other end of the sofa, turning so he could face both of them.</p>
<p>They both seemed to get on board with Cas’ plan pretty quickly after he explained it and any hint of hesitation over the plan was washed away once Cas had finished explaining what he had planned to tell Mary before John and Bobby showed up.</p>
<p>Cas didn’t have to fill Bobby in very much about their earlier conversation, not after what had happened, plus, Bobby had known John after Mary’s death. He was able to see parts of him, the parts that changed and became more prominent after she was gone. </p>
<p>He also wasn’t sure if he should tell Bobby everything about his feelings and all, talking about that once for today seemed like enough. It really only made him miss Dean even more and feel worse about the whole situation. In addition, Cas had the suspicion that if Mary knew about his feelings, then Bobby probably did as well, or at least, he might have an idea about it. He had, after all, spent more time with them on Earth than Mary had.</p>
<p>Mary was quite disgusted that she had spent all that time in heaven with a man like John. She couldn’t wait to finally be done with him, to protect her sons from a monster like that. If this was one last thing she could do for her boys, then she’d do it gladly.</p>
<p>Mary, Cas and Bobby went to find John after they had finished their talk, wanting to deal with him sooner rather than later. It didn’t take long to find him, he hadn’t gone very far, probably because he didn’t really have anywhere else to go.</p>
<p>He had just been sitting outside on a bench, not doing much of anything. He startled at the sudden noise of Mary’s voice, thinking that she was here to bring him back home, but he couldn't have been more wrong. John became angry once again. He didn’t understand how Mary and Bobby both had turned against him so fast. </p>
<p>“You hurt Dean and you hurt Sam. Dean’s whole life… it was corrupted by your touch, by the things you said, the things you did to him. You will <em>never</em> hurt him again. Not if I have anything to say about it.” Cas’ voice was hard and threatening.</p>
<p>“What’re you, in love with my son or something?” John had only really meant it as a joke, of course, not really believing it, but then Cas looked at him, mouth pulled into a tight thin line and his eyes narrowed at him.</p>
<p>“Actually, I am.”</p>
<p>John stopped laughing then, shutting right up. He clearly was not expecting that answer from the angel. </p>
<p>“Really, Mary?” John spoke, looking at his wife. “You’re gonna take the side of this thing? He’s not even human.”</p>
<p>“He may not actually be human, but he sure is a hell of a lot more human than you. At least he actually gives a damn about our sons, about his family. At least he actually cares. He’s done more for Dean in these past few years than either of us have in his whole life.”</p>
<p>John looked repulsed by this.</p>
<p>“Guess I know now where Dean got it from… why he was so weak, why he always seemed to attract such disgusting, broken people, why he was so easy to break.” </p>
<p>Bobby interjected here. “She’s not the weak one John and neither is Dean. That boy is so much more than you ever were.”</p>
<p>Mary stepped forward then, grabbing his shirt in her left hand and right hooking him. She didn’t stop with just one hit this time though. She kept going and when John tried to fight back Bobby and Castiel stepped in, holding him back and even delivering a few blows of their own.</p>
<p>There John lay, bloodied and bruised on the ground in a heap. His breathing was ragged and he was hardly moving now, but he was still conscious. Mary, Bobby, and Castiel stood above him, towering over him.</p>
<p>“Goodbye, John,” Mary spoke, no trace of sadness in her voice. “It’s time to send you back to where you belong, where you’ve always truly belonged.”</p>
<p>“I’d say see you in hell… but we both know you’re the only one going there,” Bobby smirked at him. This would be the last time that John saw either Bobby or Mary’s faces. </p>
<p>Mary looked at Castiel now, placing a hand on his shoulder.</p>
<p>“I’ll see you when you get back.” She spoke, her voice going soft, and off she and Bobby both went, walking away, leaving Castiel alone with John.</p>
<p>Castiel took a step towards the man, leaning down to pick him up off the ground. John flinched away from him.</p>
<p>“Don’t you fucking touch me,” he spat out at the angel.</p>
<p>Cas just ignored him, grabbing his collar tightly and hauling him up and then in a blink of an eye, they weren’t in heaven anymore.</p>
<p>The journey was exhausting, but Cas knew it was well worth it. Both for sending John to where he truly belonged and the chance for him to see Rowena again. The latter he was a little nervous about though. He just hoped she didn’t notice anything about him that was different like she did last time. She was very observant, nothing seemed to get by her.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>They arrived in one of the dark, stony halls of hell. The dim light created shadows that danced around them and if trying to pull them into the darkness, to hold them there forever. They could hear the screams of the souls there. John must’ve recognized the sounds of it from last time he was here.</p>
<p>Cas pushed John forward, the man almost tripping over his own feet as he went, his eyes flickering around the tall walls that surrounded them.</p>
<p>Slowly they went, they had to go slow as John was limping from the beating he had taken. The only option was to move at a sluggish rate. Eventually, they made their way into a larger open area, one that had several different doors attached to it and another hallway leading into darkness.</p>
<p>Cas paused, looking around to try and determine which way to go, trying to remember from the last time that he was here with Sam and Dean.</p>
<p>He was about to start moving towards one door when suddenly it opened. Emerging from the doorway Cas saw two demons and then a familiar head of flaming red hair.</p>
<p>“Rowena,” he called out to her, grateful that he had found her before some other demon found him and decided to make the journey even harder than it needed to be.</p>
<p>Rowena was more than surprised to see him, but ushered him back into the room from which she came from. Castiel explained why he was there and why he had travelled so far to come to hell once again. Rowena had never met John, but she’d heard the stories. Castiel explained to her that John was not welcome in heaven, not after how he had treated Dean, not after the things he had done on Earth. He still wasn’t sure why John was let into heaven in the first place, maybe it was just some sick joke of Chuck’s, but Rowena was glad to offer her assistance in the matter. She really did care about Sam and Dean both a great deal. They were family to her and she would protect her family fiercely. </p>
<p>Reassuring Castiel that John would certainly be treated be hell’s best, she pulled him away, one hand on his arm.</p>
<p>“I think we’ll have a grand old time, John,” she said with a smirk. “Maybe I could introduce you to my son.” </p>
<p>Rowena let out a small chuckle as she handed John off to another demon. “Take him to Crowley.” </p>
<p>She turned back to Castiel once they had left the room, and gestured for Cas to take a seat, her sitting down as well. They were silent for a moment. Castiel felt a little uncomfortable, he felt like he was being examined. Shifting in his seat, he looked back at Rowena as if daring her to speak her mind. She just raised a brow at him before finally speaking.</p>
<p>“Now, don’t tell me that you two didn’t work things out. I will come back to Earth just knock you both on your arses if I have to.”</p>
<p>Castiel let out a sigh, not sure if it was out of relief or not.</p>
<p>“No, you- you don’t have to do that. Dean and I… we worked things out, in Purgatory actually.”</p>
<p>“Oh? Then why don’t you seem fine? Was coming back from the dead too exhausting this time?”</p>
<p>“How did you-” he cut himself off. “Crowley, I assume…”</p>
<p>“Yes, but either way, do you really think you can come back from the dead and have me not know about it?”</p>
<p>“I guess not…”</p>
<p>“Well, now that that’s out of the way would you stop being so stubborn and tell me what’s the matter,” she spoke, her voice was warm yet commanding at the same time.</p>
<p>“Nothing… I just- Dean and I…” Cas let out a sigh, running a hand down his face. “I guess we probably didn’t leave things in the best way- or I guess I didn’t give an opportunity for things to be left in the best way for us. Before I died.”</p>
<p>“What? Did you two never get the chance to finally tell each other how you feel?” Rowena questioned, a smile on her face.</p>
<p>“Wait… Dean doesn’t- he doesn’t feel that way about me.”</p>
<p>“Oh, would you stop being so foolish? I swear the only people who don’t see it are you two because neither of you thinks you’re good enough for each other.”</p>
<p>Castiel looked down at his hands, letting Rowena’s words sink in. She was right. He never thought he deserved Dean, even now he still wasn’t sure that he did. After everything he had done, after the way he just left Dean. Again. He always just left him, sacrificed himself and he knew Dean hated it, he knew that it hurt him, yet he kept doing it over and over again.</p>
<p>“I know… and I- I'm trying... I even-” Cas looked down again. “I even told him how I feel and nothing… nothing happened.”</p>
<p>“So what? You’re just going to give up?”</p>
<p>“No, I-”</p>
<p>“You know what? I could yell at you till I’m blue in the face but none of that would matter if you had no intentions of fixing things. So… do you intend to make it up to him?”</p>
<p>“Yes, of course, I do.’</p>
<p>“Good. Then go find him and make things right. Now.”</p>
<p>“Okay, okay,” Castiel said, standing up from where he was sitting. “I’m going.”</p>
<p>“I expect you can see yourself out?”</p>
<p>“Yes, I think I remember the way. Goodbye Rowena and thank you. For everything.”</p>
<p>“No need to thank me, that’s just what family’s for, right?”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>After it was all done and Cas had returned to heaven he went to find Mary as promised. When he found her, she looked at him with a bit of a guilty look on her face.</p>
<p>“I have a bit of a confession to make… When Jack came to see me, he told me a few things that I didn’t mention. He might have told me what happened between you and Dean before you died, and a few other things that Sam had recently told him…”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, Castiel, but you boys can be so stubborn sometimes! Even when I was alive, I could see something was there, the way you counted down to the single second how long Dean was gone when he and Sam were taken by the government, the way you two looked at each other when we first met, when you thought he was dead. There were moments where it was so clear, the connection you two have, I’ve never seen anything like it before.”</p>
<p>“You say that as if he-”</p>
<p>“Yes, I do. I know things you may not, saw things you couldn’t see, like the way he looked at you when he knew you weren’t looking, the absolute life-altering fear he felt when he thought you were going to die in that barn, how he wouldn’t even consider leaving you there to die alone, even if there was no chance of saving you. You may not see it or even believe it, but I’m telling you right now, if you don’t figure this out when you go back to Earth, I will personally come down there and kick both your asses.”</p>
<p>‘Mary, you can’t just expect me to go back and tell him I love him again. Not after... not after he said nothing back.”</p>
<p>“That’s exactly what I expect, or at least you fight for him, you show him that he deserves your love, that it’s something he can have, that he shouldn’t be afraid of it. You take care of him, you hear me?”</p>
<p>“O-Okay. I’ll do my best,” he promised.</p>
<p>“Good. Now it’s about time you and Jack get back to work so you can make good on this promise sooner rather than later.”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Now that their work was done in heaven and everything was put the way it should have been to begin with, Jack and Cas returned to Earth together. It was a warm day, the sun was out, shining above their heads but it seemed wrong. It didn’t seem to suit the way he was feeling right now in the slightest.</p>
<p>Cas knew what was coming next, but it didn’t make it any easier. He had cherished these past few days with Jack. He would hold onto them for the rest of his life. Stepping closer to Jack and wrapping him in a tight embrace, he tried to come to terms with it all, he tried to let go.</p>
<p>“I hope you know that you will always be welcome, that we will always be your family, even if you aren’t physically here.”</p>
<p>Cas released his tight hold on him then, stepping back, but leaving one hand on his shoulder as he gazed at his son for possibly the last time.</p>
<p>“I love you, Jack. Don’t ever forget that.”</p>
<p>Cas could feel the tears forming in his eyes, threatening to break free.</p>
<p>“Thank you. I love you too, Dad,” Jack said, with a peaceful smile forming on his face. </p>
<p>At that, Castiel finally broke, the tears escaping and flowing freely. It was the first time that he had ever heard Jack call him that and he was afraid that it would also be the last time. He hoped that it wouldn’t be but he needed to be practical here. He knew what Jack wanted to do going forward, how he didn’t want to be involved with things. He couldn’t help but feel sad, to feel like he was losing a part of himself.</p>
<p>Reluctantly, Castiel slid his hand from Jack’s shoulder, a sad smile painted on his face, not wanting the last time Jack saw him to be like this, without a smile. He didn’t want him to think he wasn’t proud of him, because he was. He couldn’t be any prouder of the person he had become.</p>
<p>He stood there and watched as Jack took a few steps away from him, his eyes staying focused on Castiel.</p>
<p>“Cas, could you do one last thing for me?”</p>
<p>“Of course, Jack.”</p>
<p>“Just… tell Sam that I’m sorry, I- I heard him, but I just ignored him. Tell him that I’m sorry, tell them both that and also tell them that I love them and I miss them too.”</p>
<p>Then Cas was watching as Jack slowly faded away, leaving him alone. In a few seconds it was if he was never there to begin with.</p>
<p>Castiel was about to leave, to go find a car he could use when a sudden gust of wind picked up, blowing past him. It was warm, and he smiled, knowing then that Jack would always be with him, no matter where he went.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Castiel knew he had his wings back now, but he was so used to not flying by now and he just needed time. He needed to prepare himself for when he arrived at the bunker. He had been thinking about it while in heaven, but he always seemed to push it aside, telling himself he had time later to worry about that. But now, there was no later. There was only a few hours between him and Dean, less than a day's drive. He was so nervous to see him, but he also couldn’t wait. He just wanted to be with him now, right this second, but he knew he needed some time to think about it. This is why he flew his way to the nearest car and then proceeded to drive his way to Lebanon, Kansas. To Dean.</p>
<p>The whole drive all he could think about was Dean. What would happen when he showed up? Would Dean hug him and tell him he missed him, would he brush it off with a quick handclap on the shoulder, not paying much attention to it and ignoring everything Cas had told him before he died? Or would he be angry and yell at Cas for leaving? He had no idea, there were so many ways that this could go, so many things that Dean could say or just not say. He was terrified, but also, so excited. He just wanted to see Dean, it really didn’t matter what happened or what Dean said as long as he saw him, just to see his face once more, just to hear his voice.</p>
<p>He knew he should have called Dean or Sam, but he didn’t. He needed to see both of their faces, he couldn’t just do it over the phone this time because things were different now. He needed to see Dean’s face, he didn’t want him to lie over the phone and tell him everything was okay, he needed to see him and know that whatever he said wasn’t just to cover up his feelings or to spare Cas from whatever pain he had caused.</p>
<p>He knew that whatever happened, it would be hard, and that’s exactly why it needed to be done in person.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>A few hours and two gas stops later, he was so close, maybe ten minutes away and he still had no idea what he would say or do when he got there. In almost no time, he was on the road leading to the bunker, and then there it was. He could see it. </p>
<p>He pulled up outside and turned off the car. He just sat there for a few minutes, trying to work up the courage to get out of the car. He finally did, still not sure of what his plan was, but his legs started carrying him towards the door anyway. He wasn’t even sure if they’d be there. They could be out or on a case or anywhere. What if they weren’t there? What if he drove all that way and nothing? What if-</p>
<p>He paused. A buzzing was coming from his pocket. His phone. Who was even calling him?</p>
<p>He fumbled his hand around in his pocket, trying to get his phone out, letting out a sigh of relief when he did. Then he looked at the screen. <em>Dean.</em> It was Dean, but why was he calling him. He didn’t know he was alive, so what was he doing?</p>
<p>Cas hesitantly pressed the answer call button, bringing it to his ear, not sure of what to say and still entirely confused. He heard a breath hitch on the other end. Cas spoke after a few too many moments of silence.</p>
<p>“Hello?”</p>
<p>Still more silence.</p>
<p>“Dean..? Are you there?”</p>
<p>“C- Cas?”</p>
<p>Dean’s voice broke. </p>
<p>“I… I don’t understand. How- what’s happening?”</p>
<p>Cas could hear the pain and disbelief in his voice. Something inside of him broke then.</p>
<p>“Dean, it’s okay, I’ll explain later, can you just come to the door? Come to the bunker door.”</p>
<p>“What? Why? No… this can’t be real, you can’t be, you’re…”</p>
<p>Dean’s voice trailed off and then he heard a deep breath before Dean’s voice returned, angrier this time.</p>
<p>“No, who the hell is this? It isn’t funny!”</p>
<p>“Dean, calm down, please. I swear it’s really me. Ask- ask me anything, please. Let me prove it to you.”</p>
<p>“Fuck, no. Stop trying to-to do whatever this is.”</p>
<p>“Dean, just listen to me for a second.”</p>
<p>Now Cas was getting a bit frustrated.</p>
<p>“I didn’t fight my way out of the empty and spend weeks just wishing I could be there with you, for you to just act like an idiot and not even see me.”</p>
<p>“What, I-”</p>
<p>“No, Dean, shut up. Just listen to me for once.”</p>
<p>“Who the fuck would have my phone, I <em>died</em> with it, it went with me to the empty. And yes, I know what happened with Lucifer while I was gone, Jack told me, so I understand why you might be hesitant, but it’s me. Please Dean, just come to the door. Just come see me, let me show you.”</p>
<p>At some point, his anger had turned to sadness and he could now feel the tears stinging his eyes. He tried to hold them back, he couldn’t let them fall, not yet.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Dean replied, not sure of what else to say.</p>
<p>During Cas’ speech, he had already stepped out of his room, and his slow walk had turned into something more urgent as he went. By the time he made it to the map room, he was sprinting. He took the stairs two at a time and, just like last time, he paused when he reached the door. </p>
<p>He brought the phone back up to his ear then, suddenly a feeling of fear flooding his body.</p>
<p>“Cas…” he whispered out.</p>
<p>“It’s okay Dean. It’s going to be okay. Just open the door.”</p>
<p>Cas tried to speak as calmly as he could, praying that Dean would open the door. Then, the sound of the loud creak of the door filled the silence as Dean swung the door open.</p>
<p>Then both stood there, the phone still to their ears, just staring in disbelief at each other. Dean seemed to remember the phone was still to his ear as he spoke.</p>
<p>“I’m going to hang up now.” He hears it echo through to the other phone, and then he hangs up, putting the phone in his pocket.</p>
<p>He looks up again and reaches out a hand, hesitantly, not sure if this is actually happening, but when his hand reaches the others’ face he knows it is. It’s real. It’s Cas. Just then he pulls his angel in for a hug so tight that he’s sure Cas can’t breathe, but he doesn’t care and it seems that Cas doesn’t either.</p>
<p>He missed Cas’ hugs, the warmth he felt having his body pressed against his, arms holding him tight. The last time he got to feel this warmth was in purgatory, that was the last time he had gotten to hold his angel. They had held each other so tightly then, both thinking they might not see the other again. With the way things were left between them, the thought of not being about to make things right was unbearable.</p>
<p>Dean just holds on, breathing Cas in, finally able to breathe, finally able to stop the worry or stop himself from being crushed by just the thought of never being able to hold his angel again because here he was, and he never wanted to let go.</p>
<p>He felt the tears that had been prickling at his eyes start to flow then, he could feel them flowing down his cheeks down onto the angels' trench coat, creating a damp puddle. </p>
<p>“I-I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” Dean sobbed out, his voice breaking.</p>
<p>“Shh Dean, it’s okay. I’m here. You could never keep me away for long.”</p>
<p>They just stand there, holding one another for what felt like hours. Both of them finding comfort in the touch of the other.</p>
<p>Then Dean pulls away, looking Cas in the eyes, cupping his face. He couldn’t believe that he was really here. He was finally able to look into those ocean blue eyes, getting lost in them. He could see that he wasn’t the only one overcome with emotion and being flooded by tears. They made Cas’ eyes sparkle though, making the blue stand out even more, just like the last time he had seen the angel, except this time, his eyes were filled with happiness and he wasn’t having to say goodbye.</p>
<p>His gaze trailed down then, to those perfect pink lips that had been haunting his dreams, then his eyes trailed back up, noticing where Cas’ own gaze had fallen before he returned Dean’s gaze once again.</p>
<p>“Dean,” Cas said quietly, scared that if he spoke too loud that he’d startle Dean and scare him away.</p>
<p>One of Cas’ hands worked this way to Dean’s waist then, snaking around it, holding tight.</p>
<p>Dean felt his eyes flutter close then, his breath was shaky, but he knew what he wanted, what he had to do. He rested his forehead against Cas’, their noses bumping into each other and then-</p>
<p>“Glad to see you out of your room Dean, but what are you-”</p>
<p>Sam stopped mid-sentence, fully seeing who Dean was standing with when the two of them jumped apart at the sound of Sam’s voice.</p>
<p>“C-Cas,” he breathed out.</p>
<p>Sam walked further into the war room, his eyes fixed on Castiel, too shocked to have even noticed the intimate moment that he had just interrupted.</p>
<p>“Hello, Sam,” Cas responded to him. He started heading down the stairs towards where Sam was now standing at the bottom, near the map table. Dean followed behind him a few moments after, trying to collect himself before he had to face his brother, worried that he had seen what was about to happen.</p>
<p>Once Castiel reached the bottom of the stairs, Sam engulfed him in a hug. It was different from the one he had gotten from Dean, but it was still welcomed. He did miss Sam too, just in a different way.</p>
<p>Sam pulled back from the hug, his eyes still wide in disbelief as he looked at Castiel.</p>
<p>“Cas, what the hell, man? How are you-”</p>
<p>“It’s a long story… maybe we should sit down?” Cas asked, eyes wandering towards the library.</p>
<p>“Yeah, sure,” Sam rushed out, eager to find out more.</p>
<p>Castiel told them a lot. He told them about how he escaped, how he managed to find his way back to Earth, he told them who he came back with, at least the ones he knew. He also explained how Jack had taken over in heaven and the work they had done for them, that Jack wanted to do this one last thing for them, he left out the details, but he made sure they knew that it was now a heaven they could be at peace in, He told them about how he saw Mary in heaven and Bobby too, and how they were happy there and how John was no longer there. He also told them what Jack had asked him to tell them, how he was sorry, that he missed them.</p>
<p>He didn’t tell them everything though. He left out what woke him up, what motivated him to escape back to Earth, he left out his conversations with Mary and Rowena, the one’s about Dean. He left out the reason why John was no longer in heaven and where he was now.</p>
<p>They didn’t question it, or at least not very much of it, not until he was done. They just listened to what Cas had to say and glad that he was even here to say anything at all. Still, none of the questions were about John, both Sam and Dean avoided asking about him, at least for tonight.</p>
<p>By the time Cas was done and had answered quite a few of their questions it was getting late, around 11 o’clock at night already. He could tell that Dean was getting tired, and if he was being honest, he was too. Not sleepy tired, just tired in general. It had been an emotionally exhausting past few days and he just wanted to sit down and not think for a little while.</p>
<p>Cas ushered him to bed, both him and Sam. He didn’t want to keep them up and he promised that he would still be there in the morning, he really had nowhere else he wanted or needed to be. </p>
<p>Sam went off easier than Dean, leaving them both alone for the first time since he arrived. Attempting to fight off the awkwardness that he feared would come, Castiel stood up and physically pulled Dean off his chair in order to get him to head to bed. He even walked with Dean, just to make sure he was really going to his room. That’s what he told himself at least. He just told himself he was following Dean to make sure he would get some sleep. He tried to ignore the feeling inside of him that didn’t want to leave Dean simply because he didn’t want to be apart from him, not just yet. It didn’t work very well though. This inner voice, this feeling wouldn’t go away, not until he acknowledged it. That’s why he found himself speaking these next words to Dean.</p>
<p>“Dean, do you think it’d be alright if I stayed? Just for tonight…” Cas softly spoke, looking down at the chair sitting by Dean’s door.</p>
<p>A small smile formed on Dean’s face, “Y-Yeah, of course. Stay as long as you like.”</p>
<p>He looked back up at Dean then, a shy smile forming on his face. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>Castiel sat down in the chair, it was facing Dean’s bed already and he didn’t bother moving it. He stayed right there in that spot as Dean quickly got ready for bed which involved him stripping halfway. Castiel averted his eyes when Dean did that, not wanting to make Dean uncomfortable. He kept his gaze trained firmly on the floor until he heard the rustling of the covers being pulled back and the creak of the bed as Dean slid into it. </p>
<p>Only after the creaking had started to settle did he lift his gaze back to Dean who he found was watching him from the bed. He had a curious look in his eyes, one that Castiel couldn’t quite place. It didn’t last long though as Dean soon turned away, leaning towards his bedside table to turn off the lamp which he had turned on earlier.</p>
<p>“G’night, Cas,” Dean mumbled out.</p>
<p>“Goodnight,” Castiel replied.</p>
<p>After about 30 minutes of silence, Cas heard the rustling of the covers again.</p>
<p>“Cas, you still there?” Dean whispered into the dark, quiet room.</p>
<p>“Yes, I’m still here. Why?”</p>
<p>“I uh, I can’t sleep.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I see. I could go then. I don’t wish to make you uncomfortable,” Cas said, starting to get up from the chair, hearing it creak loudly in the silence of the night.</p>
<p>Dean sat up abruptly then.</p>
<p>“No no Cas, that’s not what I-“</p>
<p>Cas halted his movements as Dean took a deep breath.</p>
<p>“Please don’t leave me,” Dean whispered quietly. He was so quiet that Cas had almost missed what he said.</p>
<p>Cas realized then, what was wrong. He began to walk towards the bed now, kneeling on the floor when he reached it. </p>
<p>“Dean, I’ll never leave you. Not again. Not if I have anything to say about it.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>Castiel reached out one hand, bringing it to rest on Dean’s arm. “I promise.”</p>
<p>“Do you think you could… I don’t know… maybe sit a little closer?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, sure. I’ll bring the chair over. Is that alright?”</p>
<p>Dean nodded his head before he realized that Cas may not be able to see him too clearly in the darkness.</p>
<p>“Yeah, sounds great,” Dean said, the words almost getting caught in this throat </p>
<p>Cas got up from his crouch, his knees cracking as he rose. He walked back towards the chair and picked it up, carrying it to the other side of Dean’s bed, the right side. He set it against the wall beside his headboard, having to so it was facing Dean. Then he sat down. </p>
<p>“How’s this?” He asked Dean.</p>
<p>“Better, I think.”</p>
<p>“Good.”</p>
<p>It was quiet for a few more moments before Dean spoke again.</p>
<p>“Hey, Cas?”</p>
<p>“Yes, Dean?”</p>
<p>“Thanks for staying.”</p>
<p>“I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me. I’ve told you this before.”</p>
<p>Silence again.</p>
<p>“Goodnight Dean.”</p>
<p>“Night Cas.”</p>
<p>It was quiet for the rest of the night, apart from the few little snores that escaped Dean every so often.</p>
<p>At some point during the night Dean rolled over, still asleep and his arm stuck out, landing on one of Cas’ arms. It sat there for a while before it tightened slightly and worked its way down to his hand, holding on tight and bringing it to his chest.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I feel like a lot happened in here and my brain cannot process it all but like John in hell and DeanCas reunion. That's all that matters right now to me so I don't even mind. </p>
<p>I hope everyone is as happy as I am to finally have these two back together again and also that I wasn't the only one crying during the little Jack &amp; Cas goodbye (I really love dad Cas so I couldn't resist and I need to say my goodbye to Jack properly) </p>
<p>Until next time, have a great 2 weeks and I'll see you all in March!! Thanks for reading!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Were You Trying to Replace Me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>UPDATE: I’m not gonna be posting this weekend because school is kicking my ass with the end of the semester. I was hoping I’d be able to finish the next chapter but that ended up not happening so I’ll be updating on March 20 or 21. Sorry!!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'd just like to say I really was going to post this on Monday because Jensen's birthday but I blame Misha for all of it.</p>
<p>First, the zoom link that he had to share (which honestly I'm so fucking glad he did because well the world is fucked up and things like that need to be discussed) and then second THE BIRTHDAY TWEET.</p>
<p>Like Misha why are you doing this to us. and why did you tag Jen's name DIRECTLY over the heart?</p>
<p>okay, I'm sorry for this little rant so here's a nice cute chapter that you all deserve (also sorry about any mistake in here, I rushed through editing to get it up)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean woke up the next morning feeling the same as he had every other morning for the past few months, feeling empty, feeling lost, feeling broken. That was until he felt a warmth held tightly in his hand and tucked against his chest. His eyes fluttered open, feeling confused, but assuming he had grabbed hold of Miracle in his sleep, it wouldn’t have been the first time he had crawled up beside Dean as he slept. </p>
<p>When his eyes opened, however, he wasn’t met by the sight of shaggy fur, he was met by the sight of a beige sleeve and a body attached to it, smiling down at him.</p>
<p>Dean blinked, rubbing his eyes with the back of his free hand before the memories of the night before came flooding back.</p>
<p>Cas.</p>
<p>He was back. It wasn’t a dream. This was happening. He was really here and- oh. Dean was holding his hand. He was holding it tightly and he still hadn’t let go.</p>
<p>Cas must’ve seen the panic on his face.</p>
<p>“It’s alright, Dean. I don’t mind,” Cas soothed, gently rubbing his thumb along the side of Dean’s hand.</p>
<p>Blushing at that, Dean could feel his cheeks warm up as the angel continued to watch him from where he sat.</p>
<p>“O-okay,” Dean stuttered out but released Cas’ hand as he sat up. Despite this, he couldn’t shake the disappointment he felt at the loss of contact with the angel, even if he had been the one to let go. He tried to ignore it and distract himself by changing the subject. </p>
<p>“Uh, what time is it?” He questioned.</p>
<p>“About half-past nine,” Cas replied after eying the clock on the other side of Dean.</p>
<p>“Oh, guess it’s time to get up then.”</p>
<p>Dean pushed back the covers from his body, shivering as the cold air hit his exposed skin. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, standing up, and walking towards his dresser to take out a shirt, pulling it over his head. Then, he grabbed his robe and put it on, content with the barrier it provided from the cold air around him. </p>
<p>Dean turned around then and noticed that Cas’ eyes were focused intently on him. He seemed lost in his head.</p>
<p>“Cas?” Dean called out, a little louder than normal.</p>
<p>Cas jumped a little in his chair. “Y-yeah?” He asked, shifting uncomfortably in the chair now.</p>
<p>“You alright?”</p>
<p>“Oh, uh, yeah.” </p>
<p>Cas tried to brush it off, but he couldn’t help the staring. He hadn’t noticed last night, he must’ve been too preoccupied or happy to be back to notice, but Dean was different. He <em>looked</em> different. His skin was almost sickly pale and he looked like he had lost some weight. Maybe a bit more than some. His cheeks seemed more hollow than he remembered and although he didn’t frequently see Dean bare-chested, he couldn’t ever remember a time where he could quite clearly see his ribs. It all gave Castiel an unsettling feeling, more so because of the reason he might be different. What could have caused this. He didn’t want to think about it, about just how wrong things might have been while he was away. </p>
<p>“Should we uh…” Cas started to say as he got up from the chair. “Coffee?”</p>
<p>“Sounds great,” Dean replied, a small smile on his face.</p>
<p>With that Dean took the few steps towards the door and opened it. He jumped in surprise, however, when he was greeted by Miracle who was excitedly jumping at his legs. Kneeling down to Miracle’s height, Dean ruffled up the fur on his face before bringing the dog into a quick hug.</p>
<p>“Hey there, buddy,” he laughed as Miracle decided to take advantage of this newfound height difference and started to lick Dean’s face. Dean gave Miracle a few last pets on the head before standing up and looking back to see Cas watching the two of them with a surprised, yet warm smile on his face. Miracle seemed to notice then too that there was another person in the room, a new person at that.</p>
<p>He bounded over to Cas, sniffing him until he was satisfied and then proceeded to nuzzle at Cas’ hand until he started to pet him.</p>
<p>“Looks like someone likes you,” Dean chuckled, looking fondly at the two. It was quite cute watching them interact with one another with Miracle happily pawing at and running circles around Cas and Cas looking a little taken aback by the dog while also trying to keep up with it.</p>
<p>“Why is there a dog here, Dean?”</p>
<p>“Because… we have a dog now.”</p>
<p>“Yes, I can’t see that, but why? Were you trying to replace me?”</p>
<p>Dean actually laughed out loud at that, only further confusing Cas.</p>
<p>“What’s so funny?” He asked Dean, his head tilted to the side.</p>
<p>“N-nothing,” Dean choked out, trying to calm himself down. “‘t’s just that you… you really think I could replace you? With a dog?”</p>
<p>Castiel stayed silent.</p>
<p>“I mean I know you like to follow me around like a lost puppy sometimes but come on, Cas,” Dean chuckled out.</p>
<p>“I don’t-“</p>
<p>“Hey, whatever you say, man.” Dean chuckled, putting his hands in the air in mock defence.</p>
<p>Cas gave him a wary look, his eyes narrowing at the hunter a little, before dropping it.</p>
<p>“So, you’re not trying to replace me then?”</p>
<p>Dean slaps a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “Come on, Cas. You know I could never replace you…” Dean’s smile was easy and light. Cas would’ve almost believed him to be joking if it weren’t for the hollow look in his eyes as he spoke and the way his hand lingered for just a few moments too long. </p>
<p>“Okay, come on. I’m starving. Feels like I haven’t eaten in days,” Dean muttered out, finally turning back around, heading towards the kitchen, with both Cas and Miracle trailing not far behind.</p>
<p>Dean and Cas were surprisingly the first ones up and about today. There was no sign that Eileen or Sam had woken yet. It seemed a bit odd but Dean just decided that maybe they were having some “alone time”.</p>
<p>He was also too hungry to think about it too much and judging by the way that Miracle was whining over by his food dish making puppy eyes at Dean, he was too. </p>
<p>Dean sighed, walking over to the big tub of dog food they had, taking the scoop and filling it up before walking over to the food dish and pouring it in. Miracle happily began chowing down the moment Dean had stood up fully again and walked back to the tub of food to put away the scoop.</p>
<p>Now that Miracle had been taken care of, Dean washed his hands and then walked over to the coffee pot to get it started. Once it had begun brewing he walked over to the fridge, digging around, trying to see what they had to eat. He dug around until he found a pack of bacon and some eggs. </p>
<p>Deciding that he might as well cook enough for everyone and he even went back to the fridge to grab the pack of turkey bacon he saw laying around for Sam.</p>
<p>The two of them stayed in relative silence for the majority of the time. It wasn’t awkward though, it was pleasant, calming even. Both of them just enjoying having the other nearby. Cas stood near Dean for most of the time, just watching as he cooked. Occasionally, Dean would ask Cas to grab him something or to pass him something that was on the other side of him. </p>
<p>Once the food was just about ready, they heard voices coming from the hallway, Sam and Eileen were finally awake.</p>
<p>“Hey, there sleepyheads,” Dean hollered out, glancing briefly in their direction to offer them both a smile.</p>
<p>“Really, Dean?” Sam asked, displaying one of his many different bitchfaces. Dean just ignored him, focusing on the food once more. </p>
<p>Castiel was watching the short interaction between the two of them from the far side of Dean, but then he walked a little closer to Sam and Eileen to greet them.</p>
<p>“Goodmorning, Sam, Elieen,” he spoke while also signing. “It’s good to see you again Eileen.”</p>
<p>“Hi, Cas,” she spoke. “Sorry, I missed you last night. I was out on a hunt and only got back early this morning.”</p>
<p>“That’s alright,” Cas spoke as he signed with his hands as well. “I’m just glad to see you now.”</p>
<p>“Ahh,” Dean interrupted from near the stove. “So, that’s why you were both up later than normal then… Makes sense now.”</p>
<p>“Oh, how did it go?” Cas asked, listening as he helped Dean finish up the cooking and put the bacon all on two separate plates, along with the eggs and brought them to the table.</p>
<p>Eileen told them a bit about the case she was on as they all dug into the food. It was nothing too crazy, just a simple haunting in Iowa. She did let slip out though that she had been gone for four days, something that caught Cas’ attention immediately. If she had been gone for four days, then why hadn’t Dean noticed she was gone or that she was on a case? It didn’t seem like the time to bring it up though, and he also didn’t want to interrupt Eileen. He made a mental note to ask Dean about it later.</p>
<p>The conversation carried on, light and carefree. Miracle had also joined them, laying down at Dean’s feet. He was being good so Dean decided to give him a piece of bacon, much to Sam’s disapproval.</p>
<p>“You shouldn’t feed dogs at the table, Dean. It just teaches them to beg while we eat.”</p>
<p>“Don’t be such a downer, Sam, it’s fine. It’s not like I do it all the time,” Dean chuckled out.</p>
<p>“Yeah, that’s what you say now…”</p>
<p>Cas just watched them, amused at the interaction over something so trivial. Dean noticed his smile though.</p>
<p>“See Sam, even Cas thinks you’re being ridiculous about it.”</p>
<p>“Hey, don’t drag me into this,” Cas protested, but he couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his mouth.</p>
<p>“Woah, thanks for the support, man.”</p>
<p>Rolling his eyes, Dean tried to fake hurt, but he couldn’t keep down his own little laugh that escaped him. He couldn’t help it, not when Cas’ laugh was so contagious. Both of them were soon overcome by little giggles, only fueled by the other’s laugh and not really anything else anymore. It was ridiculous, but the more ridiculous it was, the funnier it got. There was really no reason for them to be laughing, nothing was even really that funny, yet there they were and there were Sam and Eileen sitting across the table from them just staring at them as if they’d lost their minds.</p>
<p>When Dean had managed to calm himself down, he noticed Sam was giving him a strange look.</p>
<p>“What?” He questioned, trying to give him a look of his own but ultimately failing as the smile that he was trying to conceal broke out once again on his face. </p>
<p>Sam shook his head. “Nothing… ‘t’s just that- I dunno man, it’s just nice to see you smile again…”</p>
<p>Cas furrowed his brows at that, giving them both a quizzical look. “What do you mean?” He asked, a note of concern laced in his voice.</p>
<p>“It’s just-“ Sam started before Dean quickly cut him off.</p>
<p>“Nothing,” Dean sped out, giving Sam a look of warning.</p>
<p>Sam looked back, giving him bitch face number 32. “Dean,” he tried to reason.</p>
<p>“Just leave it, Sam.”</p>
<p>Sam just let out a frustrated sigh but dropped it nonetheless. Eileen tried to offer him a comforting smile, dropping one hand to his knee, stroking it gently with her thumb.</p>
<p>“Dean,” Cas spoke softly as he leaned closer to the man. He had been watching that whole little exchange unfold and didn’t understand a word of it, only that Dean clearly didn’t want to talk about something that Sam clearly did. </p>
<p>“What’s going on?” He questioned. He didn’t want to push, but if something was wrong then he wanted to know. </p>
<p>“It’s nothing, Cas. Don’t worry about it.” </p>
<p>Dean tried brushing it off. Cas didn’t want to drop it though. He could tell something was wrong, he just didn’t know what it was.</p>
<p>“Dean…” Cas’ voice was low and deep. “I know you well enough by now to know when something’s wrong.”</p>
<p>“It’s nothing, Cas!” He snapped out a little too harshly. Immediately, regret flashed across his face, not meaning to snap at Cas, but he just didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t want Cas to feel bad or worry about how bad off he had been without him. </p>
<p>Castiel flinched visibly at Dean’s response, leaning away from the man and instead shifted his gaze down to the table and the food in front of him.</p>
<p>“Look, I’m sorry, man,” Dean started saying, rushing to undo any damage that had been done. He placed his right hand on Cas’ knee, trying to get his attention. “I didn’t- I didn’t mean to snap at you. I just don’t want to talk about it. Not right now.”</p>
<p>Cas glanced up at Dean again, shyly. </p>
<p>“So, we can talk about it later then?” There was a note of hope in his voice. Dean knew that if he didn’t agree then Cas would only bring it up again later, so he had no choice but to agree. At least this way Cas would wait, at least a little while, for Dean to bring it up on his own when he was ready. Or at least if he brought it up again, it would most likely be when they were alone.</p>
<p>“Fine. Later.” Dean huffed out, admitting defeat.</p>
<p>“Good.”</p>
<p>Cas’ response was simple. He had every intention of holding Dean to this agreement and he was pleased that he had managed to agree in the first place.</p>
<p>They finished their meal in relative peace after that, Sam now knowing not to mention anything about Dean’s wellbeing while Cas was dead. They kept the conversation light and easy, catching Cas up on some of the things he missed in the past few months that he was away.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>It was a relatively uneventful day after breakfast, at least for a little while.</p>
<p>Dean decided to go out for a supply run, remembering that they seemed to be low on some food when he was digging around for breakfast. He made up a list of things to get, asking Sam and Eileen if there was anything they needed before he decided to head out. Cas had offered to go with him earlier so once he was ready to go he went to look for the angel, finding him sitting in a chair in the library, reading through a book. </p>
<p>He looked up when he heard Dean’s footsteps.</p>
<p>“Ready?” He asked, closing the book and pushing it aside.</p>
<p>“Yeah, let’s go.”</p>
<p>Dean didn’t wait for a reply, turning around and stepping back into the hallway, heading towards the garage where the Impala was parked and waiting for them.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>When they got to the store, both of them got out of the car, but not before Dean reached around to the back seat to grab the bags that Sam had insisted on him using. After listening to Sam ramble on about all the benefits of using reusable bags he gave in, if not only to get him to stop talking so he could leave.</p>
<p>Things had been going fairly well so far. They had only been there for around forty-five minutes and were almost done with the list. So far, they’d been able to find everything. </p>
<p>Heading down the cereal aisle, Cas asked Dean what they needed from here. Dean read out the list. “Corn Flakes, Cookie Crunch, and All-Bran.”</p>
<p>Cas must’ve seen one of them because he went out to reach for something on the other side of the aisle, but apparently, he hadn’t been paying full attention to his surroundings. Luckily, Dean had, as he noticed two small girls were barrelling down the aisle, giggling about something and heading straight for Cas. Dean acted quickly.</p>
<p>“Cas, look out,” Dean rushed out, shooting one hand out to grab him by the wrist and pull him back. Cas stumbled a little from the change of direction, losing his footing, but thankfully, Dean was there to catch him before he was able to not so gracefully fall to the floor. </p>
<p>Dean was now holding Cas in both arms as he steadied him. Regaining his footing, Cas stood back up fully, yet Dean’s hands stayed on the angel, not quite wanting to let go yet. Looking at Dean’s face, Castiel shifted against him, but only enough to partially face him, not enough to remove Dean’s hold on him.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Castiel laughed lightly. “I guess I should be more watchful of my surroundings.”</p>
<p>“Don’t worry about it. That’s what I’m here for,” Dean grinned at him.</p>
<p>“Oh, I’m sorry about that,” a woman with short, pastel pink hair interrupted as she came up to them. “I swear I have no control over them most of the time.”</p>
<p>“That’s alright, we understand,” Cas responded sympathetically, focusing on the woman.</p>
<p>“Oh, you do? I must say… you two make quite a cute couple,” the woman gushed out.</p>
<p>Heat shot straight to Dean’s face. “What? We’re not- he- he’s not,” he started to ramble out, finally letting go of Cas and taking one full step away from him.</p>
<p>“Oh, sorry, dear. I didn’t mean to assume, I just thought- well, nevermind that. I should go find my girls before they cause any more trouble.”</p>
<p>“It’s alright,” Cas stepped in, looking at the woman. “No need to apologize, just a simple misunderstanding.” </p>
<p>“Mhmm,” Dean piped in, nodding his head once in agreement, with a tight smile on his face.</p>
<p>Off the woman went down the aisle in the same direction as the two children, leaving Dean and Cas alone in the aisle. It was silent for a moment, it was unnerving to Dean. Without thinking about it, he broke the silence.</p>
<p>An awkward chuckle escaped his mouth. “Can you believe… she really thought that- that we…” Dean trailed off when he saw Cas’ gaze shift towards the ground, avoiding Dean’s eyes. “I mean, I didn’t mean that that would be a bad thing- I just uh, nevermind.”</p>
<p>Dean promptly looked away from Cas as well, shifting his attention back to the list and whatever the hell they were supposed to be looking for down here. Remembering what they were looking for, Dean went to the other side of the aisle, grabbing the box of Corn Flakes that Cas had been reaching for before he was almost trampled. Placing them in the cart, Dean continued rolling it down the aisle, searching for the last two kinds of cereal on the list with Cas trailing a few steps behind.</p>
<p>The rest of the trip was done in relative silence, other than when Dean read off a few items on the list, but before no time, they were at the checkout and paying for the groceries. Dean pulled open the bags they had, handing two of them to Cas as they packed up the bags.</p>
<p>Although Dean would never admit it to Sam, these bags were actually quite handy. He didn’t have to pay for all those shitty plastic bags or worry about them breaking if he filled them too heavily. Plus, the handle was a lot nicer to hold onto with the fabric instead of the plastic thinning out and digging into his hand or arm. Maybe he could get behind using them… maybe.</p>
<p>The errands they ran took up most of the afternoon. They made a stop for beer, the store for food and general supplies and then Dean also decided they should make a stop at a local pet store to grab a few things for Miracle as well.</p>
<p>They spent more time at the pet store than he had meant. He only wanted to get a few chew toys for him and a new leash since the other one had, well, gotten a bit chewed up.</p>
<p>Cas had wandered off at some point, Dean not noticing at first, not until he turned around, about to ask Cas for his opinion on which leash he thought they should get, but when he did, Cas was nowhere in sight. Sighing, Dean had a guess of where the angel may have gone off to. </p>
<p>Leashes in hand, Dean walked down the aisle, heading to the section where they kept the animals, more specifically, the guinea pigs.</p>
<p>It took him a minute or two before he managed to find the right area and there, just like he expected, was Cas crouching down and looking at a furry brown and white guinea pig with wide eyes.</p>
<p>“Cas…” Dean sighed. “What’re you doing, man?”</p>
<p>Cas continued staring into the little glass cage. “Do you ever wonder what it’s like to be trapped inside a tiny cage your whole life with giant ape-like creatures staring down at you, poking at the glass?”</p>
<p>Dean rubbed a hand down his face, taking a deep breath. </p>
<p>“Not really,” he replied to the angel who still hadn’t looked away from the small animal.</p>
<p>“It doesn’t sound very pleasant though, wouldn’t you say?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I uh, I guess not.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Cas stated, standing up fully and looking over to Dean who was only a few feet away. “So you agree then.”</p>
<p>“Agree on what?” Dean had no idea what Cas was talking about.</p>
<p>“That we should save this guinea pig from this place and take him home with us,” Cas stated like it was completely obvious.</p>
<p>Staring blankly back at the angel, Dean processed what he had just said. When he did, he just shook his head, a small smile appearing on his face.</p>
<p>“Cas, we can’t just up and buy a guinea pig.”</p>
<p>“Why not?” Cas questioned, squinting his eyes at Dean.</p>
<p>“Because. Where would we even put it? And we already have a pet, one I might add, that may or may not even like other animals, especially, small furry ones.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I see…” Cas looked down at the guinea pig sadly. “I guess that makes sense…”</p>
<p>Dean took a few steps closer to Cas, putting a hand on his shoulder and tilting his head down to catch Cas’ gaze and bring it back up to him. “Look, I know you like guinea pigs for… whatever reason… but we can’t get one. Maybe one day, but I think we’d all have to discuss it first, okay?”</p>
<p>“Alright,” Cas murmured, giving the guinea pig one last soft glance before looking back at Dean. “Guess we should get going then. Did you find everything?’</p>
<p>“Oh uh, yeah. Just one thing. Red or Blue?” Dean asked, holding up the two leashes, wanting Cas’ opinion. </p>
<p>“Um, blue?”</p>
<p>“Okay. Let's just go put this other one back then we can get going.”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Once they had returned to the bunker, the two of them unloaded the Impala and put everything away. Between the two of them, they only had to make three trips, which all-in-all wasn’t too bad. </p>
<p>By the time they were done putting everything in its place, Dean was feeling a bit hungry. He really could go for a good burger right about now, so the only option seemed to be to make one. Sure, it would take some time to do it from scratch but the taste to come was one that was well worth it. Off he went, set on his mission to make some burgers, wanting to make enough for everyone.</p>
<p>He’d done this enough to know what he was doing so it didn’t take much time at all and soon, the smell of the meat cooking was wafting through the air.</p>
<p>It must’ve alerted Sam because only a few minutes later, into the kitchen he walked, a small smile on his face.</p>
<p>“What’re you making dinner now, too?” Sam chuckled out.</p>
<p>“Got a problem with that Sammy? If you do, don’t think I won’t eat your burger too.” </p>
<p>Dean narrowed his eyes at Sam, pointing his spatula in his direction as he spoke.</p>
<p>Sam raised his hands in the air in defence. “Nope, no problem, just an observation.”</p>
<p>“Mhmm, if you wanna come over and help Cas with the veggies and stuff, I’m sure he’d appreciate it. Don’t wanna burn anything over here,” Dean spoke as he gestured towards the cooking patties, the bacon, and the buns that he had toasting in the oven.</p>
<p>“Yeah, sure,” Sam replied as he headed towards Cas who was at the counter attempting to slice the tomato without squishing it. One could say that he wasn’t too successful at this job so Sam took over and suggested he wash and cut the lettuce instead, at least that way, the lettuce wouldn’t make a big, juicy mess if he squished it.</p>
<p>Together they all worked to finish off dinner, assembling the burgers once everything was done.</p>
<p>“Is Elieen gonna come join us?”</p>
<p>“Nah, she’s been doing some research for a friend of hers. I was gonna go help her out so I’ll just take this to the library to eat. You two have fun though,” Sam winked, before grabbing two plates and heading into the hallway.</p>
<p>“So…” Dean spoke, awkwardly breaking the silence and pointedly ignoring Sam’s wink. “Movie?” he suggested with a hopeful tone to his voice.</p>
<p>“Sure. Lead the way.”</p>
<p>Dean grabbed his plate with the burger on it, as well as two beers before heading towards the den, ready to finally sit down and relax for a bit.</p>
<p>They ended up watching two movies before Dean decided to call it quits. He was getting tired, almost nodding off near the end of the movie, but he still wanted to shower before bed. It had been a long ass day and a nice hot shower sounded pretty great. Grabbing his plate and empty beer bottles he headed to the kitchen.</p>
<p>“I uh, I think ‘m gonna go shower before bed,” Dean spoke, not looking up from what he was doing.</p>
<p>“Alright,” Cas responded simply.</p>
<p>Dean headed to his room, Cas still following close behind, to grab his things for a shower. Cas didn’t really have anything else to do. Once Dean had grabbed the few things he needed, he was about to leave his room but bumped into Cas instead.</p>
<p>“Uhh, Cas?” </p>
<p>Dean took a step back from the angel, glancing at him wearily.</p>
<p>“Hmmm?”</p>
<p>“Do you uh, mind…?” He spoke, gesturing vaguely with his hands.</p>
<p>“Oh right, sorry. I’ll just go do… something…” Cas trailed off, looking away from Dean.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>While Dean was showering Cas decided he would go to his room for a bit. He hadn’t been in there yet since he got back and now seemed like a good time for it. </p>
<p>Opening the door to the room, he turned on the lights before walking in further. He just left the door open, maybe partly because he wanted to know when Dean was done with his shower.</p>
<p>Slowly, he walked around his room. The space was pretty plain. There wasn’t much in his room, just a few small personal items scattered in various places, but overall, it wasn’t much.</p>
<p>Cas walked over to the desk, turning on the lamp and then opening the top drawer. Inside he kept one of his favourite things. It was the mixtape that Dean had made him a few years ago. Next to it laid an old walkman he used to listen to the tape sometimes.</p>
<p>He didn’t really feel the need to hide things in his room, he didn’t really have much of anything worth hiding from anyone, but there was one thing that he felt was too personal to keep out in the open. He wasn’t sure how Dean would feel if he found it and he was sure that Sam would have some questions about it if he saw it.</p>
<p>Under his mattress, Castiel kept hidden a sketchbook, or, more accurately, two sketchbooks since the first one had long ago been filled up. Castiel walked over to the bed, kneeling down and lifted up the corner of the mattress. Once his eyes focused, they grew wide in horror. Both sketchbooks were no longer there, he lifted up the mattress a bit more in a last ditch effort to see if maybe they were just in a different spot under the mattress than he remembered. No luck though. They were gone. Castiel wasn’t really sure where they had gone or who may have moved them. He knew for certain this was the only place he had ever put them and they couldn’t have moved on their own.</p>
<p>He reasoned that it really probably was either Sam or Dean who had found them and moved them, thinking that Dean was the more likely culprit since he was normally nosier than Sam, but he still wasn’t sure why he would’ve moved them or why he would’ve even been in his room in the first place. He decided that maybe he should just ask Dean about it and see if he knew anything about it.</p>
<p>Just then, Cas heard footsteps coming down the hallway. Hastily, he put the bed and the sheets back how they originally were before turning around to face the door. Not a moment later, Dean appeared in front of the doorway, already clad in sweatpants and a loose-fitting long sleeve shirt. His hair was still noticeably damp. Cas could see the little dribbles of water trickling down his neck and the shine of his hair.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Dean started, but his eyebrows furrowed when he saw how stiff Castiel looked just standing there. “Everything okay?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” he replied, just a little too quickly.</p>
<p>“You sure? You don’t seem sure…”</p>
<p>“Okay well, maybe not… I-” Cas paused, thinking over his words carefully.  “You or Sam wouldn't have happened to have been in my room while I was gone… were you?”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t be upset if you did,” Cas quickly added, not wanting Dean to think he would be angry about something like that.</p>
<p>“Uh, maybe a few times… why?”</p>
<p>“It’s just that there are a few things out of place and… there’s something missing…”</p>
<p>Dean looked a little guilty from the question, but didn’t admit to anything, not yet, he wanted to be sure what Cas was talking about.</p>
<p>“What uh… what’s missing.”</p>
<p>Cas was the one who shifted uncomfortably now. If it hadn’t actually been Dean and he mentioned the sketchbooks then Dean would certainly like to know more about them and Cas was still quite shy about the drawings, more specifically some of the subjects in the drawings.</p>
<p>“Just something that I had under my mattress…”</p>
<p>“Oh. Well, okay I didn’t <em>mean</em> to find them Cas, I swear, I just, I noticed there was a bit of a lump one day on your bed and it was annoying so I just checked to see why and then I just- I found them. I’m sorry that I took them, I just- I didn’t know that you’d- you were <em>gone</em> Cas. For good, I thought and it was just nice to have something of yours close by and-”</p>
<p>Dean had been rambling so it took Cas a few moments to catch up and when he did, a few things caught his attention.</p>
<p>“You were laying in my bed?” He questioned suddenly, cutting Dean off.</p>
<p>“I- uh,” Dean stuttered out. “No? I just- let’s go to bed.” His voice had grown higher than normal. A lot higher. </p>
<p>Dean’s face had heated up significantly in these past few moments, he could feel it, which only made it worse. Why the hell did he have to just talk so much, why did he have to say <em>that</em>. He hadn’t meant to, his mouth just decided to screw him over once again.</p>
<p>He decided not to wait for Cas’ reply before whipping his body around and all but sprinting to his room to escape the conversation that he knew deep down was only going to follow him and running away would only delay the inevitable by a few minutes, maybe less.</p>
<p>He arrived in his room, not bothering to close the door, knowing that Cas was following a few meters behind. He kept his head down and his back turned to the door. He could feel eyes boring into the back of his neck as he made his way over to his desk, opening the middle drawer and taking a deep breath before reaching down and pulling out the two sketchbooks. Holding onto them tightly, his knuckles turning white, he walked towards Cas, keeping his eyes fixed on the sketchbooks in his hands as he went. He did <em>not</em> want to look at Cas right now, he couldn’t. He was lucky he was even able to be in the same room as him right now.</p>
<p>Dean made sure to keep his words brief this time. “Sorry…” he spoke softly as he handed the books to Cas. Castiel reached out, grabbing hold of the books, but not without a hand grazing Dean’s own, lingering for just a moment before pulling away. </p>
<p>“It’s alright.”</p>
<p>With that, the conversation was over, for now at least, but neither one could stop the questions that were racing around their heads. There were so many things each wanted to say, to ask, but couldn’t. Not tonight. Both of them stayed silent for the rest of the night, lost in their own heads, in words unspoken. Both of them left to wonder about what the answers might be, if it could be what they hoped or something completely different.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'd just like to say if I never post again it's because I died because Jensen decided to break his silence and tweet. but maybe I'll come back as a ghost and write... maybe.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Tombstone...?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ha hello everyone! I’m finally back with another chapter, sorry about the long wait! Also, sorry but it’ll be a bit of a wait for the next chapter too. I have 3 essays and a test all within the next 2-3 weeks so I’ll be too busy to write until after that’s all done, but I’ll be back either the weekend of April 10th or the 17th, depending on how well the next chapter goes. But for now, please enjoy and don’t mind any of my errors, it was a rushed editing job.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The room was quiet and dark when Dean woke. His eyes were fairly well adjusted to the darkness so it wasn’t hard for him to glance over to the chair beside his bed and see that Cas was still sitting there, just like how he left him except for that now, his eyes were closed and his head was now tilted to the side a little. He wasn’t sleeping, Dean knew that, he was probably just thinking or listening to angel radio, but he looked almost as if he was sleeping. Another thing that Dean noticed was that the sketchbooks Cas had been clinging onto so tightly the night before were now gone. Where? Dean didn’t know. He just knew Cas must’ve hidden them somewhere.</p>
<p>It was something he tried not to notice or think about, but it was just so hard. There were still so many things he wanted to know about them. The sketches looked like he’d been doing them for years now, there were so many. How did he and Sam never know about this little hobby Cas picked up? It seemed strange to him. Before Dean found them, he never would have thought that Cas drew, or that he would even be any good at drawing anything. He’d never given it much thought if he was being honest, there was no reason for him to. He was a little disappointed that Cas had never shared this with him, not just the drawing themselves, but even just casually bringing it up in conversation, just mentioning that he liked to draw sometimes, not even specifics of what or who he drew, just something about it. But he never did. Not even once.</p>
<p>Maybe it hurt Dean a little that Cas never felt like he could be open about it, about something so personal to him, but he’d never let anyone know that. It’s not like Cas should have told him, it wasn’t really something that Dean had the right to know or had any business in.</p>
<p>But then again... so many of the drawings were of him. It felt strange that Cas had drawn him so many times, in so many different ways, that he had no knowledge of it at all. Dean could tell by looking at them that at least a huge chunk of them had to be from memory. Sure, there were some of Dean, where it looked like he was sleeping, and maybe he should’ve found it creepy, but he didn’t. Maybe it was because Cas had been gone for so long by the time he found them and that this seemed to be one of the only things he had left of Cas back then, or maybe it was because it reminded him of the old Cas, the Cas who’d watch him sleep, sitting or standing there unblinking. Dean knew that Cas never really stopped doing that, not entirely. There had always been times that he caught the angel watching him, startling him a little - or a lot - when he woke up, but over time, as he got to know him more and more, as he grew to care about him, to love him... Over time it felt less creepy and got to a point where maybe he didn’t actually really mind, he might’ve just pretended that he did. </p>
<p>It was stupid, he knew that, to just pretend that he minded, that he found it creepy or weird, but what else was he supposed to do? He couldn’t just come out and say that Cas could watch him sleep whenever, especially when Sam was around. That would’ve been weird.</p>
<p>Either way, no matter what happened then, things were definitely different now. Sure, he hadn’t explicitly said to Cas that he didn’t mind when he watched him sleep, but he also didn’t say that. He had told Cas to stay with him the first night that he was back, hell, he even asked Cas to come and sit closer to him for god's sake, he pleaded with him not to leave him. </p>
<p>There was also last night. Now that he was thinking of it, he didn’t say 'I’m going to bed' when he was trying to escape the conversation, he included Cas in that. It was an invitation for Cas to follow him to bed, to stay with him once again, even if he hadn’t explicitly said it that time. I mean, he even left the door open for Cas to follow him, he didn’t even try closing it to keep him out.</p>
<p>All these little things he did, all of them, it was his way of trying to let Cas in, to open up just a little because it was the only way that he could</p>
<p>Dean thought back to the sketches again, to the other ones of him. There were one’s where he was awake, where he looked happy. These ones had to be drawn from memory or else Dean would’ve noticed. It was the details that got him with these ones. They were so detailed. It was like Cas had accounted for every last freckle on his face, every laugh line. He got it all. The amount of care and effort he put into these drawings amazed him.</p>
<p>There were other drawings too, other images, places, people. There were some of Sam and Jack, and some with all three of them, but Cas was never in them. Even if Dean was sure he could pinpoint the memory, he could place Cas somewhere in that moment, Cas was never there. It was always seemingly drawn from an outside point of view, as if Cas was just sitting there, watching it all unfold as if he was never there. Like a stranger looking in.</p>
<p>Dean wasn’t sure why he thought of it like that. Maybe it was true, but he also felt like if he were to draw, he probably wouldn’t ever draw himself.</p>
<p>Out of all the many drawings there, Dean loved them all, but there were still a few that he loved more than the others. One, in particular, was of just a place, a field. The grass was tall, looking as if it were at least a foot in the air, and in the grass, scattered about were a bunch of little wildflowers. They were everywhere, but not so much so that they were obnoxious or taking over the drawing. Dean could also see little bees buzzing around the field, going from flower to flower. </p>
<p>In the background, there were trees, a lot of them. Evergreen trees, he thinks. From what he could tell, they were surrounding the grassy area. It must’ve been a little clearing in a forest somewhere. At least he imagined it was somewhere, someplace that Cas had actually visited. A place where he sat in the middle of the clearing, just sketching for hours. He also liked to imagine that one day Cas would take him there, that Dean could lay in the grass, in the warm sun as Cas sat there beside him, just drawing again. Maybe drawing the bees again, or maybe drawing Dean there with him. It was a nice thought to have, and it was one that had used to be filled with sadness, with the knowledge that he would never know if the field was real or not and that Dean would never get to see it, but now there was hope. Anything was possible now, anything could happen and it was the greatest feeling.</p>
<p>A noise from beside him broke him out of his thoughts. Turning his head in the direction of the sound, he realized that it was only Cas. He was sitting upright again, his eyes blinking before finally settling on Dean who was already staring back.</p>
<p>“Oh, good morning, Dean,” he spoke, his voice rough from not using it the past few hours.</p>
<p>“Morning,” Dean replied. His voice equally, if not rougher. There was a small smile on Dean’s face as he spoke, one that had been there for a few minutes now.</p>
<p>“You look happy,” Cas observed. “Did you sleep well?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I… I think I did.”</p>
<p>Dean couldn’t keep the smile off his face, only feeling it grow larger the more he spoke with Cas.</p>
<p>“So, uhh what were you doing? Like when I was asleep, I mean, you uh, your eyes were closed and stuff when I woke up and I didn’t wanna disturb you.”</p>
<p>“I um, I turned angel radio back on for a bit. I thought it’d be nice to check-in, just to see how all the changes are going.”</p>
<p>“So, you don’t have it on all the time then…? Just at night?”</p>
<p>“Well, not all night, maybe just for the past hour or two I guess.”</p>
<p>“I see. Anything interesting?’</p>
<p>“Not overly. It’s just quite busy with all the new angels up there, it’s quite odd having it like that again. There’s so much chatter, it’s quite overwhelming.”</p>
<p>“Just take it slow then, you just got back, there’s no need to dive back into it all, right?”</p>
<p>“Yes, I guess not.”</p>
<p>“Alright then,” with that, Dean pushed back the covers, and got out of bed, walking over towards his dresser to find some more clothes to throw on.</p>
<p>The morning went by quite slowly. He and Cas had been in the library, sitting across from one another at a table. Cas had been flipping idly through some old spellbook he’d found that he thought had looked interesting. Dean wasn’t really sure what it contained besides that.</p>
<p>Dean, on the other hand, was on his laptop. Cas had been gone for so long that he’d missed quite a lot so Dean had promised to help catch him up on all things. For starters, he decided to compile a list of links of some news articles to some of the major events that had happened. He figured it would give Cas something to do while he was asleep and it would at least be a good starting point for him and if he wanted to know more, then he could look some other stuff up himself.</p>
<p>Next, he decided to find a few movies that had looked interesting that maybe they could watch together. Dean quite enjoyed their movie nights, or really any time spent with Cas… He was in the middle of writing down the name of one when he noticed Cas had put down his book and looked up at Dean.</p>
<p>“Dean,” Cas spoke. “Could you help me with something?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, sure? What is it?”</p>
<p>“I uh, well since I’m back… I was thinking I should probably give Claire a call. I assume one of you called her and alerted her of my death so I thought I should probably let her know that I’m not dead anymore.”</p>
<p>“Okay… but why do you need my help with that? You have your own phone, Cas.”</p>
<p>“Yes I do but- well I don’t know if her randomly getting a call from my phone would be the best idea. What if it freaks her out or she doesn’t believe it's really me? I was hoping that maybe you could give her a call- with your phone of course, and maybe let her know that I’m back and that I wanted to talk to her…?”</p>
<p>“Sounds a little complicated Cas…” Dean sighed, closing his laptop and rubbing his face.</p>
<p>“Does that mean that you won’t do it then?”</p>
<p>“Well, I didn’t say that. Do you wanna call her now?”</p>
<p>“Yes, if you don’t mind,” Cas replied.</p>
<p>“Okay, let me just…” Dean reached into his pocket, struggling a little from his sitting position to grab his phone out. Once he had it, he turned it on, seeing how it was already in the contacts app. He scrolled down to Claire’s name before pressing the call button, pressing the phone against his ear.</p>
<p> <em>Ring, ring, ring </em></p>
<p>He waited there listening to the phone, feeling Cas’ eyes on him the whole time. He got up out of the chair, shuffling a few steps closer to Cas as he waited. He tried looking down at the ground so as not to make eye contact with the angel who was surely nervous about this. He had to be at least a little nervous, right? Dean for sure felt nervous. He hadn’t actually spoken to Claire since he called her to tell her what happened to Cas. Back then, he was hardly able to get the words out. He was a mess, just rambling on about some stupid shit because he wasn’t ready to talk about it but Claire, she knew. She knew something was wrong, she practically forced it out of him. Still, he hadn’t actually gotten to the words, he broke down before then. She guessed what had happened quite quickly after that, staying on the phone with Dean until he had calmed down. He knew she must’ve been quite hurt by it as well, yet she stayed there for Dean, maybe doing that one thing comforted her, being able to do one thing. He wasn’t sure, but after that call they hadn’t talked. Probably mainly because Dean wasn’t talking to anyone. He knew that call was one that he had to make, but after that, it was too hard, he knew he couldn’t again. </p>
<p>Sam was the one who made the rest of the calls. Although there weren’t many to make, Dean was still grateful for it. Dean was never able to say to himself that Cas was dead, much less to another person, not then. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t. </p>
<p>Finally, the phone stopped ringing. It was silent for a moment or two before Dean heard her voice. It was quiet and confused.</p>
<p>“Dean?” she asked, almost sounding like she didn’t believe it was really him.</p>
<p>“Hey, Claire,” Dean breathed out, his voice a little shaky. Cas stood up then, moving closer to Dean to try and better hear their conversation.</p>
<p>“‘s been a while…”</p>
<p>“Yeah, it has,” he agreed.</p>
<p>“Is everything okay?” Claire asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah, everything's uh, pretty great actually,” Dean spoke, a warm smile creeping onto his face as he glanced over at Cas who was standing only about two feet away.</p>
<p>“Oh, really?” Claire sounded genuinely surprised. “That’s good then… Is there a reason you called?”</p>
<p>“Yeah it’s uh, it’s kinda about why things are going good…” Dean took a deep breath. “Look Claire, there’s not really an easy way to say this but… Cas is back.”</p>
<p>“Wait, what?” Claire sounded confused, but he couldn’t really blame her.</p>
<p>“Cas. He came back. He’s alive.”</p>
<p>“He’s alive?” She asked in disbelief. “Are- are you sure it’s him?”</p>
<p>“Yes, I’m sure. It’s him, it’s really him. I swear Claire. He uh, he’s here and he wants to talk to you…”</p>
<p>“Oh…”</p>
<p>“Are you okay with that?”</p>
<p>The line was silent for a few moments before Claire answered. She was probably trying to process it all.</p>
<p>“Yeah, it’s fine, put him on.”</p>
<p>“Okay, just a sec.”</p>
<p>Dean looked at Cas again, pulling the phone away from his ear and reaching it out towards Cas for him to take. Offering him a reassuring smile, Dean let go of the phone once Cas had it in his grasp. </p>
<p>Wanting to give them a bit of privacy Dean clasped a hand in Cas’ shoulder as he spoke. “I’m gonna go grab something to eat, let me know when you’re done, okay?”</p>
<p>Cas nodded, so off to the kitchen Dean went.</p>
<p>“Hello, Claire.”</p>
<p>“Hey, Cas.”</p>
<p>“How have you been? I know it's been a while...” Cas trailed off.</p>
<p>“Everything’s going good.”</p>
<p>They talked for a few minutes about how things had been going, what Claire had been doing these past few months. She’d taken a break from hunting for a bit, wanting to just spend some time at home and with Kaia since they got her back. Kaia hadn’t been too fond of the idea of going with Claire on hunts at first, so Claire decided maybe taking a break would be for the best. Claire told him that Jody was pretty relieved with that. She’d gotten a lot better with Claire going on hunts now, but she still worried. The conversation worked its way to Jody a bit more, even so much as Jody happening to stop by as they were talking. Claire gave her the news and Jody said a quick hello and stayed for a few minutes before she left.</p>
<p>Once Jody had left, Claire had gotten a little quiet, as if there was something on her mind, but she wasn’t quite sure how to say it or even if she should.</p>
<p>“Uh, Cas?” She finally spoke out.</p>
<p>“Yes?”</p>
<p>“How’s Dean doing, I mean is he okay…?”</p>
<p>“Yes, why wouldn’t he be okay?”</p>
<p>Cas furrowed his brows. It wasn’t like Claire to be this vocal about her concerns for someone, especially Dean. Sure, she cared about the people in her life, she cared quite a lot, she just didn’t always show it or make it so blatant.</p>
<p>“Well, it’s just that I haven’t talked to him since… you know… and he wasn’t doing too great back then.”</p>
<p>“Oh… what do you mean by not doing too great?” Cas asked, pressing for further information.</p>
<p>“I dunno, he was just upset and stuff, like he was crying ‘n stuff... Because you were gone.”</p>
<p>“I see. Well, he seems to be fine now.”</p>
<p>“Okay, that’s good. Could you just maybe keep an eye on him though? He had everyone pretty worried ‘s all. I heard Jody and Sam talking on the phone about it a few times.”</p>
<p>“Yes, I’ll be sure to keep an eye on him, although he really does seem alright.”</p>
<p>“Okay, well I gotta go now. Talk to you later.”</p>
<p>“Alright. Bye, Claire.”</p>
<p>“Bye, Cas.”</p>
<p>Cas hung up the phone. His call with Claire went pretty well he thought, at least as well as it could’ve gone. He couldn’t shake what she had said about Dean from his head though. She said Dean was crying, that he had worried everyone. Dean showing emotions like that, especially outside of him and Sam was quite rare, so this seemed to be cause for concern. He’ll just have to add it to the list of things he wanted to find out more about.</p>
<p>He was about to call out to Dean to let him know that he was done when something on the screen caught his eye. He knew he shouldn’t snoop, but Dean did give him his phone after all so he didn’t think Dean would mind him seeing something out in the open. It’s not like he was searching his phone for private things.</p>
<p>With a second glance, he looked down at the home screen of the phone, looking at the image that had caught his eye. There, on the home screen of Dean’s phone was a picture of Cas which was certainly not what he had expected to see there. He assumed it would’ve been a picture of the Impala but no, apparently he was wrong about that.</p>
<p>It was a picture that he hadn’t seen before, at least not one that Dean had shown him, but he remembered the time it happened, it would’ve been hard to forget it if he was being honest. </p>
<p>In the photo, Cas was sitting in the Impala and wearing that absurd cowboy hat that Dean had made him wear for the case. At least, that’s the reason that Dean had given him for having to wear the hat. Even now, Cas still didn’t see the point in him having to wear it, yet he did back then, and maybe it had a little to do with the smile Dean got on his face when Cas let him put it on him.</p>
<p>Dean had been so adamant upon him wearing it, saying that they needed to blend in, that the local police wouldn’t trust them or something if he didn’t wear it. Cas to say the least, wasn’t convinced, yet there he sat in the Impala as Dean plopped this hat on his head. He hadn’t even needed to see himself in the hat to know how ridiculous he looked and Dean had even agreed after examining it, which really didn’t help with his embarrassment.</p>
<p>The photo was taken shortly after Cas cracked a joke about that movie Dean was talking about. He had felt a small bit of satisfaction at the reaction he had gotten from Dean. He clearly hadn’t expected Cas to actually quote the movie, and that’s what Cas had wanted. He wanted Dean to be caught off guard. Seeing that brought the smallest of smiles to his face, but he was still trying to make Dean think he didn’t like the hat, after all, he didn’t. He just liked seeing that look in Dean’s eyes, that little smile he got because Cas was still wearing it. </p>
<p>He had been ready to get out of the car when Dean told him to wait. Once Cas had turned around, he saw the phone that Dean was holding up. He really did try to swat the phone away before Dean took the picture, but judging by the satisfied smirk on his face that appeared a moment later, and by this photo here now, he had failed.</p>
<p>Looking at the photo now, he still didn’t love the hat, but it wasn’t as bad as he remembered. He still wasn’t really sure why, out of all the photos Dean must’ve had, that this was the one he chose to put as the background. He wasn’t even sure why the photo was of himself. Part of him wanted to ask Dean about it but part of him also didn’t. He wasn’t sure if Dean would even want him to know it was here.</p>
<p>With a sign, he turned off the phone, heading towards the kitchen, where Cas assumed Dean probably still was. He decided not to say anything about it, just for now though.</p>
<p>When Cas finds him, Dean is in the middle of eating a sandwich at the kitchen table. </p>
<p>“How’d the call go?” Dean asked through a mouthful of food.</p>
<p>“It went well,” Cas replied simply, sitting down on the opposite side of the table of Dean and placing his phone in front of him.</p>
<p>“That’s good. Talk about anything interesting?”</p>
<p>“Depends on what you consider interesting.”</p>
<p>Dean seemed to consider that for a moment before his chewing froze. Slowly, he swallowed the food down and looked at Cas wearily.</p>
<p>“You didn’t… Claire didn’t mention anything about me… did she?”</p>
<p>“Is there a reason she would mention anything about you?” Cas questioned back, while not really answering his question.</p>
<p>Dean paused for a moment, thinking over his response carefully.</p>
<p>“I uh, n- nope, not at all.”</p>
<p>“Well then, I guess we would have no reason to talk about you.”</p>
<p>“Mhmm.”</p>
<p>It was silent for a few moments. The only sounds were of Dean chomping away at his sandwich. In between bites, Dean glanced down at his phone that was still sitting on the table. Reaching out with one hand, he picked it up and turned it on. Almost immediately, he choked on the food in his mouth, seeing where the phone opened to. It was the home screen, the picture of Cas, not the phone call app like he had expected. What started off as one startled cough, soon turned onto a fit of coughs. </p>
<p>Once he had managed to mostly calm down, he looked up at Cas, feeling his cheeks flush with embarrassment. Cas only looked innocently back at Dean.</p>
<p>“Are you alright, Dean? He asked, concern laced in his voice along with something else. “Is something the matter?”</p>
<p>Cas tried his best to hide his smirk from Dean, but he wasn’t sure if it was working. He did, after all, know the exact reason why Dean had reacted in this way.</p>
<p>“What? No- yeah… everything's fine. It's great!” he stumbled out.</p>
<p>“Well, if you’re sure then…”</p>
<p>“Yup, 100 percent sure.”</p>
<p>“Okay… I was thinking, do you have anything else planned for today?”</p>
<p>“Uhh no, I don't think so, why?”</p>
<p>“Well, since you’re just about done with your lunch, I was thinking maybe we could watch a movie if you’d like to?’</p>
<p>“Yeah, sure, got a specific one in mind?” Dean asked him, not really thinking about it.</p>
<p>“Maybe that one cowboy one you like so much… Tombstone…? I think it was called?”</p>
<p>Dean froze once again, but luckily there was no food in his mouth as he’d just swallowed the last bite of his sandwich.</p>
<p>“T- tombstone?” Dean stuttered out, his voice going two octaves higher than normal. He cleared his throat, hoping that Cas hadn’t noticed the change in his voice. “Yeah, we could- we could watch that.”</p>
<p>“Good, I’ll go make some popcorn.”</p>
<p>Before Dean could say another word, Cas had gotten up from the table and headed towards the cupboard to get the popcorn, leaving Dean there dumbfounded and confused about what the fuck had just happened.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. It Was Because of You, Dean</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ha okay so I KNOW it's been a while since I posted so I'm sorry!! Life has been kinda crazy with exams and essays due and then I got sick but I'm fine now and I'm done school so yayy! So here's another chapter and I'm sorry for making everyone wait but I hope you enjoy this.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The last few days had been a whirlwind of emotions. It still didn’t seem fully real to Dean, at some points he was sure he’d wake up and realize this was all a dream. He knew it probably wasn’t good to be thinking like that but he couldn’t help it. Good things never lasted, there always seemed to be a catch. Some fucked up condition to his happiness. That’s how it had always been.</p><p>It was all just too good to be true and yet, it was true. It was really happening. Cas was really back and alive. Dean could see him, hear his voice, his laugh. He could touch him, feel the warmth of his skin beneath his hand. He could smell him, that distinct scent that just screamed Cas. It was a mix of pine trees and freshly washed laundry and a hint of something else that Dean could never quite place. All he knew was that it was Cas.</p><p>All those dreams he’d had of the angel while he was gone, all the memories he thought of, none of them could compare to having him here, to have him standing in front of Dean. </p><p>But even now, with Cas here, he wasn’t sure what to do. After all these months of wishing for just that, he was stuck. </p><p>At that moment, that first moment he saw him when he opened the bunker door, all he needed was to hold him and never let go. He was fine with that, he was happy if that’s all he ever got but then when they both pulled away, something inside him pulled him back towards the angel. All the desire and yearning for this angel, it consumed him. He just wanted more. He needed more, but then Sam had to fucking show up and ruin it.</p><p>Since then he hadn’t had the courage to say anything about it, to bring up what might have happened with Cas. How does someone just bring that up with their best friend who just came back from the dead yet again? You don’t, apparently. At least if someone were to ask Dean. Maybe it was better that Sam had interrupted before he had done something stupid like kiss Cas.</p><p>He hadn’t been thinking then, or probably, much more accurate, he had been thinking too much. His mind had been racing, trying to catch up with what his eyes were seeing, what his ears were hearing, all the thoughts were spinning around inside his head, each one fighting for Dean’s attention. He couldn’t think clearly, not with all the noise, but now that some time had passed and he was able to process what had happened, he was thinking more clearly.</p><p>He knows now that any actions he may have taken, any words he might’ve said, they all would’ve been for Dean’s benefit. It wouldn’t have been for Cas, or done with any consideration of the angel and how he might be feeling. He had just come back from the dead for God's sake. Springing some huge love confession on him then, just so Dean could get it out wouldn't have been fair to him. It would’ve been selfish.</p><p>Cas had enough to deal with and Dean shouldn’t complicate things or pressure him after all that he’d gone through. There were also other important matters to attend to, such as <em>how</em> Cas had managed to find his way back, the explanation of which only raised several alarming questions.</p><p>The focus shouldn’t be on Dean and his stupid feelings, although he really was alright now that Cas was back, the focus should be on Castiel. This was the longest he’d ever been dead before coming back, that must take a toll on anyone, whether they’re an angel or not.</p><p>Dean knew that eventually, he should probably talk to Cas about everything that happened, what Cas had said before the Empty took him, at the very least, but he still wasn’t sure how or even when. </p><p>And even if he did ask, there was no guarantee that the answer he got would be anything like he had hoped for, it could be the exact opposite. Sure, maybe that’d hurt Dean, but he could live with the rejection as long as Cas was still there, as long as he didn’t leave. The feeling he’d get from rejection would be nothing compared to what he’d feel if Cas decided to leave them once again just because of it. He didn’t want to scare him away.</p><p>How did he even know what all that shit was about before Cas died? Even if he did return Dean’s feelings at one point, what if all those months away had changed how he felt about Dean? How did he know that he didn’t misinterpret anything? And even if he didn’t, what if it was all just in the heat of the moment, what if it was all just because Cas thought he would never see Dean again and maybe that made it seem like more than it was or maybe Cas even misinterpreted his own feelings. He couldn’t be sure, and hell if he was gonna ask Cas to explain it to him. That was not happening. Dean couldn’t do that, not yet.</p><p>The likelihood of Cas even returning Dean’s feelings was slim, especially since he was an angel. Angels weren’t built for emotions, for love. At least not in the same way that humans were. Could Cas even want a relationship?</p><p>There were so many questions racing through his head and no answers, not any concrete answers at least. He was driving himself crazy with all of this.</p><p>***</p><p>Castiel was in one of the bunker storage rooms, sorting through some of the files. He was doing some reading earlier about some spell the Men of Letters had created to sedate lower-level monsters for a few hours, one that after a few experiments, was found to have some effects on more powerful things such as demons too. This of course caught his attention and he wanted to find out a bit more about it. </p><p>He had gotten halfway through one cabinet drawer when he noticed footsteps in the hallway outside the storage room.</p><p>“Hey, Cas…?” Sam spoke, grabbing the angel’s attention.</p><p>“Hello, Sam,” Cas paused his search through one of the cabinets to look up at the doorway where Sam was still standing. “Is something the matter?” Cas asked, noticing the way Sam was shifting uncomfortably. </p><p>“What? No! No, I just- I wanted to see how things are going… since you’ve been back. It must be a lot to handle, I mean I know you’ve come back from the dead before, but this is… different I guess…”</p><p>“How do you mean?” Cas asked, squinting his eyes at Sam.</p><p>“I dunno, just like, the circumstances leading up to it and I guess you were gone longer than you’ve ever been before. I’m just saying, if you’re having any trouble dealing with anything, it’s understandable.”</p><p>“Oh, I see… You’re concerned… about me?”</p><p>“Yeah, I guess maybe a little,” Sam paused, looking properly at the puzzled-looking angel a few meters away. “I mean I think we probably all are. After everything that happened, a lot of which I still don’t really understand, but that’s fine for now, I think we all just want to make sure that if something was wrong, that you’d talk to us. At least one of us. If you want to.”</p><p>“Well I appreciate the support, Sam, but I can assure you that everything is fine. I’m just grateful to be back.” </p><p>Cas really did mean that. He was more than happy to just be here. Sure, it hadn’t been an easy trip getting here, but he’s come to learn that in life you have to fight for those you love, and that’s how he viewed this.</p><p>“Okay, that’s uh, that good then.”</p><p>Cas turned back around then, thinking that was the end conversation before he felt Sam’s eyes still on him. He turned back around looking at the younger Winchester. He must’ve had something more to say.</p><p>“Was there something else you wanted to discuss…?” he questioned.</p><p>Sam scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “Yeah, I kinda wanted to talk to you about Dean…”</p><p>“Oh? What about him?”</p><p>“Look, Cas, I don’t know how much Dean has told you, but knowing him it probably wasn’t much… but it wasn’t- things weren’t easy for him- or any of us- when you were gone…”</p><p>“Yes, Sam I know-“</p><p>“But do you?” Sam shot out, maybe a bit too harshly. “I mean we’ve both seen him grieving but this… this was a whole other thing.”</p><p>“Okay, you’re right, maybe Dean hasn’t been very forthcoming about how things were, but I’m not stupid. I notice things. </p><p>“Even if I weren’t an angel I’d be able to see Dean is not physically healthy. We both know he’s never been the epitome of health, but now- Sam I know how bad it is or was…”</p><p>“You… you really noticed all that…?” Sam asked quietly.</p><p>“Of course I did. How could I not?” Cas’s voice was quiet, sad even. He had noticed it all his first morning back, he’d probably been too distracted and too happy to be back at first to notice it all.</p><p>“I’ve also seen the call log on my phone. I know that he'd been calling-“</p><p>“Wait,” Sam interrupted, raising his hands in the air to stop Cas. “He’s been what?”</p><p>Cas looked at Sam for a moment. “You didn’t know…?” He asked slowly, now feeling unsure about the information.</p><p>“Just hold on a second. He’s been <em>calling</em> you while you were gone? Why? Did he leave any messages?”</p><p>“I’m not completely certain as to why since I hadn’t asked him and yes, there was a message, but no, I do not know what it said.”</p><p>Cas hadn’t noticed the call log immediately. It took him about two days to really pay attention to it and when he did, when he finally noticed he had a voicemail on his phone, he got nervous. He didn’t know for certain who left him a voicemail, but he also saw that no one had been calling him beside Dean so really the only logical answer was that it was from Dean. He had no idea what it said or how long it was. It really could’ve just been accidental and been only silence. He really had no idea, yet when he first noticed it, he was stuck staring at the phone for what felt like hours, just thinking. Maybe he shouldn’t listen to it, but then again, maybe he should. What if it was important?</p><p>It took a few minutes for him to decide and click on the button that would bring him to his unheard messages. The message had just been about to play when in walked Dean, causing him to turn his phone off immediately. Since then, he just hadn’t been able to bring himself to listen to it.</p><p>“You didn’t listen to it?”</p><p>“No,” Cas stated simply.</p><p>“And you’re not curious about what it might say?”</p><p>Cas sighed. “Of course I’m curious, I just haven’t… I haven’t gotten the chance to do it yet.”</p><p>“You haven’t gotten the chance or are you too nervous about what it might say…?” Sam asks slowly. His voice was steady, but not accusing of Cas. He was being genuine when he said that.</p><p>Cas paused, not saying anything, just looking at Sam, knowing that as he did so, Sam would see the truth behind his question. Sam only looked back at him for a few moments before speaking again. </p><p>“Look, we both know Dean and how he tries to pretend that everything is fine, even now, or I guess <em>especially</em> now, he’s pretending that nothings wrong and has been magically fixed but it’s not. He- okay I know what happened before you were taken, he actually managed to talk to me one day, so I get it, okay? But he’s still pretending and it’s not okay, <em>he’s</em> not okay, I mean if we need a sign on that just look at him or even just the way he is now, how if you’re not within his sightline he’ll get all fidgety and weird until he can see you. Cas, that’s not normal behaviour.”</p><p>“He doesn’t-” Cas started to oppose before Sam cut him off.</p><p>“Come on, I’m not stupid, and neither are you. We both know that something’s going on.”</p><p>Sam placed his hands on his hips, staring Cas down to let him know that he was being serious.</p><p>“Okay, I guess Dean’s been acting a bit different than he normally does, but it’s fine, Sam. If he wants to talk then he can. He knows we’re both here for him, so if he’s not ready I’m not going to push him. I don’t see how that’s ever done any good.”</p><p>Sam sighed, looking down. He knew Cas was right. If Dean didn’t want to talk about something, then he wouldn’t. They couldn’t force him to. They really just had to be there for Dean, to show him that they were there.</p><p>“Maybe you’re right… just- if something happens, if you notice something… just promise that you’ll let me know, alright?”</p><p>“Yes, don’t worry, I will. I expect that you’ll do the same.”</p><p>“Of course. I guess I should let you get back to… what was it that you were doing in here anyway?” Sam asked quizzically. </p><p>Cas glanced back down to the filing cabinet nearby, gesturing towards it. “I had just been doing some reading on some spell the Men of Letter had been experimenting with. It sounded interesting…”</p><p>“Huh, I see, want any help?”</p><p>“No, I think I’m alright, but thanks.”</p><p>“No problem,” Sam turned around to start walking out of the room, before turning his head back to Cas one last time. “Just let me know if you change your mind.”</p><p>***</p><p>Little did they know, Dean had just happened to be walking down the hallway when he had heard voices. He really hadn’t intended to listen in on the conversation, not until he heard his name among the rest of the distorted words. </p><p>When he heard it for a second time, that’s when he started to move closer to the source of the voices, curious about why they were saying his name. He could tell already that it was Sam and Cas, even without actually being able to hear much about what they were actually saying.</p><p>As he got closer, the words got clearer and clearer. He kept walking until he heard Cas say something that made him freeze.</p><p>Well fuck. He had <em>almost</em> forgotten about the phone calls, and even then he hadn’t actually, for some stupid reason, considered that Cas had actually noticed. I mean why hadn’t he considered that? Maybe he was just so distracted by the fact that the angel was back and also, why hadn’t Cas brought it up before? Why hadn’t he asked about it? He could tell from this conversation he was having with Sam that he was curious about them.</p><p>But also, a message? Did he really just hear Cas right? He had no recollection of leaving a message at any point, so he must’ve been extremely drunk at the time. God only knows what he said on it.</p><p>He stayed there, his heart racing in his chest as he continued to listen, hoping to hear more about it, feeling more thankful than he’d ever been when he heard Cas say that he hadn’t listened to it yet. That calmed him a bit, but not much, as Cas could still listen to it at any time.</p><p>After that, he decided it’d probably be best if he left before either Sam or Cas caught him eavesdropping. That probably would not go over very well. Maybe a distraction would be a good idea, he was sure Miracle would be around somewhere and would be more than happy to go for a walk with him. He always seemed to cheer Dean up when he needed it and he would also give him a much-needed distraction right about now.</p><p>***</p><p>After the conversation Dean had overheard, he had become a little jumpy. It had only been about a week since then and things may not have been getting much better in that area, but in others, things were actually doing quite well.</p><p>A bit of a routine had begun to emerge rather quickly in the bunker for Dean and Castiel. At night, they’d spend some time together, just the two of them. Sometimes they’d sit in the den together and watch a movie, sometimes they’d just sit and talk, maybe have a few glasses of whiskey or beer, or sometimes they’d take Miracle and go for a walk, sometimes they’d even go without Miracle since it was usually quite late and he was already asleep.</p><p>After whatever they actually decided on, Dean would start getting tired. He’d try to hide his yawns from Cas, but Cas always noticed, telling Dean he should get some sleep. Dean, of course, would usually insist that he wasn’t tired, or not super tired just yet and he’d convince Cas to just let him stay up for a bit longer. </p><p>Afterwards, Cas would walk with Dean to his room. They both go in and close the door, sometimes Miracle would already be in there, laying on Dean’s bed, but other times he’d be off sleeping elsewhere in the bunker. </p><p>Cas would take his seat on the chair that was now right up against Dean’s bed and he’d sit there silently while Dean brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. </p><p>It was their nightly routine, that they hadn’t meant to continue. Dean had asked for Cas to stay for just that one night, but then that one night kept happening until it had been over a week. Over a week of the same thing. Neither even had to bring up the topic of Cas staying anymore because they both knew that he would and that he wouldn’t leave until Dean asked him to.</p><p>Daytimes weren't much different if he was being honest. Sure, all four of them would hang out, and each would find some times for themselves to do whatever it is they wanted to do, but Dean still found himself searching for Cas more often than not if he didn’t know where the angel was. Maybe it was a little clingy, but he couldn’t care less. </p><p>*** </p><p>Dean was bored, and honestly, he still had quite a few questions about the circumstances surrounding Cas’s return from the Empty. He had held off on asking too many for now, even that first night, he and Sam tried to hold off a little so they didn’t overwhelm Cas. Plus, they were still processing themselves and after that night, the more Dean thought about it, the more questions he came up with.</p><p>Some, he was sure, didn’t matter too much, but there were others too, things he was curious about, things that seemed to have huge gaps. Things like how <em>exactly</em> did Cas even manage to wake up in the Empty this time? He hadn’t thought to ask before, but now that he was thinking it over, he remembered that when angels or demons died, they went into an eternal sleep, one that he has heard is very unpleasant. </p><p>Also, what about all those other angels that came back? Cas said that he had known some of them, but what about the others? How could they be sure one of them wasn’t just at the very least, pissed about being dead and just wanting some payback. Cas really did have a hand in a lot of angel deaths over the years, what if-</p><p>No. He needed to stop that train of thought. That really wouldn’t do him any good. He needs to stop and clear his head and apparently sitting here with his own thoughts was not going to do much so, not feeling like sitting around the bunker any longer, Dean got up, heading towards the stairs to the bunker door. It was quite abrupt, causing him to startle Cas out of his book, who was sitting in one of the more comfy chairs a ways away from Dean.</p><p>Dean paused before he made his way fully out of the library, glancing back at Cas who was looking at him questioningly. </p><p>“You coming?” he asked the angel, still sitting in the chair.</p><p>“Where?” he questioned right back,</p><p>“A walk,” his words were brief, and not really at all helpful. He wasn’t sure if Cas was following him or not, but he was quite sure he heard a brief shuffling sound. Not wanting to turn back, however, he continued up the stairs, not stopping until he was a little ways away from the bunker door and into the trees behind it. </p><p>He knew by now that Cas must’ve been following him because of the creaking of the door he heard only a few moments after he made it outside. Pausing, Dean waited beside a tall oak tree for Cas to make his way closer. As he stood there, he remembered that it was still only March, so it was a little cold and he hadn’t bothered to wear a jacket. He didn’t care though, at least the sun was still out and even if it wasn’t, he was not going to turn around to go get one.</p><p>Dean wanted to get away from the bunker, away from his endless thoughts, and he needed answers, to which questions specifically, well, he had a few in mind, starting with the one that made the most logical sense. The one that was about the beginning of this all. How the fuck did Cas manage to wake up?</p><p>A few seconds later, Dean heard the crunching of twigs snapping beneath the weight of Cas’s feet, and then, there was Cas, standing a little too close, but nothing that was abnormal for them.</p><p>“Are you alright?” Castiel asked, his voice laced with genuine concern.</p><p>“Yeah, I dunno… maybe?” It came out as more of a question than he meant it to.</p><p>“Is something bothering you?”</p><p>“Kinda… I just- there’s just still so many things I don’t understand,” Dean let out a frustrated groan.</p><p>“Things regarding what?”</p><p>“You,” he said bluntly, before realizing he should probably elaborate. “I mean- I just don’t understand how you’re here. I mean I’m thrilled about it and I’m not trying to accuse you of hiding things from us, but some of it just doesn’t make sense. Like first of all, how did you even wake up? The first time it took Jack to do it and you didn’t mention anything about Jack helping out so-”</p><p>Cas cut him off. </p><p>“You’re right. I have been keeping some things from you, or at least… I wasn’t sure- I didn’t really want to talk about it in front of Sam, and since you hadn’t asked… I just didn’t bring it up.”</p><p>“Wait, what?”</p><p>“I mean, you’re right. I did omit the reason why I woke up on purpose.”</p><p>“Okay.... Why?” Now Dean was really confused. He hadn’t actually expected for Cas to say he had <em>intentionally</em> left out something important like this, he really just thought that it had slipped his mind, what with all the other things that had occurred. “Why would you leave that out?”</p><p>“Because… I didn’t- it was because of you, Dean.”</p><p>“Me? <em>How?</em> I didn’t even do anything, I mean trust me I tried to find something, anything, but nothing. There was nothing, and that was forever ago anyways…”</p><p>“I, uh, I don’t think it was intentional or that you were consciously aware of it… It just- Okay, maybe I should just start over,” Cas paused for a minute, gathering his thoughts before he spoke once again. “I was asleep, just like before, just like all the others, but then something... a sound pulled me out of it. It woke me up.”</p><p>Dean’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “What sound?”</p><p>“You,” Cas stated simply, as if it were obvious, stopping Dean from the slow pace he had set. “It was your voice. I know, maybe it sounds crazy, but it’s really not. I just- over and over again, that’s what I heard. It was just you calling my name, pleading my name, invading my sleep until I awoke. It was very persistent.”</p><p>Dean almost chuckled at that last part, although he wasn’t sure why.</p><p>“It was… more than just your voice though… I don’t wish to make you uncomfortable and I really do mean it when I say that I had no control over it, but I could… feel you…”</p><p>This was quite possibly the strangest thing that Dean had heard since Cas had been back and he was suddenly starting to understand why Cas had chosen <em>not</em> to talk about this in front of Sam.</p><p>“I don’t know if that makes sense but I could feel you, almost as if I was you, Dean. I could feel the pain you were in, the emptiness… I couldn’t stand it. I just- I was so worried. I needed to come back, to make sure that you were okay.”</p><p>“Cas, that’s crazy, I was fine, I swear,” Dean tried his best to be convincing, to not show it on his face, or in his voice how totally not true that was. “You shouldn’t have worried…”</p><p>He really was doing a horrible job at this, he knew the moment he said it that Cas saw right through it.</p><p>“Don’t try to deny it, it’s not going to work,” Cas rubbed his face, “ Look, I don’t know why in that moment that’s what I felt, but I- when I raised you from hell… I rebuilt you, piece by piece, cell by cell, and somewhere along the way, somehow after that tedious process, a part of me, became a part of you. I think… that part found a way to reach out to me without you knowing, only partly under your control. I think it was just trying to help.”</p><p>Okay, yeah, he was definitely glad that Sam was nowhere fucking near them right now. Then, Cas stepped closer to Dean. He could feel his breath on his face in the chilly spring air. “Our bond, Dean,” Cas continued softly, his hand reaching out to just barely brush at the side of Dean’s cheek, causing a shiver to run through Dean’s spine almost instantly. “It reaches throughout time and space. It’s not-” </p><p>Cas halted, surprised by the shift of Dean leaning closer into his hand, his eyes fluttering softly. “I- I never expected that it would be like this, that it would be so overpowering.”</p><p>Cas dropped his hand then, looking down at the ground shyly, “I never thought it’d be so confusing…” he muttered under his breath.</p><p>“Me too,” Dean admitted weakly, his voice coming out a bit breathless and shaky. “Although I don’t think any part of all that isn’t confusing…”</p><p>Clearing his throat, Dean tries to shake off this nervous feeling that had consumed him.</p><p>“What, so does this freaky connection still work?” Dean chuckled out. “Like can you still feel… whatever it is that I’m feeling? Because gotta say, that might be a little inconvenient if we were on a hunt or something,” </p><p>“No… I don’t think it works like that. I haven’t uhh, I haven’t felt anything since I returned to the bunker. I’m not really sure how it worked but I think our distance from one another may have played a role in it, as well as any extremely strong emotions…”</p><p>“Oh uh, interesting…” Dean trailed off, not really knowing what to say next.</p><p>Then, “You’re cold,” Cas observed.</p><p>“Nah, I’m fine,” Dean said, shoving his hands into his pockets, which didn’t help his case.</p><p>“Dean… your face is rosy, you’ve been shivering already, and now you’re trying to keep your hands warm by putting them in your pockets,” Cas stated, completely misunderstanding half of those things. Dean just let him believe though, it was better than the real reason his face was red and why he shivered when Cas was so close. Maybe he was starting to get a little cold, but that hadn’t been the reason, not by a longshot </p><p>“We just gotta keep moving ‘s all.” Dean turned to keep walking through the trees, but he only got a few steps before Cas’ hand wrapped its way around his wrist, spinning him back around.</p><p>Dean sighed, looking up at the sky before back down at the angel before him.</p><p>“Dean… I may be immune to feeling cold, but I know what temperatures humans begin to feel cold. The time of year, along with the now setting sun is usually something that would affect a human, especially one that is not properly dressed for it I might add.”</p><p>Cas gave Dean’s bare arms a disapproving look then and Dean decided to give in, even if he didn’t want to head back to the bunker just yet.</p><p>“Okay, fine, maybe I didn’t think about that before we left.”</p><p>Reluctantly, Dean let Cas pull him closer and back towards the direction of the bunker. Dean did notice, however, that Cas did not remove his hand from his body, instead, it just slid further up his arm, until it was snaked around his shoulders, Dean realizing that it was Cas’ attempt to keep him warm until they got back. The thought made his heart warm inside. Cas was so overprotective sometimes, but sometimes, Dean had no problem with it.</p><p>***</p><p>Dean had been sitting in the library, alone, flipping through the news for anything that merely resembled a case, but was coming up with very little.</p><p>It really had been great to just live like this, but Dean was also starting to feel a little tired of the bunker’s walls and he decided maybe it was time to find a case. Cas had been back for about a week now, their newfound routine working nicely. </p><p>Surprisingly Dean hadn’t gotten annoyed by having a shadow, or more like two since Cas was back. Wherever he went either Cas or Miracle wasn’t far behind, sometimes both of them. If he was being honest, it was usually Cas, but he was happy to spend some time with the angel, he’d been wanting just that for the past few months and now, here he was. </p><p>Cas’ return also meant that if he <em>did</em> go on a case, then he wouldn’t have to bring Sam along who would no doubt be watching him at all moments of the day with that look of concern painted on his face as he called Eileen, who would probably offer to stay to watch Miracle, with updates on Dean’s condition.</p><p>Dean knew well enough by now how well that would go. Sam would stare at him, asking questions here and there, wanting to know if Dean was “fine,” and Dean would no doubt lie through his teeth but it wouldn’t matter because they’d both <em>know</em> that he wasn’t fine and they’d both know exactly <em>why</em>.</p><p>This scenario, however, never had occurred, at least hadn’t occurred recently, because Dean was either too fucked up and passed out from spending the day drinking or he was fucked up from crying and trying to not let the sound escape his body-which he was not always very successful at. </p><p>At this point, the only reason he was now looking for a case, was because Cas came back and somehow magically fixed everything-at least that’s what Dean was telling himself- and if he said it enough he hoped he’d start to actually believe it. It was stupid, the more rational side of his brain sometimes told him, but he didn’t listen. That’s just what he tended to do, ignore the problem until it went away. </p><p>Even despite this, Dean hadn’t actually <em>asked</em> Cas if he was feeling ready to go on a hunt with him just yet, but he also knew that in these past few days since he’d been back that he’d only very rarely left Dean’s side, and that was really only when Dean showered or went to the bathroom, the former of which Cas had almost gone with him once before he so kindly reminded Cas that he needed some privacy or whatever.</p><p>After all that, he kind of just assumed Cas would go with him if he left since that was becoming the new normal for them both.</p><p>Dean really was still quite tired, after having stayed up later than he probably should have the night before and eventually, he must’ve dozed off. He wasn’t sure when or even for how long, but it had happened.</p><p>Once Dean had awoken, he noticed Cas was now sitting nearby, looking down at his sketchbook. His bottom lip was pulled between his teeth as he concentrated, almost glaring down at the paper. After a few moments of that, his expression softened, looking almost accomplished or pleased with the outcome of whatever he was drawing then. It took Cas a few moments to realize Dean had woken up. </p><p>When he finally glanced up and noticed Dean’s bright green eyes looking back at him, he visibly jumped in his seat, dropping both his pencil and the book onto the ground as he scrambled to hide it from Dean. He sat there in shock for a few seconds before sliding off his chair and down to the ground to pick them both up. </p><p>Dean was faster than him though, as he had also gotten off his chair to help pick up the things Castiel had dropped, feeling a little bad for startling the angel. It also may have helped that the sketchbook had landed much closer to Dean than Castiel, allowing him to easily reach for it, not having to move too far. </p><p>Sitting back up on his chair, Dean turned the book over, finally noticing what he had been drawing, much to Castiel’s horror. </p><p>Raising a brow, Dean sat up fully before leaning a bit closer to Cas to hand him the book. With a smirk on his face, he kept his eyes trained on the angel, examining his reactions. There was a mix of fear, surprise and something else. It was a little amusing, but Dean was not without a heart. He did feel a little bad for invading Cas’s privacy once again.</p><p>A little awkwardly, Dean reached out to hand the book and then pencil back to Cas, offering up a reassuring smile as he did so as to make sure Cas didn’t think he was upset about the drawing. </p><p>Dean was about to speak, to tell him it was fine and not to worry about it or to crack some stupid joke that he’d probably later regret, but was cut off by the buzzing of his phone on the table. With an almost inaudible sigh, he picked it up seeing that it was Jody on the line.</p><p>“Hey Jody, how’s it going?” He asked automatically, as he brought the phone to his ear.</p><p>“Hi Dean, ‘ts good to hear your voice,” Jody spoke, her voice warm.</p><p>Dean felt a smile creep onto his face at her words, knowing she really did mean it and maybe also feeling a little guilty that him isolating himself from the world, also meant isolating himself from her.</p><p>“You too,” he replied in agreement. </p><p>“So, how have you been?” She cut in before he could get in another word.</p><p>He knew that Jody was concerned about him and in all honesty, he had been expecting her to call ever since they gave the news to Claire about Cas’s resurrection, yet again.</p><p>“I’m fine, Jody, everything’s great.” He really did mean it too, unlike so many times before when he lied through his teeth while speaking those exact same words. “How’s everything going there?”</p><p>“That’s good to hear, everything’s fine here, but tell everyone I say hi, okay?”</p><p>“Yeah sure,” Dean brings the phone slightly away from his mouth for a second, getting Cas’s attention. “Jody says hi,” he spoke, looking at Cas, seeing a small smile on his lips.</p><p>Cas leaned forward in his chair now, as he called out in a voice louder than he normally would’ve used, “Hi, Jody.”</p><p>Chuckling a little at that, Dean brought the phone close to his ear again, “You catch that, Jody?”</p><p>“Yeah, I caught it,” she chuckled before her tone got a bit more serious. “So, there was a reason I called, as much as I like checking in, I caught wind of something going on in Colorado. I was hoping you guys could find someone to check it out.”</p><p>“Yeah, don’t worry about it. It’s been a while since I’ve been out, I could check it out myself.” Dean brought the phone away from his mouth once again, looking up at Cas. “What do ya say, Cas? Up for a little trip?” </p><p>Cas didn’t really say much, just gave him a brief nod, saying “sure,” before Dean brought his attention back to the phone.</p><p>“Okay, I’ll text you the details, be safe.”</p><p>“Don’t worry, talk to you later.”</p><p>“Bye, Dean.”</p><p>After hanging up the phone, Dean closed his still opened laptop before standing up abruptly, getting Cas’ attention.</p><p>“Got a case. Go grab uh, whatever it is that you need and we’ll leave in an hour. ‘M gonna let Sam know.”</p><p>Without waiting for a reply from the half-stunned angel, Dean was out of the room to go find Sam before packing a bag.</p><p>Almost an hour later, Dean had talked to Sam, found something for lunch, packed a bag and some snacks and was ready to go. He hadn’t seen Cas since he left him in the library, but he assumed he would know well enough to meet him at the Impala.</p><p>Just as he’d finished throwing his things inside and closed the trunk, he heard footsteps entering the garage. Without looking up, he knew who it was, just by the sound of the footsteps.</p><p>“You ready?” he asked as he glanced up at the angel on his way to the driver’s side door. He didn’t make it to the door, however, as he froze midstep, doing a double-take of Cas as he walked closer and to the other side of the car.</p><p>When he had said to Cas earlier to grab whatever he needed before they left, he had expected him to grab his phone and maybe a few other small things, but apparently no, this was not at all what Cas had done because clasped in his hand was a small bag, one that Dean did not recognize. Cas had been avoiding Dean’s eyes the whole time as he got in the car and threw his bag in the back seat. Dean had to take a moment, not sure what the hell that was because when the hell had Cas ever taken a packed bag with him on a trip when he was an angel. Never. That’s when.</p><p>After a few moments of standing there dumbfounded, Dean seemed to snap himself out of his head, remembering that they had a case to get on with and the drive ahead wasn’t a short one. Taking one last moment to himself to prepare for the drive ahead of them, he opened the door and got in without a word.</p><p>***</p><p>The drive itself was quiet, extremely quiet. The only sound in the car was the low rumble of the engine, the soft hum of ACDC coming through the speakers, and the little clicks the car made when he used his turn signal. No one had spoken though. Not since before they got in the car and it was unsettling to Dean.  He just wanted to talk, to say something to break the silence that had settled over them but he wasn’t sure how, or what to say. He’s not dumb, he knew <em>why</em> things felt so awkward, or at least why it was for him. It didn’t take a genius to figure out when this started. If he had only just left that stupid sketchbook alone and not looked at it, everything would be fine right now. But no, he always seemed to find a way to fuck things up.</p><p>Trying to distract himself from whatever this was that he started, his mind started to wander. It didn’t wander far though, really only to the back seat of the car and what was sitting precariously in the middle of the seat. It was that fucking bag that Cas had brought. Where did he even get it from? It didn’t look new, he could tell that much. It was a dark blue colour, with a few loose threads here and there. He could see it had been worn down a little. Maybe he had borrowed it from Eileen or something, he sure as hell knew that it didn’t belong to Sam or him.</p><p>The bag wasn’t too big, probably about half the size of his own and it wasn’t completely full. He could tell that much, but that was about it. It was zipped shut, leaving Dean to wonder what was even inside it, how much stuff did Cas have in there that he actually needed a bag? It was weird, even for Cas. He hadn’t even thought that Cas owned enough things to put in that bag, so his brain started to think about what he actually owned that he would bring away from the bunker. </p><p>That was when his mind decided to remind him of the existence of the sketchbook that he had held in his hands not even three hours ago. That sketchbook that he was pointedly trying not to think about; guess that plan had failed. </p><p>Now that his head had jumped back to the book, he couldn’t help thinking about the drawings that he had seen inside, not just the most recent one that Dean had actually caught him in the act of drawing, but the other’s from before Cas had- left… as well. Honestly, even now he was still surprised that Cas was even able to draw, let alone draw so damn perfectly, I mean how did he even learn to do that? Was it just an angel thing? Was he just able to do it naturally? Or did he have to practice and work at it for months maybe? He didn’t know, but god how he wanted to find out more, to just ask Cas about it.</p><p>Maybe asking about it would be fine, maybe Cas wouldn’t mind as long as he didn’t specifically bring up what he had been drawing most recently. Maybe if he just phrased it as the drawings as a whole Cas wouldn’t be as uncomfortable about it all, and neither would Dean.</p><p>Sighing, he decided maybe it wouldn’t hurt and if Cas didn’t want to talk about it, he could just say so, right? At least it would break this damn silence between them. Honestly, he would've given anything to break it. It was driving him nuts and they still had a little over seven hours left in the drive. There was no way in hell he could survive that long in here with no talking. Also, if the silence didn’t end here, when would it? Would it just continue once they’d found a motel and for the rest of the night as they did a bit more research about the case? Would it continue till the next morning? God, he didn’t want that, he just needed Cas to talk to him, to <em>look</em> at him and right fucking now. </p><p>Without much thought about what exactly he was going to say, or really any thought at all, his mouth just blurted out probably the worst thing it could’ve in this moment.</p><p>“Why’d you draw me?” Dean heard Castiel’s breath hitch as soon as the words left his mouth and Dean froze. That was not at all what he had wanted to say, yet it was too late now because he knew that the angel had heard him. Frantically trying to make the situation not any worse, he started speaking again. “I mean I know it wasn’t just me but- I just- fuck,” he cursed under his breath. </p><p>He really shouldn’t have continued speaking because for some reason his brain and his mouth were not communicating very well today. He decided the best thing to do was to just shut up, at least until Cas had spoken, if he ever did.</p><p>Castiel remained silent for a few moments, thinking about his response. He didn’t really want to talk about this, but it was Dean and he knew that he would probably ask him again at a later point in time if he didn’t say anything now or he wouldn’t and would just think he fucked something up.</p><p>Cas looked out the window, watching the trees blur by as they drove, thinking about what to say.</p><p>“I first got the idea when I was human… to draw, I mean. There was this person I met who found sketching calming, he told me that it helped him focus, to feel like he had a purpose in life and that, no matter where he’d go, or what he’d be doing, he’d always have this book with him. It was one of the only constants in his life back then. I didn’t think much of it at first, but I liked the smile he got when he talked about it and it was interesting to me how he’d just sit down somewhere for hours it’d seem and draw in this little thing.” </p><p>Cas got a faint smile on his face at the memory of the man he had met while living on the streets. He hadn’t known him for long, about a week at most, but it was interesting to him how something so small could bring a person such joy.</p><p>“That’s when the idea started to form. I thought about it from time to time back then, never really trying it though, there was so much that was new to me already that I couldn’t try another thing. Everything was so exhausting to me still.”</p><p>Cas sighed, and Dean felt a pang of guilt in his chest. He had almost forgotten how difficult things must’ve been for Cas back then. He was all alone, with no one that he knew, no one that he could trust and as soon as they finally found him and made him feel safe again, Dean threw him out.</p><p>“I don’t really remember how it started, I just know that it started when I couldn’t sleep one night. I was never good at falling asleep as a human. It became a nice distraction from trying to force myself to sleep and it was comforting to draw things that I had been familiar with before I fell. I drew the things that I missed… Heaven, my- my wings, even you and Sam… It was kind of like a way to ensure I wouldn’t forget, that I couldn’t forget if I had them there on the paper.”</p><p>Cas paused for a few breaths, but Dean stayed silent through this, even as he glanced over to see Cas was still gazing out the window. He wasn’t used to Cas talking this much about something so personal, none of them ever really did this, but it was nice. He didn’t want to miss a word and he really didn’t want Cas to stop.</p><p>Eventually, Cas continued. “Even after I got my grace back I continued, it was basically a habit by then. I never did it when anyone was around though, and I always made sure to keep the book hidden. I don’t know why… but it was just…”</p><p>“Personal…?” Dean added in after Cas had spent a moment too long trying to think of the right word.</p><p>“Yeah,” Cas agreed, glancing over at Dean for a moment. “It was personal, it was mine. Sharing it would’ve been like sharing a piece of myself with the world, one that I wasn’t ready to share. Even when I was with you or Sam, I’d wait till I was alone or until you were asleep to pull it out.”</p><p>“I really never expected to be very good at it or like it very much, but… I don’t know… I guess over time I just… I enjoyed drawing things that made me happy, moments that I didn’t want to forget. Some of the things I loved most in this life, no matter if they left or changed, I’d still have them here…”</p><p>Dean really hadn’t thought of it like that, but how could he have? And he’d be lying if he said that he wasn’t starting to tear up a bit. I mean, what was he supposed to do after just sitting here, listening to Cas pour out his soul. Those drawings, they were a piece of Cas, not one that anyone was ever meant to see, yet Dean had just invaded that privacy without even asking. I mean he couldn’t really have asked back then, but that wasn’t the point.</p><p>Cas had been silent for a while now. Dean assumed that that was all that he was going to say so he let the silence fall over them, thinking over what Cas had said. It took a few minutes for him to realize something that Cas had said… he drew some of the things he loved most in his life… </p><p>He drew Dean.</p><p>That didn’t mean… did it…? No. Cas was family, they all were. I mean he didn’t only draw him, he drew Sam and Jack and Claire too. They were Cas’s family, of course, that’s what he meant by that.</p><p>But then a little voice in his head decided to make itself known. <em>Yeah, he drew then too, but did he draw anything in there as much as you?</em></p><p>Dean shook his head, trying to make the voice shut up, but he couldn’t ignore it. Taking a breath, he decided to break the silence.</p><p>“Cas… I uh, I’m sorry for just looking through them… the books I mean. I just- I wasn’t thinking and-”</p><p>Cas cut him off with a hand to his thigh, grabbing his attention instantly. Dean looked over at him, seeing those bright blue eyes focused only on him, but he couldn’t look for long.</p><p>“It’s alright. Dean, I know you wouldn’t- I know that you hadn’t meant anything by it. It’s alright. I was just… a bit shy about it, that’s all. I think maybe part of me is a bit relieved that I don’t have to hide it from someone anymore…” </p><p>“Okay… that’s good then…” Dean wasn’t sure what else to say, but that little question remained in his head.</p><p>“Can I uh, ask something…?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>“Why did…” Dean trailed off, building up the courage to ask the question he wanted the answer to the most. “Why were so many of them of me…?”</p><p>“I told you already… I draw the things I love most…”</p><p>Dean felt a warm heat spread across his face, but then Cas pulled his hand away from his thigh, making his body feel cold, despite the flush that was still painted on his cheeks. Dean missed the warmth of Cas’s hand instantly, but he didn’t know what to say or do after a response like that. I mean, it hadn’t really answered his question, but in a way, it also did.</p><p>Honestly, Cas was going to be the death of him one day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I feel like every time I end a chapter someone's going to strangle me (and that's probably because <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_spn_trash/pseuds/just_spn_trash">Jas</a> wants to do that every time she reads what I write so I'm gonna hope it's just Jas who's like that)</p><p>Anyway, I'll see you all in two weeks with another update which I'm terrified for because of an idea I'm being forced to include but it's fine... maybe...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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